Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The Impractical Joker

I have observed that there are many different forms of humor.

Different types of humor appeal to different people.

One type is "slapstick". This refers to the classic physical humor of folks falling down, hitting each other with pies or bricks, or any misadventure involving fireworks.

Puns are another form of humor. Puns involve plays on words and are also my two legger's favorite.

British humor is a combination of the two listed above. The British are funny by nature and are the only culture able to combine the two.

Germans and Russians have no discernible sense of humor and have often shot those who suggest they might.

Canadians have a great style of humor called "Funnyeh", but only Canadians get it. In fact every Canadian joke ever written ends with the word "Funnyeh?"

There are many other forms of humor. Too many variations to list. However, there is one that is unquestionably the lowest, most despicable and most despised:

The practical joke.

The practical joke is used to scare, startle or humiliate its victim. Its sole purpose is to cause pain and embarrassment. It often causes physical as well as spiritual pain. Generally, the only person who finds it funny is the one perpetrating it. With the advent of YouTube, FaceBook and other social media with capital letters in the middle of their name, it has taken on a whole new aspect by recording and transmitting the victim's humiliation to a world-wide audience.

The practical jokester is truly an unfeeling, self-serving and narcissistic individual who cares only for their own amusement and entertainment.

Therefore I love practical jokes.

That being said, not all grasp the concept.

I speak of course, of Ivan.

Then again, Ivan has never grasped any concept. I assure you that if a concept coated in Super-Glue and maple syrup, wearing a suit made of velcro, suddenly jumped into Ivan's paw, it would simply slide right through like an eel coated in Vaseline.

However, that does not keep the big lug from trying.

I speak of this because Ivan has decided to become the world's greatest practical joker.

One of two things will come of this:
A. Ivan will succeed in pulling off a truly great practical joke.
B. Ivan will fail miserably offering me an opportunity to mock him mercilessly.

It's a "win/win" if you ask me.   

His first attempt was directed at Tiger Lily. He followed her around the house for several hours awaiting his opportunity. Finally, he saw his chance. As she walked past the open door of the hall closet, he gave her a sudden push and slammed the door. He then scampered down the hall giggling.

Now to the uninitiated this may sound cruel and heinous indeed. But, truth be told, Tiger Lily is a very solitary cat who loves nothing more than to be left in quiet dark space with nothing to distract her from her whiny thoughts.

Jaq was next on his "hit list". Knowing that Jaq often naps on a towel on the bathroom vanity, Ivan snuck very quietly into the bathroom. Spying the edge of the towel overhanging the edge of the countertop, Ivan plotted his pounce. His plan was to land just to the left of her and startle the litter nuggets out of her. Yelling "BOOGA BOOGA!!!" Ivan made a mighty leap!

However, Jaq, who was peacefully sleeping in the bay window (three rooms away) remained unfazed.

Mid-pounce, Ivan realized that his intended victim was absent. As he landed (in front of the mirror), he discovered a large orange tabby was leaping at him while also yelling "BOOGA BOOGA!" Ivan immediately poofed and bolted. He then spent the next three hours under the bed cowering in fear.

Believing in the old adage of "two strikes and you're out", (I know it's supposed to be three strikes, but two is the highest he can count) Ivan gave up his quest.

The two leggers returned a few hours later, let Tiger Lily out of the closet and wiped the skid marks from the bathroom counter.

Later that evening we had our nightly "family time". This is the time of evening when the two leggers curl up on the couch and watch the talking box thingy. I lay upon my throne, Jaq sits on the female's lap, Tiger Lily watches from the half wall behind the couch and Ivan naps upon the coffee table. As the evening wore on, Ivan slowly lapsed into such a relaxed state that his body liquefied and he began to "flow" off of the table. He awoke just as his body gained critical vertical momentum. He panicked and scrambled to arrest his fall. In his frantic scrabbling, he managed to send the large ceramic bowl  that serves as the coffee table centerpiece flying across the room. The resulting crash caused Tiger Lily to fall off the wall, Jaq sunk her claws into the female's lap as she leaped in poofy panic and the male even spilled his beer in the ensuing chaos.

Perhaps I underestimated Ivan's comedic potential.....

Tomorrow I will introduce him to "slapstick".

Tiger Lily will play the "stick".

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Scavenger Hunt

Today I found myself suffering from acute boredom.

The two leggers cleaned my house earlier and left no wine or beer glasses out for me to break. All the knock knacks were placed out of reach. Tiger Lily was hiding somewhere, so even the pleasant diversion of smacking her around was denied me.

I considered pulling a toy from the "Box O' Amusements", but in a fit of friskiness last night, I broke one of my toys and only 372 remain. It would be foolhardy to risk breaking another until the two leggers replace the broken one.

I sat in the bay window, thinking to verbally abuse the squirrel thingy, but alas, the Outer Kingdom was quiet and the squirrel was nowhere to be seen.

Even the male two legger foaming at the mouth and screaming at a football game failed to amuse me.

Suddenly it occurred to me. The two leggers often amuse themselves by searching through the house for lost items. These items are most often things like car keys, screwdrivers, wallets, pens, scraps of paper....etc. In fact, they spend so much time looking for these items, I am forced to assume that they enjoy looking for stuff more than they enjoy having stuff.

There is even a holiday that they devote to training their younglings to search for lost items. Every year, on a Sunday in late Spring, adult two leggers rise while their young still sleep and sneak out into the yard. Quietly and stealthily they proceed  to hide garishly colored egg thingies in bushes, tufts of grass and various other hidey-holes. Like large mutant squirrels hiding nuts for the Winter, they take great care in the placement of each egg thingy. They even intentionally hide a few where they won't be found until late Summer when the stench becomes unbearable. Once all the egg thingies have been hidden, they waken the juveniles, hand them woven baskets and inform them that a mythical bunny has stolen all their eggs and hidden them outside.

Thus a desire to search for lost items is instilled from childhood.

Given my generous nature, I decided that I would assist in their amusement.

Since midnight, I have hidden no fewer than 25 objects throughout my house.

Tomorrow promises to be a most exciting day for the two leggers from the outset. Their alarm clock has been silenced and hidden in the hall closet. The knob to the thermostat has been removed and swatted under the stove. Miscellaneous items of jewelry have been relocated. The male's wallet has found a new home in one of the female's boots and the car keys lie in a shallow grave in the Royal Litter Box.

I eagerly anticipate their excitement tomorrow when they realize that their day shall be spent in a series of amusing and challenging searches.

As another example of my generous nature, when the two leggers come to thank me for their day of entertainment (as they will undoubtedly do), I will not take all the credit.

I'll tell them it was Tiger Lily's idea.