Friday, June 22, 2012

Ancient Hiss-tory

My two leggers recently went to one of those places where they keep a bunch of really old stuff.

No, I am not referring to the hallway closet.

It is something called a "museum".

At this museum thingy, they learned about a group of two leggers that lived a very long time ago in a place called "Egypt". Fortunately, they brought home a book thingy. After taking a nap on the book thingy, I now consider myself an expert on all thingies Egyptonian.

I shall now share my knowledge and thoughts.

The Ancient Egyptonians lived in the years 4000-2000 BF (Before Facebook) They lived in a place that was so hot that they had to build huge stone buildings just to provide some form of shade. Their rulers were called "Pharoahs" and were considered gods by the unwashed masses. (Which was everyone because there was no water to wash with)

But here is the part that I find interesting:

The pharoahs worshiped cats. 

So let's do the math. Pharoahs (considered gods) worshiped cats.

You see where I'm going with this?

About two hundred years ago, British two leggers traveled to Egypt and started digging up every Egyptonian they could find. This is an activity that British two leggers seem to engage in whenever they find themselves running short of mountains to climb. They discovered many tombs while digging in the sand. Within these tombs they found statues dedicated to their feline betters. They found wall murals depicting rituals that honored Bast-et, the Egyptonian cat goddess. (Not to be confused with Bast-ard, the Roman god of dog thingies) They built temples dedicated to cats. They created elaborate masks and danced around probably scaring the bejeezus out of the temple chihuahuas.

Some two leggers theorize that the Egyptonians may have been ancient astronauts that came from an advanced civilization on a planet far away. Apparently they were in need of finding a litterbox for their space cats and found a land filled with sand that would never require scooping. Two leggers that believe this theory can usually be found on street corners wearing tin foil hats and yelling at telephone poles.

My personal theory is that the Egyptonians were simply the first two leggers in history to be subjugated by cats. Under feline leadership, they were able to build the first and longest lasting civilization in the ancient world.

Finally, I'd just like to add this final bit of evidence:

Every Egytptonian tomb ever discovered contained a deceased two legger wrapped in bandages.

They were obviously cat lovers.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Furlock Holmes

I awoke this morning to a mystery.

In the middle of the hallway floor I discovered a hairball containing 3.6 legs. Given their long, hairy intense creepiness, I recognized them as being the type that eight leggers are generally equipped with.

This annoyed me.  No, I was not particularly heart broken that another eight legger had met its doom. I was annoyed because eight leggers are reserved for the Royal diet unless otherwise authorized. I knew that I had not given permission to any of my minions to dine upon arachnids within the last twenty-four hours, therefore this was the obvious result of poaching.

The game was a-paw!

My first course of action was to ascertain the identity of the victim. Upon investigation, I found out that the bathroom spider was AWOL. (Absent With Out Legs) Now it was time to process the evidence. I called in our local CSI (Cat Spew Identifier), Ivan.

 Ivan approached the hairball and said "Hey Boss, a cat yakked in the hallway".

Given the fact that of the six beings that have access to my hallway, four of them are cats, and the others  are two leggers that rarely yak in the hallway, his powers of deduction were truly astounding.

I asked him to analyze the evidence.

He stared at me blankly.

I asked him to look at the ickies and tell me what it was made of.

He said it was made of hair and legs.

Realizing that any further questioning would only confuse Ivan and make him tired, I decided to interrogate the suspects. I was fully aware that Tiger Lily was locked in the computer room all night and therefore incapable of committing the spidercide, however, the thought of torturing her was too good to resist. I told her she had the right to remain silent, but also in all fairness informed her that it wouldn't matter. I Smacked her several times when she denied her involvement. She complained that she had been locked up all night and therefore had an alibi. I smacked her for not being a good witness and sent her scurrying for her pillow thingy.

Next I interviewed Jaq. Jaq informed me that she couldn't be the culprit due to the fact that she was a vegan and other than six leggers, mouse thingies, squirrel thingies, bunnies, lizards, bird thingies, tuna, chicken, ham, moths and moles, she never touched meat. It is hard to argue with her dedication to her vegan lifestyle, so I let her go.

By process of elimination, (ironically the same process that left the hairball in the first place) I came to the conclusion that Ivan must be perp thingy.

I called Ivan to my office. ( I don't really have an office per se, but it sounds better than "I called Ivan to the cardboard box I was playing in".)

In my most commanding voice I asked "Ivan, did you consume the arachnid?"

Ivan stared at me blankly.

"Ivan, did you munch the spider thingy?"

"Yup" was his reply.

As penance, I ordered him to go bite the male two legger on the foot.

Why would I order him to bite the two legger's foot?

Because "Confession is food for the sole".

