Sunday, September 5, 2010

The Felonious Paw

One of my favorite activities is theft. I know you may ask, why, when I own everything in my kingdom, should I feel the need to resort to stealing? The answer has nothing to do with need, it is simply the act that amuses me. It has more to do with the "getting" rather than the "having".

My favorite loot: Drinking straws. The female two legger prefers to obtain her hydration from glasses with straws rather than dirty bowls with floaty thingies like us civilized types. This provides many opportunities for theft and havoc.

I have several methods that I employ in the perpetration of my crimes:

1) The Cat Burglar Method- This uses my powers of stealth. I pretend to be asleep in another
room lulling the two legger into a false sense of security. I then silently stalk the victim, moving through the house using chairs and tables to provide concealment. Once I am close enough, I wait until the two legger is not looking and then make my grab using stealth and silence to make good my escape. I then lie back in my original spot and wait for the two legger to notice that they've been victimized once again.

2) The Strong Arm Method- For this I utilize Ivan. While I am curled up on the two legger's lap,
Ivan jumps up as though he is about to release his wrath upon the two legger. As the two legger reaches for the water bottle thingy, I shoot off her lap snagging the straw in the process. By the time the theft is uncovered, I have already stashed the booty in the bathtub to be played with later.

3) The Fur's a Flyin Method- This is the most complex method requiring the coordination of both Ivan and Tiger Lily, (albeit her cooperation is not necessarily voluntary). We wait until Tiger Lily is in another room, then Ivan goes in and begins pounding on her mercilessly. This
causes her to wail like an American Idol contestant. While the two legger is distracted, I de-straw her beverage leaving no witnesses.

Occasionally, the two legger won't notice that she has been had. When this happens, I like to retrieve the straw from its' hidey hole and then drop it on the floor in front of her. This allows her the opportunity to appreciate my prowess and skill.


  1. Cujo, you are the cats pajamas! Oh no, wait, you are the CAT! You wear pajamas?? Thats just silly!

  2. Greetings Cujo-since Dandi is a princess she has asked me to relay one of her most successful jewlery thefts to date. In her own words: While Pattie Bird my 2 legger that keeps house for me and her 2 related female 2 leggers where going through their recently passed Mom's personal jewlery, boxes and things they had set the big box containing all the toys in the middle of the coffee table and were taking things out one by one a separating them or claiming treasures for themselves. One 2 legger sister wanted to know where the other 2 legger sister put some of the necklaces and kind of made it sound like she had hid them for herself. All 3 2 legger females started looking for the items. My timing was a bit off and they saw my paw come out of the box handle hole whereupon I grabbed a most sparkly rhinestone necklace-it went very well with my fur and green eyes. They pounced on my paw, found me hiding in the box laying on top of my "swiped" treasures. Grrrrrr....they took them all back and laughed at me. Now really......

  3. Dandi,
    While I admire your larceny, I also feel your pain. It is never easy to be laughed at, especially by the likes of a two legger. The key is not to be too greedy. Often times it is best to take less and simply observe the chaos. I wish you luck in your future criminal endeavors.