Roots

Over the last several weeks, I have received requests for more information about my two leggers. I know not why anyone would be interested in them, but being the ever congenial tyrant that I am, I have decided to comply.

So I present to you, Doug's family history as told by.......Doug.

"My ancestors originally arrived in this great land (America) in 1870. Twenty year-old Daniel Dunn arrived here from Ireland and immediately headed west to seek his fortune. Daniel found gainful employment with General Custer's 7th Cavalry as head poop picker upper. His job was to follow the cavalry and clear the trail so that the infantry would not get their feet dirty with the excrement of the preceding beasts of burden. Danny 'Greenboots' Dunn, as Custer liked to call him, served meritoriously until 1876 when the 7th Cavalry met its' fate at the Little Big Horn. Danny was not present at the battle, however he did arrive the next day and did his duty by clearing the battleground of all fecal matter. For this he was awarded the Brown Star of Valor and summarily discharged from the Army.

"Danny then went into private practice. In 1890, he became rich after inventing the Poop Limiting Undertail Gizmo (P.L.U.G. for short) However, the advent of the automobile and several unfortunate cases of exploding horses limited the success of his invention.

"In 1892, Danny met the love of his life, Doreen. Doreen was a former side show performer and recreational gypsy. She was fired from the side show after losing one of her three eyes in an unfortunate bratwurst making accident. The sideshow already had several two-eyed women and so she was summarily laid off. Danny and Doreen settled in central Texas where they raised their two children, Poolina and Duke. Poolina passed away in infancy.

"Duke, under his loving parents guidance, grew into a strapping young man of 4'11". Nicknamed 'Duke', he left home at three years old to seek his fortune.

"Duke met his bride Eileen in 1952. Ironically, Eileen was a one legged waitress working at IHOP. She and Duke settled on the family farm where they made a living raising canned hams. They also tried raising lean beef, but the cows kept blowing away in the high Texas winds.

"In 1966, Eileen gave birth to me. Duke and Eileen raised me as if I was one of their own. The youngest of one, I was forced to wear my own hand me downs. It was rough country life. Our furniture was made of mud and cactus. I recall waiting by the horse stop, (our school was too poor to afford buses) in the middle of the harsh Texas winter. One year it actually got down to 60 degrees. (Brrrrr) But I never complained. Duke always told me "Remember son, that in other parts of the world, there are kids who are much smarter and handsomer than you". I'm not sure how that helped, but that was his way.

"In 1984, I joined the U.S. Navy. The Navy taught me how to wear shoes that tie and how to open a beer bottle with my teeth. I cannot understate how that experience changed my life.

"I was discharged in 1987 when it was discovered that that I had only one functioning nostril. At loose ends, I wandered around looking for a job wherein which I could cut, burn and mutilate myself and yet still get paid. Goldsmithing was the perfect fit."

The rest is history.