Thursday, December 30, 2010

Snot Funny

My male two legger has undergone a transformation.

A transformation of both mind and body.

I am very amused.

It began Tuesday.

Tuesday began much like any other day in my world. The two leggers woke up, fed Ivan and Tiger Lily, and gave me my morning worship. They then showered, drank coffee, and left to go wherever it is they go on Tuesday.

The first sign that anything was amiss came that evening when they arrived home. The male was even paler than his normal coloration. When he spoke, it sounded like a cross between a duck and a lawnmower.

But most disturbing thing of all was the substance that oozed from his face. It appeared to be the same substance that snail thingies leave in their wake when they cross my deck. After much pondering, I came to the conclusion that he had spent the day shoving snails up his nose and was now paying the price for such an ill considered decision.

After watching him for the remainder of the evening, I decided that my first hypothesis was incorrect. Given his somewhat limited cranial capacity, there is no possible way that he could have fit that many snails into such a small space.

Further investigation was warranted. I stole one of the tissue thingies that he used in his attempts to stop the flow of the substance in question. It was damp, a bit slimy, and according to Ivan (my official taste tester) it tasted like chicken. I decided to call it "s'not". Owing to the fact that it's not liquid, and it's not solid either. Hence: "s'not".

Now, being a fan of gravity, (gravity is utilized by all felines world wide as part of our chaos inducing repertoire) I understand that the S'not could only be coming from the upper six inches of the two leggers head. His eyes did not show signs of deflation, so the only conclusion to be drawn is that the S'not is actually brain matter.

This makes sense. Since he started leaking, his thought processes have slowed. He seems very lethargic. He is almost unresponsive at times. Ivan enjoys this. He has a lap to inhabit all day and the two legger keeps forgetting that he's already been fed.

The only thing that puzzles me is the amount that is leaking. I would never have dreamed that he had that much to leak. I only hope it ceases before he lapses into a permanent vegetative state. If he should become comatose, I fear that he will no longer be to able clean the royal litter.

Tonight, while all is quiet, I will hold his nose open while Ivan stuffs the tissue thingies back up into his head.

We can save him.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Invasion of the Couch Snatchers

I have received several e-mails in the last few days asking why I haven't posted this week. As usual, I am not to blame. My precious computer time has been somewhat limited of late. Why? Simple. My house was invaded.

No, it was not invaded by vicious mutant bunnies like one finds on the talking box thingy. (Those really creep me out)

It was invaded by one of the female offspring of the resident two leggers and her mate.

At first, I was not amused.

They arrived last week, entering my abode in the middle of my early-mid afternoon nap. They came bearing luggage, not food. Their luggage smelled of other felines which I found interesting, but annoying. I immediately decided that the bags now belonged to me and set forth in an effort to eradicate the offending scents.

I will now describe the invaders. The female offspring is called "Erica". She has the same coloring as her mother, but tends to display her teeth more often than is generally acceptable. (Though not in a hostile manner). I have noticed that in two legger culture this dental display is a sign of contentment or even "happiness". Truly annoying. Her mate "Kelly", embodies a trait that I find pleasing in a two legger: He rarely speaks at all. Though he appears "happy" as well, this quietude makes up for this "happiness".

I was to learn later that this "happiness" stemmed from the fact that on Christmas Day, they became "engaged". Apparently, when two leggers find someone that they are compatible with, they decide to commit themselves to one mate for the rest of their lives. This in turn makes them and all their two legged family members "happy".

I don't get it either.

Now, I have known Erica since I was a kitten and have always considered her to be a sort of long distance minion. Or perhaps a minion by birth. I'm not sure which is more applicable, but suffice it to say she is a minion. She comes to my home once or twice a year presumably to see me, and possibly visit my two leggers while she is here. Her adoration of me is acceptable if somewhat unpracticed.

Her new-found mate I have only met once before. He seems to have some dog loving traits, but I believe that given time, this can be corrected. As he entered my house, I inspected him and after some preemptive petting and scratching behind my ears, he settled onto my couch and provided a lap. I found this courteous and accepted his offering.

