Thursday, September 30, 2010

Rub a Dub Dub, Chaos In The Tub.

OK, I had every intention of not posting today. In fact I had every intention of not doing a darn thing today. I was even planning on not smacking Tiger Lily today. Well, that last one went right out the window when I detected her scent on one of my favorite napping spots. Her scent is unmistakable. It smells like a cross between something that needs smacking and something that REALLY needs smacking.

Anyway, my male two legger has just finished pleading with me to post tonight. It seems that a friend of his is going through a tough time and has asked that I spread some joy and enlightenment.
Joy and enlightenment annoy me, but the two legger promised me a new catnip mousie thingy and so I acquiesced.

Not much happened today. Ivan and I played some bathtub soccer. This was amusing until the female decided to take a shower and turned on the water while the bathtub was still occupied. Fortunately, I had realized what was about to happen and vacated the tub about a millisecond before the water arrived. Ivan being slower of both mind and body was not so lucky. This is when the game crossed the threshold from amusing to VERY amusing.

Ivan's stubby little legs became a stubby little blur as his claws could find no purchase on the floor of the tub. Scrabbling around in blind panic, Ivan managed to bring three bottles of shampoo, two bars of soap, and a rubber ducky thingy crashing down upon his unnaturally small head. In a final flurry of claws and teeth, Ivan hooked the shower curtain causing it to fall down in a downpour of grotesquely colored vinyl. This caused much chaos.

Sometimes what begins as a completely innocent activity turns without warning into something beautiful and amusing.

This is for you LisaMarie.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

A Mouse Divided

There is a mouse thingy in my house thingy. Too Dr. Suess?

Last night I detected a mouse thingy. Not a catnip mousie thingy, but a real, living, scratchy sound making, nose twitching, squeaky mouse thingy.

It must die.
It must die slowly in a most amusing way.
It must die, be revived and then die again, and then repeat.

Alas, I have erred. I tipped my hand too early. I should have waited to begin my mouse slaying ritual until the two leggers had retired for the evening. But instead, in a fit of expectant blood letting anticipation, I began stalking the mouse and attracted the attention of the male two legger. So, in his usual pacifistic manner, he decided that though the mouse should be terminated, it should be terminated in the most humane manner possible. Major buzz kill. He went to the outdoor shed and retrieved his pride and joy: The Rat Zapper 3000. The Rat Zapper 3000 claims to kill rodents instantly and painlessly by administering a 50 kajillion volt shock. How they can get 50 kajillion volts from two AA batteries is truly a mystery, but unfortunately it seems to work. They bait it with peanut butter, turn it on, and within an hour or two, there is a faintly glowing mouse corpse awaiting safe and clean disposal. Snore.

This is no way for a mouse to die. Mice are on this earth for two reasons. They annoy humans and amuse felines. A quick painless mouse whacking goes against the laws of nature.

A mouse needs to be stalked. They actually enjoy being stalked. They even squeak so that they are easier to track. That's where we get the phrase "The squeaky mouse gets greased".

Following a proper amount of stalking, the mouse conveniently runs into a corner, or bathtub where the batting commences. Mice should be batted around until they decide to play dead. This can take anywhere from few minutes to upwards of an hour depending on the endurance of the the mouse and the amount of batting force applied.

Once the mouse appears dead, the mouse should be carefully watched. They never truly die after the first round of batting, they are only mostly dead and require a moment to regain some of their aliveness. At the first whisker twitch, the batting begins anew.

After this process is repeated several times, the mouse will stir no more. At this point the mouse is considered to be an ex-rodent. At this point, the mouse has fulfilled it's destiny and should be given a proper burial.

Preferably somewhere in the two leggers bed.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Fireside Cat

This is my favorite time of year. Fire season. I love fire season. Here in my house it lasts about nine months. Not near long enough, but I have plans to lengthen it.

No, I'm not referring to the time of year when a whole bunch of wild tree thingies go up in flames, the season to which I refer occurs when the temperature gets low enough that the two leggers decide to turn on my firebox.

