Wednesday, September 29, 2010

A Mouse Divided

There is a mouse thingy in my house thingy. Too Dr. Suess?

Last night I detected a mouse thingy. Not a catnip mousie thingy, but a real, living, scratchy sound making, nose twitching, squeaky mouse thingy.

It must die.
It must die slowly in a most amusing way.
It must die, be revived and then die again, and then repeat.

Alas, I have erred. I tipped my hand too early. I should have waited to begin my mouse slaying ritual until the two leggers had retired for the evening. But instead, in a fit of expectant blood letting anticipation, I began stalking the mouse and attracted the attention of the male two legger. So, in his usual pacifistic manner, he decided that though the mouse should be terminated, it should be terminated in the most humane manner possible. Major buzz kill. He went to the outdoor shed and retrieved his pride and joy: The Rat Zapper 3000. The Rat Zapper 3000 claims to kill rodents instantly and painlessly by administering a 50 kajillion volt shock. How they can get 50 kajillion volts from two AA batteries is truly a mystery, but unfortunately it seems to work. They bait it with peanut butter, turn it on, and within an hour or two, there is a faintly glowing mouse corpse awaiting safe and clean disposal. Snore.

This is no way for a mouse to die. Mice are on this earth for two reasons. They annoy humans and amuse felines. A quick painless mouse whacking goes against the laws of nature.

A mouse needs to be stalked. They actually enjoy being stalked. They even squeak so that they are easier to track. That's where we get the phrase "The squeaky mouse gets greased".

Following a proper amount of stalking, the mouse conveniently runs into a corner, or bathtub where the batting commences. Mice should be batted around until they decide to play dead. This can take anywhere from few minutes to upwards of an hour depending on the endurance of the the mouse and the amount of batting force applied.

Once the mouse appears dead, the mouse should be carefully watched. They never truly die after the first round of batting, they are only mostly dead and require a moment to regain some of their aliveness. At the first whisker twitch, the batting begins anew.

After this process is repeated several times, the mouse will stir no more. At this point the mouse is considered to be an ex-rodent. At this point, the mouse has fulfilled it's destiny and should be given a proper burial.

Preferably somewhere in the two leggers bed.

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