Monday, May 28, 2012

The Mancub (Part 1)

I knew something was afoot.

Once again, the two leggers were casting furtive glances my way, speaking in hushed tones and behaving so conspicuously inconspicuous that a blind person wearing headphone thingies blasting Britney Spears' latest attempt at audio warfare would be alerted to their intentions.

Was there a vet thingy visit being plotted?

Were they planning to attempt to bathe me again?

Had they finally tired of Tiger Lily's whining and were trying to decide how to dispose of her in a manner that would appear to be an accident?

None of the above.

They were plotting an escape attempt.

I uncovered their plan when they carelessly left tickets for a cruise on my dining room table. It would seem that they had booked passage on a ship thingy headed for somewhere called "Alaska". According to the brochure, this Alaska is a faraway frozen land that is chock full of bears, eagles, whales, mountains, icebergs, mooses, mountain goat thingies and jewelry stores.

Given all the dangers of traveling by ship in iceberg infested waters where the weather can turn bad in a heartbeat casting their fragile vessel upon an unforgiving shore, in a frigid ocean that has claimed more lives than any other body of water on Earth, I found myself becoming truly concerned:

Who was going to feed me while they were gone?

My fears were alleviated when they introduced me to my substitute servant. He is a 19 year old two legger who works with my two leggers. They told me his name was Matthew, but I decided that his name should be "Mancub".

The first morning after my two leggers embarked upon their ill-advised journey, the mancub appeared clad in football pads, hockey gloves and a motorcycle helmet. It was apparent my two leggers had warned him about me thereby ruining my amusement for the day.

I immediately gave the signal to implement "Operation False Security". This is a tried and true method of convincing suspicious prey thingies that we are nothing more than sweet, loveable, innocent, harmless little kitty cats that only wish to love and be loved by all creatures everywhere. Ivan lay on his back across the living room carpet, softly snoring. Tiger lily sat upon the couch with an innocent look on her freakishly large face. Jaq performed a squeaky ballet, dancing around in small circles on her tiptoes as I sat upon my throne softly purring.

The Mancub entered through the front door, rolled twice and attempted to hide behind the corner of the couch. Though amused by his tactical entry, we maintained our charade and stared at him in bewilderment.  He then crawled across the floor to the pantry on his belly. Never taking his eyes off of us, he filled our food bowl, checked our drinking water, threw a smoke grenade, and disappeared into the dawning day.

The following day, the Mancub repeated his earlier performance, but I knew we were making progress when he opted not to use the smoke grenade.

On the third day, though he still wore the hockey gloves, he left the football pads and motorcycle helmet at home. He even scratched Ivan's ample tummy and called us all "good kitties".

I decided that he had become entirely too comfortable in our presence and it was time to rattle his cage.

On the fourth day, I determined that we would sit in the front bay window while the Mancub approached my house. As he fumbled with his key thingies, we vanished. Each of us retreated to a prearranged hidey hole and waited silently. I ordered Ivan to plug his ears so that he wouldn't hear the sound of food hitting the bottom of the food bowl and be tempted to reveal his hidey hole. Upon entering my house and finding no cats, the Mancub began a systematic search of my residence. After fruitlessly searching the entire house no fewer than three times, the first signs of panic set in. His eye began to twitch, he repeatedly called our names in an increasingly loud and plaintive voice. Just as he began thumbing through the emergency phone numbers, Ivan could resist no longer and appeared next to his food bowl. Since the game was up, I signaled Jaq and Tiger Lily to appear behind him. His panic was replaced by confusion as he wondered how he could have overlooked four full grown felines standing placidly in the middle of an empty hallway.

He left the house scratching his head thingy and mumbling to himself.

To Be Continued...

Friday, May 4, 2012

My 200th Post Thingy

I have decided that it has been far too long since I have tormented my minions with my poetry. Though it has been banned by 37 countries, 23 states, 478 counties, the Geneva Convention, 3 major religions and a public library in Central Kentucky,  I remain undaunted and fully intend to poetificate once again. So to commemorate my 200th post thingy I present you the following:

Ode To My Blog Thingy

It has been two years 
Since I started to speak.
Through my blog thingy
Week after week.

My thoughts I have offered,
To each one of you,
Now after so many,
It's time to review.

So many subjects,
So little time,
From the  totally outrageous,
To the totally sublime.

I have spoken of amusements,
Of mysteries solved.
Of chaos and  mayhem
And theories evolved.

I have gained many minions,
From here to Timbuktu.
I met many friends,
As my fame grew
I've described many aspects,
Of my sweet life.
I've described the male two legger,
And his sweet wife.

I spoke of Bob,
The most admired of birds.
I described my hatred of squirrels,
In so many words. 

Oh, the deer thingies,
Such beautiful grace!
Of Tiger Lily's whining,
And her large mutant face.

Of eight leggers, six leggers,
Of Ivan and Jaq,
Of teacup poodle dogs
deserving a smack.

I've stalked my dust bunnies,
My tail all a-twitter,
I've told of the secrets,
Concealed in my litter.

The events of my life,
Those great and those small.
The sound of a knock knack,
Taking a fall.

You've heard my many theories,
About sports, about goats.
About hairballs in boots,
And cat hair on coats.

You've borne witness 
To the chaos I cause.
You've seen the lethality,
And the power of my paws.

I never imagined,
We could have such a run.
We've met such great people,
We've had so much fun.

Ivan, Tiger, Jaq and I,
We owe you such gratitude,
For coming by each week,
And reading of our catitude.

As many of you know, I originally started my blog thingy with the expectation that I would post 15-20 times and then watch it die a slow quiet death. In my wildest dreams I never expected to be writing a poem for my 200th post, not to mention having a FB fanclub and successful book thingy.
I am currently in the process of editing the second book thingy which I hope to be released later this Summer.

I would like to say in closing that I am deeply humbled (okay, humility is really not my thing, but you get my point) and appreciative for all the support and comments that I have received during this journey. 

During the month of May, I will be taking some time off to rest my paws and recharge my mental battery thingies. I will still be active on Facebook though at a somewhat reduced pace. I may post some in this format, but not as often. That being said, please rest assured that my adventures will continue. Stay tuned for more chaos.

Once again, Ivan, Tiger Lily, Jaq, Bob and the entire Dunn clan send our regards and thanks to all who have invited us into your homes and computer thingies.