Thursday, January 20, 2011


I don't understand it.

I am confused.

I am annoyed because I don't understand it and it confuses me.

Why are dogs always so happy?

Between naps, snacks, litter box visits, slapping Tiger Lily and chaos creation, I have been pondering this very question.

What the hell is it that makes dogs so eternally happy?

They are happy when they see a two legger. They are happy when they don't see a two legger. They are happy when they are well fed. They are happy when they are hungry. They are happy when they are thrown a ball. They are happy when you only fake throwing them a ball. They are happy when they go poo, and then they are happy eating the poo that just made them happy when they left it. They are even happy when they are unconscious. They can be completely comatose and that tail will still be wagging.

My first thought was that their happiness stemmed from their lack of mental capacity. However, Ivan disproves this theory. He has the IQ of a mentally challenged dust bunny, yet he is very seldom happy. So obviously stupidity is not the key to a cheerful disposition. (Washington DC. would replace Disneyland as the "Happiest Place on Earth" otherwise.)

My second hypothesis involved a recreational drug that affects only canines. After searching the internet thingy, I failed to find any references to "dognip". I did however find several website thingies that discussed canine fashion, although the pictures seemed to have very little in common with "doggy style" and only confused me more.

My final consideration is that canine anatomy includes a "happy gland". I believe this gland is located in the dog's hindquarters. It is triggered by the dog's nose. Apparently there is a complimentary gland on the dog's nose that triggers the "happy gland" on the dog's butt.

Whenever a dog's nose comes into close contact with either its' own butt or that of another canine, some type of chemical reaction thingy takes place in the doggy brain that makes it incredibly happy. This reaction seems to be very short-lived causing the dog to constantly repeat the process, usually several hundred times per day.

Yes, this must be the answer.

Just a note to Cesar Millan.(The Dog Whisperer) If you require any more advice, I am at your service.


  1. Personally I have never met a dog but as it sounds like it would be impossible to have a philosophical conversation with one, I don't think I want to. Maybe they are related to goldfish and cannot remember anything for longer than 30 seconds so just default to happy mode ? Or perhaps they all have a lobotomy gene ?

  2. Very interesting theory, Mr. Cujo. We have never been around dogs, but we think it's far more rewarding to have our humans WORK to make us happy. Then they get a mushy gushy feeling like they did something good, which in turn keeps them working hard to please us. It's kind of like that saying "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free". Or maybe not.

  3. Oh yes. The new resident mutt here seems strangely happy and waggy all the time. And stoopid.

    Today my two legger thought it would be a good idea to hide a worming tablet in some ham for me and big sis and the mutt. The mutt ate it obligingly, but big sis and I knew better. We just ate the ham and left the crushed up pill behind. Mwahahahaha! All of us ended up happy. Except for the two legger!