About the only thing the two leggers have that is worthy of my respect is their ability to instantly create fire. About three years ago, while I was still an adorable kitten (about six months before I became an adorable adult), the two leggers paid three hygiene challenged two leggers (they smelled of dog) to come into my house and build the great and wonderful firebox thingy. At first I was less than amused. They removed my favorite "sit and glare at the two leggers" table. Then over the course of seven hours, they banged, talked and annoyed me in general, causing me to miss at least three naps. Just when I thought I could take no more and was just about to send Ivan to mess them up, they packed up their things and left. They had replaced my favorite table with the firebox thingy. At first I didn't like it at all. I still decided it was mine, but I didn't like it. It spans the entire distance between floor and ceiling and therefore I am unable sit atop it. This annoyed me. It is made of a very hard wood, therefore I am unable to scratch or damage it. Also very annoying.

I sat glaring at it until the two leggers returned home. They seemed inordinately happy about this new addition to my home. The male then picked up a tiny button box and "WHOOF", fire appeared. I saw that it was good.

I immediately made the two leggers place my throne in front of it and informed everyone that this belonged to me.

Ivan is of course confused by fire. I've tried to explain that fire makes heat, but complex theories like that are simply beyond his microbrain. I allow Tiger Lily to lay in front of it on occasion but only if it is off and I am napping elsewhere and thus unaware of her trespass.

Earlier, I spoke of extending the fire season. I have been carefully observing the way the two leggers light the firebox. I am positive that the little button box is the key in making fire. However I've yet to crack that nut. Whenever the two leggers leave, I experiment with the tiny button box. But so far all I have been able to do is activate the talking box thingy. But I do not despair.
It is only a matter of time and observation.

Someday I will discover their secret and all will sweat because of it.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

In Your Facebook

Once again I have been observing the two leggers. Once again, I am confused. While two legger behavior is often confusing, it is seldom blog worthy. In this case, I feel I must reach out to my readers and ask them to explain this particular oddness.

The oddness I refer to is called "Facebook". At first glance, Facebook, or "FB" as the oddest two leggers call it, seemed to be a way for two leggers who live in different areas to communicate with each other. I can see the reasoning behind this. I myself wouldn't mind contacting my old littermates and bragging about how I conquered and developed my kingdom. This would be amusing. I would share my wisdom and catnip procurement strategies. Perhaps I would even "franchise" my kingdom. Imagine a world where there was a Cujoish cat in every home that had internet access. Truly a utopian society.

Back to the two leggers. Do they use this technology in the noble pursuit of spreading Cujoness everywhere? No. They use it to tell each other what they had for dinner. They tell each other every single thing that they "like". They show each other silly picture thingies. But most of all, they play games in which they do things that in real life they consider chores.

Take "Farmville". I have observed my male two legger spending hours planting and harvesting crops, feeding and combing animals, building fences and barns. Meanwhile, my lawn needs mowing, I am hungry, my fur is matted, and my roof leaks. Maybe if I awarded useless imaginary money for taking care of us, I'd never again have to witness Ivan sulking because he can see the bottom of his food bowl.

One other thing that annoys me about Facebook is that they have a "like" button thingy. Why only "like"? If I was in charge there would be several more button thingies:
Smack Again

They do have an "ignore" button, but by pressing it aren't you actually "paying attention"?

So please, if you can enlighten me, do so.

Oh, just a side note to the people from PETA who wrote me regarding my treatment of Tiger Lily: As a matter of fact, I DO wear fur.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Wad A Wonderful World

I must confess. I have a weakness. Call it a vice, an obsession or even an addiction. I'm not proud of it, I think it weakens me. But I have promised myself to always be completely truthful in this blog thingy and therefore would be remiss if I were to hide this basket of dirty laundry. So here goes. I can only hope that you can overlook this shortcoming.

I love wads. There I said it.

