Thursday, September 9, 2010

Feline Football League (FFL)

The male two legger is excited. He is happy. He is beside himself with glee. This annoys me. Why is he in such a great mood? Football season begins today. Rah.

Every year the male two legger goes through a mental metamorphosis. Normally he is a mild mannered "live and let live" type, but during football season he suddenly begins to yell at the talking box thingy. He slathers at the mouth and has even been known to kick furniture. While I applaud his new found aggressiveness, after a while it gets tiresome. Therefore, last year I decided to observe this two legged pastime.

I am perplexed. This game seems anathema to all things feline. While the sight of two leggers bashing into each other is somewhat amusing, they are entirely too polite about it. So after much consideration, I have decided to form a feline football league. This will be exactly like the two legger game, but entirely different.

First of all half the two leggers spend their time trying to take the ball thingy away from the other half, only to politely hand it back to them several minutes later. This is not right. In my league, you will get to keep the ball thingy (actually a hamster) until you are either tired of it, or beaten into submission.

Each team will consist of one cat per side and there will be no limit to how many teams can play each game.

Many things that the two leggers consider foul play will actually be encouraged in my league. Smacking, scratching, kicking and biting are to be considered good form.

Points will be awarded on the following basis:
6 points for body slamming the team possessing the ball thingy.
3 points per poofing
3 points per lamp knocked over.
10 points if lamp should break.
3 points for causing the other team to drop the ball thingy.
6 points for killing the ball thingy.
Various points may also be awarded according to the amount of collateral damage inflicted.

No pause between plays. However, if a sunbeam should happen to fall upon the field of play, a mandatory ten minute nap will be taken. Otherwise, play will only be halted for litter box visits or replacement of the old hamster with a fresh, conscious one. The game will end only when one side gives up, the two legger brings out the water squirty thingy, or we run out of hamsters.


  1. Cujo, This is your funniest yet. Be careful, or you will write your two-legger out of a job. Probably wouldn't sit well if his lovely feline brought home the bacon!!

  2. Instead of being paid with real money do you get paid in catnip + a smack to the cheerleader? (Tigerlily).