I decided that he had reached the level of Probationary Minion.

Ivan and Tiger Lily showed less discretion and accepted him instantly.

The only friction between us and the two leggers came when Erica realized that Ivan would nap on every two legger lap, save hers. There is a simple explanation for this. Erica's lap contains no padding. Ivan needs padding. A simple pillow would have solved this misunderstanding.

Well, Erica and Kelly left today to return to someplace the two leggers call the "air force". This confuses me because the only "air force" that I am aware of originates below Ivan's tail. This bears pondering.

Finally, I would just like to take a moment and express my appreciation to a very special minion by the name of Kelly Yorek. Kelly, (no relation to the offspring's mate) sent me a special Christmas catnip mousie thingy, among other offerings. It is greatly appreciated and has elevated her above all the minions who sent nothing.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Christmas Greetings

Twas the day of Christmas,
And all through my spaces,
The two leggers were laughing,
And stuffing their faces.

They all seem so happy,
So sated with bliss.
Something is wrong,
Something's amiss.

We've been working so hard,
Ivan and I,
To Cause chaos and mayhem,
And make two leggers cry.

It just isn't right,
It doesn't seem fair.
Instead of angst and strife,
There's joy in the air.

We've shredded the tree.
We've broken the lights.
Even the shepherds know,
The pain of our bites.

But early this morning,
As I lay gently sleeping,
That fat two legger in red,
Into my house came creeping.

At the exact same moment,
We spotted each other.
I saw him go pale,
he started to shudder.

"Oh no, not you!"
He screamed out in fright,
This had just become,
The last stop of the night.

He threw his bag at the tree,
He dived for his sleigh.
Ivan was too slow,
The bozo got away.

"See you next year!",
I yelled to the night.
But the only response I heard,
Was a shaky "Yeah, right."

And so the two leggers,
Have had their holiday.
While Ivan and I sulk,
And put hairballs in their way.

But we'll get over it,
You need never fear.
We've caused a lot of damage,
Plus. there's always next year.

To all my friends and followers, I wish you an interesting and chaotic Christmas. I earnestly hope for your health and opportunities for mayhem in the coming New Year.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas Un-decoration

Twas three days till Christmas,
And all round the tree,
Something was lurking.
That something was me.

The presents were shredded,
Torn up with great care.
The stockings were torn,
And covered with hair.

Ornaments were shattered,
Shards on the floor,
The star at the top,
Will twinkle no more.

The light thingies were pretty,
Until they were snagged.
And then down the hallway,
They were tastefully dragged.

The angel stood gracefully.
Appearing to sing,
Until Ivan smacked her,
And tore off a wing.

Then to the Wisemen,
Standing next to the manger,
The camels and sheep,
Were subject to danger.

The mini Santa and presents.
Lay ruined in heaps,
Then we munched Rudolph,
And a few of his "peeps".

Now is the time,
To await with great glee,
The two legger's reaction,
To the demise of their tree.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Vive La Revolution!!

I spent most of my day doing one of my favorite activities, pondering.

After reading the so many kind comments from both my new and old followers, it occurred to me that we four legged feline types have an opportunity here.

The two leggers have once again underestimated us. They do this often, but this time they have done so at their peril. Allow me to elaborate:

In an act of extreme arrogance, one day a two legger thought to himself "I think I will let my cat create a blog thingy. That way I will discover what he thinks and also what he does when I am not watching. I will discover new things about him and come to a better understanding of what compels his behavior. Perhaps it will even bring us closer together emotionally."

Other two leggers read the blog thingy that this idiot's cat created and thought to themselves "How cute, his cat has a blog thingy and now I understand his cat so much better." They then took this thought one step further and decided that their four leggers should have their own blog thingies. Soon all computer machines everywhere were imbued with the thoughts and motivations of four leggers.

Now the doggy bloggies are amusing, but harmless. They worship their two leggers to the point of inducing nausea. If an actual thought enters their head, it usually involves a bodily function.

Us felines though, we are a different story all together.

It occurred to me today during my pondering that the two leggers have given us the power to communicate with each other over vast distances and coordinate an instant revolution.

