Saturday, January 22, 2011

The Tominator

He's at it again.

For some strange reason that has always escaped me, my male two legger enjoys watching the really bad disaster/monster movies that the Sci-Fi channel shows on the talking box thingy.

Given the fact that both my throne and the firebox thingy are in the living room directly opposite the talking box thingy, I am forced to endure these movies.

It does not amuse me.

This week he is watching something about the energizer bunny of all earthquake thingies that is threatening to destroy the world.


All these movie thingies seem to have several similarities.
1. Bad acting
2. Bad special effects.
3. A poor misunderstood scientist whose wild theories got him fired from his government job, but whose theories are now being proven by the current crisis.
4. The poor misunderstood scientist's ex-wife who is now in a position of influence with the President.
5. Former child stars in starring roles.
6. Did I mention bad acting?

I do not understand my two legger's fascination with this drivel. For a two legger, he seems to be moderately intelligent. (He can even spell his name correctly five out of seven times) Which is why his interest in bad cinema is so confusing.

Therefore I have decided to write my own disaster/monster movie:

Inside a secret government lab, deep in the woods of Western Washington, a government scientist mistakenly releases a germ thingy that kills all animal life.

Except squirrels.

This germ thingy spreads quickly due to another government program that has for the past 30 years been training pigeons to collect used band aids and drop them in parks near large population centers. The used band aids then stick to the shoes of unsuspecting park users and are tracked throughout the city.

Just when all seems lost, a cat appears from the future. He is, of course, a strikingly handsome tuxedo cat that due to his advanced intelligence has learned to communicate with the two leggers and also developed a cure for the mad squirrel plague. He immediately contacts the nearest divorced/disgraced scientist and teaches him how to smear the cure on dirty band aids and set them around statue thingies to be redistributed by the pigeons.

In an ironic plot twist, the cure for the disease is deadly to squirrels.

The movie ends with our feline hero from the future curing world hunger by teaching the two leggers how to grow genetically enhanced varieties of catnip and tuna. He is then unanimously elected Universal Dictator for life and given his choice of females.

And he lives happily ever after.

Roll credits.


  1. Cujo I likes your sxript! Send it to howliwood rite now. Mai hooman terns on those syfy showz an then gets bizy on teh puter an makes US lissen to teh show. Now if that show had skwirrelz it wud be purrfikt! Thanks you for saving teh kittehs of teh werld.

  2. BRILLIANT!!!!!! I want a part in this movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. AND the Universal Dictator avoids all vet visits and getting neutered. (subplot)

  4. Hey, you ought to submit this story for the's better than some I've seen! Besides, I love brave, courageous cats! da 'bomb'!!!

  5. Cujo, my ex-dad loved those stupid shows, too, so I just stayed upstairs, totally away from that nutjob. However, my sister and I would watch your movie should you ever find someone to make it!

    Your friend, Fuzzy