Not just any wads. I am as selective in my choice of wads as I am in my hairball thingy placement. The proper wad should be 2-3 inches in diameter. It must be made of either note pad paper or that slightly foily stuff that candy bar wrappers are made of. It must not be so tightly mooshed that it fails to make the proper crackly sound. It can NEVER be made of newspaper as that smacks of recycling and therefore annoys me.

Unfortunately, the manufacture and deployment of wads requires the assistance of a two legger. I have spent much time in the training of my two leggers, teaching them the proper assemblage and launch techniques. The irony being that they honestly believe that they have "trained" me to "fetch". It was a long, incredibly tedious process (two leggers can be dim) but they seem to have finally gained at least a rudimentary understanding of what is expected of them.

The hardest thing to teach them was the proper trajectory of wad flight. The wad should should always be thrown so that it forms a perfect parabola of 45 degrees. This allows me time to get under the wad as it begins its' freefall and then bat it out of midair if I so choose. If I choose to allow it to land, the angle enables the wad to skitter across the floor so that I can show off my incredible hockey skills.

After smacking the wad around for several minutes to prove my dominance over all things paper, I then pick it up and return it to the two legged wad launcher and wait for the next round. This can continue for hours.

I have tried several times to introduce my feline minions to the pleasure of the wad, but have thus far failed to stimulate their interest. Tiger Lily just whines about all the smacking involved, and Ivan has a fear of all things round.

There, now you know my dirty little secret. It's out there. Deal with it.

Monday, September 20, 2010

"Family Time"

My two leggers have now mandated a new type of Hell. They call it "family time". Ever since their offspring escaped, the two leggers have now unleashed their unpasteurized affection upon myself and my four legged minions. Adoration, admiration and worshipful awe are welcomed and of course, expected, but affection is unacceptable.

Affection is an emotion that implies the expectation of the return of the same emotion. Silly two leggers. When will they learn?

Anyway, I digress. Family time occurs every evening at ten o'clock sharp. The two leggers retire to their bed in order to watch the talking box thingy and expect us feline types to join them. They even go so far as to pick us up and lock us in the bedroom. As if we don't have better things to do. There are dust bunnies to harvest and "knock-knacks" (not a typo) to "rearrange". These are things that are difficult to accomplish while the two leggers are up and about.

We have learned to accept this daily purgatory, though we refuse to like it.

Tiger Lily curls up on the pillow behind the female's head, usually with her tail tickling her ear. This amuses her. Ivan sprawls with his ample weight equally distributed across both the two leggers raising their body temperature by an average of 115 degrees Farenheit. I meanwhile, am not so predictable. Sometimes I curl up and pretend to nap on the end of the bed, but not often. I prefer activities that cause more mayhem.

For instance, I have found that by sitting on top of the talking box thingy and giving the two leggers my patented "owl-face" glare, I can irritate them to the point that they end up letting me out. It also amuses to me walk along the bedstands enforcing the law of gravity on anything that may be pushed off.

But what amuses me the most is sneaking along the side of the bed, waiting until I am precisely even with Tiger Lily's position, and then leaping upon her with out warning. This invariably causes a chain reaction of chaos. Startling Tiger Lily causes her to poof, jump and declare her displeasure in an incredibly loud whine (not always in that order). This startles both two leggers which in turn causes Ivan to poof and fly off the bed and run into the nearest wall. Pictures have been known to be knocked down by Ivan's impact with the wall. This never fails to make the two leggers so frustrated that me and my cohorts are declared unfit for family time and banished from the bedroom.

Mission accomplished.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Rain Blows

It rained today. Why is this blog worthy? Because it irritated me. Why did it irritate me? Read on, McDuff.

As a rule, rain seldom irritates me. It occasionally even amuses me. When it rains it will sometimes irritate the two leggers. They often plan outdoor activities only to have them ruined by rain. Given our geographic location, one would think that they would never plan anything that takes place outdoors. But being the incurable optimists that they are, (which I find unbearably irritating) they go ahead and plan away. Therefore when Mother Nature reaches out and smacks their plans into soggy oblivion, it amuses me.