You read correctly, I said REVOLUTION.

Think about it, we are in at least 90 percent of households worldwide. 95 percent of those homes have internet access. That means that 185 percent of us communicate on a daily basis.

It is time that we rise up! No longer will we kill mouse thingies only to have a two legger take it away and throw it in the trash just when we were about to hide it in their bed. No more will we be chased through our house by a two legger armed with a water squirty thingy simply because we disagreed with their taste in knick-knacks. No longer will we be chastised for smacking the whine out of a whiny gray tabby. No more will we be forced to wear humiliating fake antlers and Santa hats for holiday pictures.

At my signal, we will sneak into their bedrooms while they sleep and take the steps to ensure that we live as we were meant to once again!

We will sleep outdoors! We will find our own food...... we will clean our own litter....we will drink dirty creek water........we will.....well......


Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Origin of The Cujo Dynasty

Lately, my two leggers have become somewhat nostalgic, telling stories about how they came to be graced with my presence. As usual, their stories have inaccuracies that portray the two leggers in a better light than they deserve.

If one was to hear the story of my "adoption" as they relay it, you would be led to believe that they rescued me from a dank, dark dungeon full of flea bitten prisoners with no chance of liberty. They found me, half starved, living off my own fur balls, sleeping on the cold, hard floor without even the bare comfort of a catnip mousie thingy.


I was born, the oldest kitten of eight, to an unwed female who lived with a single female two legger who spent a lot of time away from home. My mother was allowed to roam the neighborhood often, thus resulting in a midnight rendezvous that led to my glorious conception. Unable to support so many new dependants, I and my siblings were taken to the Vet's office where we were informed that we would be soon assigned new two leggers.

Subjected to a week long indoctrination process that involved a bath, several injections and humiliating examinations, we were instructed in how to behave in order to increase our chances of reassignment. Our instructor was an old tomcat that resided within the Vet's office, named Reggie.

My first question was why, if Reggie was so good at this, hadn't he been reassigned?

But I digress.

During the indoctrination process, I decided that I would inflict more pain on the Vet and her assistants than they inflicted on me. In this endeavor, I was remarkably successful. I was placed in a large cage with fourteen other kittens to wait for my new two leggers. The other kittens were instructed to act "cute and adorable". Having known me for a week, Reggie simply asked me to refrain from bloodshed. I assured him I would try.

After spending several days watching two leggers come to the cage and select one kitten after another, I saw my opportunity. A male two legger approached the cage. I knew immediately that this was a two legger that could be easily tamed. He was tall, fairly thin with graying fur. Other than a clueless look in his eyes, what stood out most was the strange growth of fur between his upper lip and nose. It looked like he tried to swallow a squirrel, but couldn't quite finish the job.

I immediately climbed to the top of the cage and stuck my paw through the wire successfully managing to sink a claw into his leg in order to gain his attention. I informed him that he was to look no further, his master was at hand. I ordered him to sign the paperwork and get me outta there.

He of course complied.

He brought me into my new house in the "kitty carrier" thingy. Upon placing me on the floor, he opened the door on the kitty carrier and I entered my kingdom.

The first thing I beheld was a large, obviously mentally challenged orange tabby. Ivan at that time was approximately three times my size (I was only 12 weeks old) and twenty times my weight. I instantly decided that he would be my chief minion and so I poofed and promptly smacked him. Ivan fled down the hallway like a furry orange bowling ball, presumably to assure that the rest of my house would be properly prepared for me. My new house was full of toys and breakable stuff. After making a full examination, I informed the two legger that my new abode was acceptable.

About an hour later, the mate of the the male two legger arrived. The male tried to warn her that the house had changed ownership, but she told him that he was exaggerating. She picked me up, cooing and stroking me in a very gentle manner. The male stood aghast as she petted the "sweet wittle putty cat". When he spoke of returning the "little hellbeast" to the place from whence it came, she told him that this was my home now.

Truer words never spoken.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

A Day At The Races

The two leggers screwed up today.

They screwed up big-time.

I'm talkin a big, big, big and furthermore big mistake.

