Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Gathering of the Two Leggers

I have on occasion observed a phenomenon where suddenly a large group of two leggers show up at my house and stay for several hours. This does not amuse me.
I do not know how they know that at a particular hour, on a particular evening, my two leggers will suddenly discover a surplus of food and beverages, but through some strange two legger instinct they just seem to show up. It is perplexing.
Granted these gatherings aren't completely without their precursors. Usually on the morning of the gathering, the two leggers will rise early and begin a manic scrubbing of every surface in my home. They round up all the dust bunnies. They break out that bane of feline existence, the hoover sucky thingy and proceed to gather all the hair that has taken weeks for me to place in an esthetically pleasing arrangement. They scoop the royal litter. They even scrub their own water filled litter box, even though they may have cleaned it only two months previously.
By mid-afternoon, the male two legger begins to make multiple trips to the backyard where he makes a fire and starts turning perfectly good meat into hard, blackened bricks that he takes great pride in showing to the other males when they arrive. Perhaps the ability to make soft pink things into hard black things is a great feat in two legger society. I don't understand.
Generally within an hour of the ceremonial flames being lit, the other two leggers descend upon my residence like a plague of locusts that travel in swarms of two. They show absolutely no respect to the four legged rulers of the household. When they notice me at all, they usually say such insulting things as: "ooh, look at the cute little kitty" or "oh! how sweet, he's smiling at me!"
Ok, that "smile" is actually my method of displaying that my teeth are longer and sharper than theirs, and I guarantee much more experienced at dealing with annoyances. The definition of an "annoyance" is anyone referring to me as "a cute little kitty".
If the gathering occurs during cold or wet weather, I can usually exact some form of vengeance due to the fact that the two leggers often remove their shoes at the door, and place their coats on the bed in the spare room. This allows Ivan and I to strategically distribute a ration of hairball thingies in the shoes, while Tiger Lily wallows on their coats covering them liberally with gray mats of fur. Though she is a whiny, sneezing, fun to smack type of fellow feline, she can shed like nobody's business.
The only positive about these gatherings, is that invariably, my two leggers will afterwards decide that they are too tired to clean and go to bed. Thus begins the midnight buffet which will continue until Ivan passes out on the kitchen floor and Tiger Lily tattles to the two leggers.

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