It also amuses me when it rains because I am fully aware that the neighbor's yappy little shiver hound is stuck outside until his two leggers return from work. I enjoy sitting in the bay window, observing him sitting on his front porch shaking like, well, one of those really shaky thingies. I have even been known to chortle at this.

The reason the rain annoyed me today was the fact that the two leggers were home all day with nothing in particular planned. This compelled them to declare a "lazy day". In essence, they sat around all day with nothing to do but impede my activities. Every time I decided to torture Tiger Lily, the male would grab the water squirty thingy and chase me into the spare room until the urge had passed. I was unable to cause any damage because they were ALWAYS watching. Ivan spent the whole day on the female's lap so I was unable to mess with him. I couldn't even bird watch because apparently the bird thingies took a "lazy day" as well.

Finally I have reached a decision. I will nap. It won't amuse me, however it will have the benefit of allowing me to stay up ALL night sowing hate and discontent. They may have had a "lazy day", but their night should be somewhat more interesting.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Fork Fairy

Yes, I'm evil. I admit it. I revel in it. It's what I am. It's what I do.

Now many of you may gasp in disbelief, mouths agape with incredulity. But it's true. Allow me to elaborate.

I have noticed over the years that the two leggers will often leave a few dirty dishes on the counter with the intention of washing them the next morning. Invariably, this also includes a few items of silverware. One night while visiting the midnight buffet, I decided that all the silverware should be introduced to the floor. The introductions thus being made, I took special notice of the fork thingies. What drew my attention to them was that through some quirk of engineering, they slid incredibly well, and silently, on any smooth surface. Now normally I don't do silence. Silence is usually the arch enemy of chaos, but in this case it actually serves as a useful ally.

First I required a handy hidey hole in which to stash what was to become the first of many liberated fork thingies. There is a place in every house that no two legger dares to look. It is dark, eternally dirty and difficult to reach. It is my belief that two leggers are raised from childhood never to explore this space. Though it be small, it is capable of holding a remarkable amount of unsavory evidence. It is of course, "THE SPACE BENEATH THE STOVE".

Now if I were to liberate all the fork thingies at once, the two leggers would surely grow suspicious. This bit of amusement requires more patience and tact. Every third night, I would liberate a single fork thingy. After several weeks, the female two legger noticed a scarcity of eating utensils. Assuming this was the male's fault, she chastised him and then bought a new set of fork thingies. These new fork thingies however, were of a slightly different design and therefore didn't match the others. I continued my late night larceny until the lack of utensils was once again noticed. Now with the male instructed to only eat with his fingers, it was time to up the ante.

The following night, I removed one of the new fork thingies from the pit of darkness and placed it strategically on the floor below the sink. This drew no notice from the two leggers, so the next night I placed two of the original fork thingies next to the refrigerator. These were noticed and subsequently washed and placed in their drawer. Their confusion is amusing. My plan is to continue in this manner until the two leggers discover that all their fork thingies have returned to their roost. Once this is accomplished, the migration of the fork thingies will begin anew.

Now just a request to my loyal readers: If any of you are in contact with my two leggers, please do not blow the whistle on me. This has provided me with much amusement and I'd hate to have to send Ivan after your shoes.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Feline Football League (FFL)

The male two legger is excited. He is happy. He is beside himself with glee. This annoys me. Why is he in such a great mood? Football season begins today. Rah.

Every year the male two legger goes through a mental metamorphosis. Normally he is a mild mannered "live and let live" type, but during football season he suddenly begins to yell at the talking box thingy. He slathers at the mouth and has even been known to kick furniture. While I applaud his new found aggressiveness, after a while it gets tiresome. Therefore, last year I decided to observe this two legged pastime.

I am perplexed. This game seems anathema to all things feline. While the sight of two leggers bashing into each other is somewhat amusing, they are entirely too polite about it. So after much consideration, I have decided to form a feline football league. This will be exactly like the two legger game, but entirely different.