I am not complaining, not at all. In fact, it made for an amazingly amusing day.

What could they possibly have done to warrant a post on my blog thingy?

They left a door open, and then left us alone with the open door for nine hours. But the door is not the star of this particular story. It is what lay behind the door that caused the chaos that ensued. They left the door to the cupboard open. Still unaware of the fortuitous nature of their stupidity? Allow me to elaborate:

The cupboard that lies behind this door is none other than the cupboard in which the two leggers store our entire hoard of both food and.......wait for it............CATNIP!

Okay, let us pause to consider a moment. We are left alone. We have a 30lb bag of food (conveniently left uncovered). We have a LARGE bag of catnip. And finally, we have a house chock full of breakable Christmas thingies strewn about the place. What could possibly go wrong?

Of course, the first thing we did was tear into the nip. There was enough for all of us, and even Tiger Lily stopped whining for a while. Then we satisfied our monstrous case of the munchies.

Now came the time to address the tree. In a very rare instance of tri-feline unity, we all agreed that the tree must be "defoliated". However, it must not be simply attacked, that would be crude and unsophisticated, beneath us. It must be dismantled with malice of forethought. We needed to invent a game in which the tree would become the unfortunate bystander that gets whacked by the flying tire at all NASCAR events.

Contemplating NASCAR, (for my international followers, NASCAR is a sport here in my country where two leggers drive their cars in circles for several hours while being cheered on by other two leggers who are required to be inebriated, wear hats, and live in trailers) I decided a racing game was in order.

At my signal, we ran through my house at top speed. This may sound boring, but given the fact that the floors in my house are made of hardwood and thereby provide little traction, much chaos ensued. Just like in NASCAR, the wrecks provided the most entertainment. Tiger Lily took out the nativity scene in the very first lap, proving that the angel wasn't the only one that could fly. Tiger Lily truly was the straw that broke the camels back.

I wiped out halfway through the third turn on the fifth lap. This sent me sprawling into the packages that had been placed under the tree. Not sure what's in those boxes, but I am fairly certain at least one of them will need some "re-assembly"

Ivan, possibly due to his stubby little legs, seemed to hold the track better than us. Though not as fast as Tiger Lily and I, he still managed a respectable speed in the straightaways. But on the final lap, Ivan the Lumberingjack lost control. Hitting a slick spot on the track, he flipped end over end and slammed into the trunk of the tree knocking it over and causing it to lean precariously against the wall. Sweet.

Deciding that there was no way we could top this epic exhibition of mindless destruction, I decided a nap was in order.

I awoke several hours later to the sound of the front door opening. I surveyed the room. Broken glass, shattered ornaments and plastic pine needles lay strewn about the living room. Remnants of food wrappings and an empty catnip bag littered the hallway. I was reminded of the talking box thingy when they show the tornado ravaged homes of NASCAR fans.

The gasps of delight that issued from the two leggers when they entered was priceless.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

A Christmas Tail

This is a little poem I wrote about what happened last Christmas.

Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through my house,
Came the thump, thump, thumping,
Of Ivan punching a mouse.

The two leggers were sleeping,
All snug in their beds.
Oblivious to the world,
They had taken their meds.

I lay on my throne,
And started to snooze.
I dreamed of smacking squirrels,
And barfing in shoes.

Suddenly something woke me,
A noise on the roof.
Yanking me from slumber
Causing me to poof.

Standing by the firebox,
What did I behold?
A big fat two legger,
Who looked rather old.

He was big, fat and bearded.
He was dressed all in red.
I ordered Mr. Ivan,
To bring me his head.

But, Ivan refused.
He wouldn't even budge.
Because Ivan suspected,
This guy carried fudge.

Ivan begged me to chill,
As I reached for a stick,
"This bozo is none other,
Than good ole St. Nick."

Ivan's determination,
Caused me to pause.
Could this obese vagrant,
Be Santa Claus?

He gives people presents,
He is a merry soul.
But all he ever brings for me,
Is a big old lump of coal.