Sunday, June 10, 2012

The Cujo Commandments

Back in 2010, when my two leggers first convinced me to start this blog thingy, I did so under one condition: Religion and politics were off the table. No, not just off the table, they were off the table, shattered on the floor, swept under the rug thingy and never to be spoken of. It is not that I do not have my views and beliefs, it is the fact that my views and beliefs are deeply personal and this is not the forum in which to share them. This blog thingy is intended to be humorous and it is my experience that humor does poorly in religion just as religion does poorly in humor. That being said, the following post touches on certain religious tenets, but it is in no way to be considered a comment or criticism of anyone's religious beliefs.  However, if you find yourself offended and wish to vent your disappointment in me, please feel free to fire off a nasty e-mail to either of the following people:
Barack Obama
Mitt Romney

And now I present to you:

The Cujo Commandments

My two leggers recently watched a movie about an event in ancient two legger history. It was called "The Ten Commandments" and it revolved around a two legger named Moses who got put in a river, fished out of a river, raised by a royal family, denounced his foster family when he found his real family, sent some frog thingies and bugs to visit his old family,....etc.....suffice it to say that he caused a lot of chaos and mayhem in order to free his people.

All that simply does not interest me.

What got my attention was that he climbed a mountain and received a set of laws that proscribed how two leggers should behave. These laws were handed down by a higher power in order that the two leggers would better be able to live together in peace and harmony.  

This got me to pondering.  

I should lay down some commandment thingies too.

I'll admit, posting them in a blog thingy is not quite as impressive as carving them with lightning into stone tablets on the side of a mountain, but we all have to work with what we have. So here goes:

1. I am Cujo Cat. You will have no other Cujo Cat before me. If you find another Cujo Cat, give him catnip and send him packing.

2. I am a jealous cat and will not tolerate anyone not showing me attention in my presence.

3. Do not be vain, for in my presence you are nought but a distraction from my total awesomeness,

4. Remember the Sabbath for it is the day that the male two legger watches sports on the talking box thingy thereby providing me with opportunities to irritate him at will.

5. Honor your Mom and Dad for they resisted the temptation to take you out of the world that they brought you into.

6. You shall not kill. (Unless it is an eight legger, six legger, squirrel thingy, mousie thingy, bird thingy, small easily over-powered dog thingy, wineglass, vase, drapery, work of art, highly valued momento, knock knack....screw it, kill what you like, just make sure you have plausible deniability.) 

7. You shall not commit adultery. Or adolescentery, or kidditery. Basically, if it ends in "etery", don't do it.

8. Don't steal stuff. (Unless you are a cat, and then it all belongs to you anyway, so this commandment does not apply.)

9. Don't lie. (Once again, unless you are a cat, and then you may lie anywhere you wish. I particularly prefer window sills and anywhere the two leggers do not wish me to be.)

10. Do not covet your neighbors stuff. Coveting is a waste of time and energy. Just go smack them and take it from them while they are still dazed.

If you all follow my commandments, I am sure that we will all live in a happier, more harmonious society.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

The Mancub (Part 2)

Okay, just a quick recap of what has happened so far in the epic saga of  "Us vs. The Mancub":

Superior Intellect and Planning-1

Day 4 continued:

After utterly confusing his young mind, I spent the rest of the day plotting. Thus far, we had lulled the Mancub into a false sense of security. Though our little vanishing act had perplexed the youngling, we had done nothing to justify the Cub's wariness.


I determined that it was not enough to simply confound the lad, it was time to instill some fear. We would begin a campaign to slowly terrorize him over the next few days. We would start small and build to a crescendo of bloodletting that would someday be immortalized in one of those bad movie thingies that the male two legger enjoys watching on the talking box thingy on Saturday nights. You know the type, where the young two legger enters the darkened room from which an eerie noise can be heard. He enters despite the fact that every bit of common sense begs him not to. He enters despite the fact that everyone who watches the bad movie will be standing in front of their talking box thingies yelling "DON'T GO IN THERE YOU FOOL!".

Oh yes, there will be chaos.

The fifth day dawned with the Mancub arriving at his usual time. Jaq kept lookout at the bay window while Ivan and I hid. The Mancub entered the house and immediately went to the cupboard in which our food is kept. I allowed him to fill three bowls without incident.  As he began to pour food into my bowl, I leaped out and smacked the scoop thingy from his hand sending nuggets of food skittering across the hallway. The sound of skittering food nuggets caused Ivan to bolt from his hidey hole, tripping the Mancub and bringing him down with an almighty crash. Tiger Lily ran into the hallway and commenced to whining in a voice that caused the Mancub to stumble to his feet and beat a hasty retreat out the front door and to his car.

Day five- Successful.

For day six, I had planned to pull out all the stops. It has been more than six months since either the Fire or Police Departments (or Homeland Security) had been called to my house and I felt it was high time for another visitation.

Alas, it was not to be.

It seems that the Mancub had an agreement with my two leggers that he was to give us extra food on day five so that he would not be required to feed us on day six.

My plot was foiled.

I was not amused.

Fortunately, during the chaos of the fifth day, the Mancub accidentally dropped an envelope with his home address on it.

Due to my internet prowess,  he is now registered with 167 questionable charities, 53 political parties, 14 churches and officially off of the National Do Not Call Registry. I tried to sign him up for the Victoria's Secret Catalog, but he was apparently already a member.