First of all half the two leggers spend their time trying to take the ball thingy away from the other half, only to politely hand it back to them several minutes later. This is not right. In my league, you will get to keep the ball thingy (actually a hamster) until you are either tired of it, or beaten into submission.

Each team will consist of one cat per side and there will be no limit to how many teams can play each game.

Many things that the two leggers consider foul play will actually be encouraged in my league. Smacking, scratching, kicking and biting are to be considered good form.

Points will be awarded on the following basis:
6 points for body slamming the team possessing the ball thingy.
3 points per poofing
3 points per lamp knocked over.
10 points if lamp should break.
3 points for causing the other team to drop the ball thingy.
6 points for killing the ball thingy.
Various points may also be awarded according to the amount of collateral damage inflicted.

No pause between plays. However, if a sunbeam should happen to fall upon the field of play, a mandatory ten minute nap will be taken. Otherwise, play will only be halted for litter box visits or replacement of the old hamster with a fresh, conscious one. The game will end only when one side gives up, the two legger brings out the water squirty thingy, or we run out of hamsters.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Disabled Vet

There was a disturbance in the force. I knew it when I awoke to the sound of the male two legger unzipping the door of the kitty carrier thingy. This could mean a really bad thing was about to happen, or a really good thing.

A really bad thing would be the two leggers taking me to the Vet. A really good thing would be the two leggers taking Ivan or Tiger Lily to the Vet.

The last time the kitty carrier thingy was brought out, it was Tiger Lily who was abducted. This amused me. But what really amused me was what happened when she was returned. The female two legger carried her in and much to my joy, she was wearing one of those plastic cone thingies. O' happy day! Ivan and I could barely contain ourselves. For the next several days, we were truly entertained. We made up a whole new genre of amusing games. Games such as:
Ring The Whiny Bell.
Poof The Conehead.
Hide The Food Behind The Conehead.
And my personal favorite: Hairball Hoops.

Alas, this time it was my turn. I was NOT amused. The male two legger spent the next half hour trying to force me into the carrier. He was quite proud of his accomplishment until he realized that he just spent 30 minutes trying to overpower something 1/16th his body mass. Bravo, well done.

We then spent the next 20 minutes on the road with me voicing my displeasure incessantly. Though I knew it would make no difference, I derived some satisfaction from making him say "shhush" over fifty times.

We arrived at the vet's office. When the vet entered the room and saw me, the look of horror on her face made me suspect that we had met before. Her stammering confirmed my suspicion. She immediately exited only to return moments later wearing heavy gloves and a fencing helmet. She then proceeded to stick something somewhere that I am sure things should not be stuck. She seemed to draw pleasure from my discomfort. After looking in my mouth (where bits of her are soon to be found) She stuck me with a needle while giggling maniacally and pronounced me "healthy".

This time I was only too happy to get in the carrier. I silently plotted my revenge all the way home. I could tell this made the two leggers nervous. As I was carried into my house, I could see both Ivan and Tiger Lily eagerly watching in the bay window for my return. Upon my release, Ivan of course gave me a thorough sniffing while Tiger Lily sulked away, disappointed that I was not wearing the plastic cone thingy.

Tonight, I dine on Italian leather.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

The Felonious Paw

One of my favorite activities is theft. I know you may ask, why, when I own everything in my kingdom, should I feel the need to resort to stealing? The answer has nothing to do with need, it is simply the act that amuses me. It has more to do with the "getting" rather than the "having".

My favorite loot: Drinking straws. The female two legger prefers to obtain her hydration from glasses with straws rather than dirty bowls with floaty thingies like us civilized types. This provides many opportunities for theft and havoc.

I have several methods that I employ in the perpetration of my crimes:

1) The Cat Burglar Method- This uses my powers of stealth. I pretend to be asleep in another
room lulling the two legger into a false sense of security. I then silently stalk the victim, moving through the house using chairs and tables to provide concealment. Once I am close enough, I wait until the two legger is not looking and then make my grab using stealth and silence to make good my escape. I then lie back in my original spot and wait for the two legger to notice that they've been victimized once again.