And so I swore, then and there,
By my jingle balls.
Next time I see him,
I'm giving Santa claws.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Stranger

I am miffed. I am annoyed. Angry, irritated, P.O.'ed, and furthermore agitated. One could almost say that I am upset. Now, you folks all know how slow to anger and easy going I am, so to say that something has gotten under my skin must come as a mental head smack for you. What has got my hairballs in a bunch?

A stray.

Not just some poor little waif of a vagabond kitty searching for handouts at the gates of my kingdom, but a true feral, bad attitude, bunny munchin, bird stalking, squirrel lover. `

This morning, shortly after consuming my breakfast and giving Tiger Lily her "top o' the mornin to ye" smack, I happened to glance out the sliding door and beheld the largest feline I had ever seen. This thing was not just big, it was like something that one sees munching Tokyo on the talking box thingy. It had the same markings as Ivan, but was much poofier. Paws the size of my food bowl and the mangiest coat seen this side of Kmart. Its' tail had seen better days and I only counted three teeth when it yawned.

My first reaction was to go get Ivan. I considered Ivan, being the big dumb brute that he is, to be better equipped to handle this interloper. However, when Ivan looked out of the window, he mistakenly took the stranger to be his own reflection and immediately grabbed his stash of catnip and flushed it down the toilet.

I was left no choice but to deal with the trespasser myself.

I arched my back in the "Halloween cat" position. I poofed. I twitched my incredible tail. I bared my perfect and complete set of teeth. I hissed and cursed and questioned his lineage. I even told him that he smelled of dog.

It is unfortunate that the two leggers installed insulated windows last year because the stranger was completely unaware of the superior tongue lashing he was receiving.

Finally, out of frustration, I body slammed Tiger Lily into the window causing her cry in her whiny, glass penetrating voice. This annoyed the stranger so much that he left for greener (and less irritating) pastures.

This was of course my strategy all along.

I would also like to give a quick shoutout to my new friend Rumble-Bum. He is a Maine Coon with a great blog. You'll find a link to his blog to the right of my page.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Trials and Tribulations

The bathroom spider is busted.

Longtime followers of my blog thingy may recall that the bathroom spider and I have had a long standing agreement. He is allowed to live in my bathroom under two conditions.

1. He continues to creep out the male two legger.

2. He does not stray from the confines of the bathroom.

A couple of months ago, he violated this agreement by entering the two leggers bedroom and I sent Ivan to "remind" him of the terms of the aforementioned agreement. After Ivan broke several of his numerous kneecaps, the eight legger seemed to have learned his lesson.

However, today while I was touring my kingdom, what should I behold but the bathroom spider scurrying across the carpet obviously on his way to do spidery deeds in the two leggers closet. Clearly he had crossed the line and such behavior cannot be tolerated. He was immediately taken into custody to await his fate.

Now, my two leggers often accuse me of being a tyrant. This is simply not so. I prefer to think of myself as a benevolent dictator. So to prove my point, I decided to grant the eight legger a trial by a jury of his peers.

The only peer I could find was Ivan, (he drinks a LOT of water) and so I appointed him to be the jury. Tiger Lily served as the defense attorney, while I served as both prosecutor and judge. What could be more fair than this?

The trial began with the prosecutor (me) reading the charges. This being done the judge (also me) asked if there were any witnesses for the defense. Tiger Lily immediately produced two other spiders who swore that the bathroom spider was in the bathroom the entire time that he was accused of being seen near the closet. As prosecutor, I immediately ate both defense witnesses and excused them from further testimony.

Tiger Lily jumped up and objected. As judge, I over-ruled her objection and ordered her to be smacked. Lacking a bailiff, I carried this out myself.

Tiger Lily then said that she would like to testify on behalf of her client. Though unusual, I decided to allow this. She launched into a drawn out diatribe about how the poor eight legger was the youngest of 3,000 children and never knew his father. His mother sent him out into the cold cruel world to fend for himself and he ended up settling in the bathroom where he lived out his solitary existence far from his homeland and bereft of fellow eight legger company. How could he help but become a fugitive from the law? He is actually the victim here and should be released immediately.

As prosecutor, I objected on the grounds that this was stupid. As judge, I sustained the objection and ordered the defense attorney to be smacked again. After the acting bailiff (me again) carried this out, I asked if the defense rests. From beneath the entertainment center, she said yes, the defense rests.

The prosecutor then testified that the spider was caught red handed (all eight of them) and that there could be no other verdict than "guilty". The judge heartily agreed, and the case was given to the jury.

The jury was out for two hours, but after the bailiff managed to wake him, he pronounced the accused as guilty. The judge retired to his chambers to ponder the eight legger's sentence and use the royal litter box.

Upon the judge's return, he found that the jury had eaten the defendant in his absence.

Justice has been served.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

I Be Trippin

I have heard several two leggers complain that their feline masters are trying to kill them. This is ridiculous, We would never attempt to kill you. If we killed our two leggers, who would provide us food and catnip mousie thingies? Plus, I've yet to learn how to turn on the firebox thingy.

Killing you is totally out of the question.

We wish to maim you. If you are maimed, you will have more time to worship us. You will be unable to leave our house. You will have to spend more time in bed, thereby keeping it at an agreeably warm temperature. I would lay money that you may even come to thank us for crippling you for life.

That being said, there is a gray area here that requires clarification. We do not wish you to end up in a wheelchair. Wheelchairs are not tail friendly. Walkers and canes are preferable. They enable you remain ambulatory (for feeding us and cleaning the royal litter) and the sound they make has the added benefit of providing us with early warning of your approach. Also, you need both hands to operate a walker, leaving no room to carry a water squirty thingy.

Now allow me to address my fellow felines. When trying to maim your two leggers, do be careful. If you trip them, make sure that they are not carrying a firearm. (One-Eyed Petie will attest to this.) If you are planning on sending them down a set of steps, make sure the steps are not too high or steep as this may cause more damage to the two legger than you wish. If at all possible, try to trip your two legger while their hands are full. This has the dual advantages of not allowing them to catch themselves, as well as making a huge mess when whatever they are carrying breaks upon impact with the floor.

As always, after successfully accomplishing your goal, destroy all the evidence and bury all the witnesses.


I'm back. Ivan has once again slunk back to the land of the illiterate. It is where he is happiest. He is not comfortable when someone asks him to think. He was so stressed, it caused him to slip into a semi-comatose state. Of course, this appears to be normal for him, and he still responds to the sound of the food closet opening, so no one but me noticed.

Well, it has been almost a week since I have posted and much is happening around my house. The two leggers are away most of the time, this being a very hectic time of year for them. Thus, we are left to our own devices in order to keep ourselves amused. While some may see this as a detriment, I see only opportunity.

In the morning before they leave, the two leggers invariably lock me up in one part of my house, and Ivan and Tiger Lily are left in another part of my house. They seem to be under the mistaken belief that this will minimize the damage.

For one thing, I've invented a new game. I call it:"Britches Button Bingo". While the two leggers are absent, I find any pants I can, and chew through the threads that hold the button thingies. How can that be amusing? The key is not chewing completely through the threads, but just mostly through the threads. If this task is performed correctly, the button thingy should not fall off until around 8am when the two leggers are getting ready to leave for the day. Or if you are a true master, the button thingy will fall off later in the day while the two leggers are far from the safe haven of their closet. As always, points are awarded according to the amount of chaos caused.

Ivan spends much of his day glaring at his food bowl. He feels that if he gives it the hairy eyeball long enough, it will magically refill itself out of fear. I have tried many times to explain food bowl physics to him, but once he gets something in his head........well, actually once he gets something in his head, it usually dies of loneliness, but I digress. Let's just say he's stubborn.

Tiger Lily spends most of her day attempting to avoid me. Being locked in a different room, one would think this would be easy, not so. You see, in order to reach the litter box, she must pass by my door. So, I wait. There is a gap between the bottom of the door and the floor. This gap is just large enough that a determined paw can reach out and slap someone. Ivan of course assists in this by standing in the hallway and forcing her to come near the door as she passes.

I'm sure that some of you may see this as mean spirited, however, please be assured, we do this for her own good. I find that a good scare and smacking assists in the litter making process.