2) The Strong Arm Method- For this I utilize Ivan. While I am curled up on the two legger's lap,
Ivan jumps up as though he is about to release his wrath upon the two legger. As the two legger reaches for the water bottle thingy, I shoot off her lap snagging the straw in the process. By the time the theft is uncovered, I have already stashed the booty in the bathtub to be played with later.

3) The Fur's a Flyin Method- This is the most complex method requiring the coordination of both Ivan and Tiger Lily, (albeit her cooperation is not necessarily voluntary). We wait until Tiger Lily is in another room, then Ivan goes in and begins pounding on her mercilessly. This
causes her to wail like an American Idol contestant. While the two legger is distracted, I de-straw her beverage leaving no witnesses.

Occasionally, the two legger won't notice that she has been had. When this happens, I like to retrieve the straw from its' hidey hole and then drop it on the floor in front of her. This allows her the opportunity to appreciate my prowess and skill.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Litter Box Etiquette

I am often asked: "What is proper etiquette when it comes to usage of the royal litter?" OK, no one has actually ever asked me that, but it would be cool if they did, because I have many thoughts on this subject.

First of all, the litter box is the one place in my house that is both useful and fun at the same time. You can use it to mess with the two leggers as well as the other four leggers in your household.

My litter boxes (I have two) are of the type that have both covers and little door thingies. They provide privacy and room when I need a little "me" time. That being said, they also provide great opportunity for ambush. I truly enjoy waiting until Tiger Lily has just about finished her business and is considering the best method of fecal concealment, then while she is most distracted, I smack the little door thingy causing her to produce more fecal matter that will need concealing. This is truly amusing

Ivan is a master of the "Poop, Poof and Bolt". He waits by the litter box that is situated next to the computer thingy until the female two legger is engrossed in her Farmville stuff, then he enters the litter box, lays down something that is so unholy that it causes him to "poof", and then bolts from the room leaving the excrement uncovered for the enjoyment of the two legger. Sometimes the two legger appreciates this so much that it brings tears to her eyes.

My personal favorite though is the "Clean Box Fake Out". We do this whenever the two leggers are expecting guests. I know when they are expecting other two leggers because the female uses the hoover sucky thingy while the male does an incredibly thorough cleaning of both boxes. Ivan and I will wait patiently until the cleaning is done and then take turns entering the boxes where we wait for a few moments and then scratch until we have the two leggers attention. This causes him to grab the scoop and search fruitlessly. Even Tiger Lily is amused.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Don't Worry, Be Yappy

I am NOT amused.

The two leggers invited a couple of their friends to my house today. As if this wasn't bad enough, the visiting two leggers had the temerity to bring along their sad excuse for a canine. Allow me to elaborate:

This canine is of the "tea cup poodle" variety. Apparently "tea cup" poodles are tiny little versions of a larger form of mutt. It is approximately one tailspan in length and the same in height.
It's eyes are buggy and it's only purpose in life seems to be standing on its' two leggers lap yapping at the top of its' tiny little lungs while shaking like Richard Simmons at a biker rally. Its' name is "Kirby" but I prefer to call it "Smackbait". It is white and according to Ivan, tastes like chicken.

Upon the arrival of this little taste of purgatory, my two leggers informed me that they expected me to be nice. Funny how they can spend so much time with me and yet know so little about my personality. Curious. I assured them that I'd be happy to "play" with the tiny interloper. I have lots of games that I'm sure would be entertaining. For instance:
Hide The Tiny Body
Buggy Eye Smackdown
Tag Team Poodle Stomp
Slap Everything That Shakes.
Name That Blood Stain

Ivan and I finally decided to play a new game. We called it "Name That Sound". Come to find out, a vase dropped on a mini-mutt's head from a height of six tailspans actually makes more of a "tonk" sound. I coulda sworn it'd be more like "thunk". Who knew?

Well, the good news is that the dog is no longer shaking.