Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Fork Fairy

Yes, I'm evil. I admit it. I revel in it. It's what I am. It's what I do.

Now many of you may gasp in disbelief, mouths agape with incredulity. But it's true. Allow me to elaborate.

I have noticed over the years that the two leggers will often leave a few dirty dishes on the counter with the intention of washing them the next morning. Invariably, this also includes a few items of silverware. One night while visiting the midnight buffet, I decided that all the silverware should be introduced to the floor. The introductions thus being made, I took special notice of the fork thingies. What drew my attention to them was that through some quirk of engineering, they slid incredibly well, and silently, on any smooth surface. Now normally I don't do silence. Silence is usually the arch enemy of chaos, but in this case it actually serves as a useful ally.

First I required a handy hidey hole in which to stash what was to become the first of many liberated fork thingies. There is a place in every house that no two legger dares to look. It is dark, eternally dirty and difficult to reach. It is my belief that two leggers are raised from childhood never to explore this space. Though it be small, it is capable of holding a remarkable amount of unsavory evidence. It is of course, "THE SPACE BENEATH THE STOVE".

Now if I were to liberate all the fork thingies at once, the two leggers would surely grow suspicious. This bit of amusement requires more patience and tact. Every third night, I would liberate a single fork thingy. After several weeks, the female two legger noticed a scarcity of eating utensils. Assuming this was the male's fault, she chastised him and then bought a new set of fork thingies. These new fork thingies however, were of a slightly different design and therefore didn't match the others. I continued my late night larceny until the lack of utensils was once again noticed. Now with the male instructed to only eat with his fingers, it was time to up the ante.

The following night, I removed one of the new fork thingies from the pit of darkness and placed it strategically on the floor below the sink. This drew no notice from the two leggers, so the next night I placed two of the original fork thingies next to the refrigerator. These were noticed and subsequently washed and placed in their drawer. Their confusion is amusing. My plan is to continue in this manner until the two leggers discover that all their fork thingies have returned to their roost. Once this is accomplished, the migration of the fork thingies will begin anew.

Now just a request to my loyal readers: If any of you are in contact with my two leggers, please do not blow the whistle on me. This has provided me with much amusement and I'd hate to have to send Ivan after your shoes.


  1. Cujo, have to tell you, we've been doing this for years, humans still don't get it. They are not that smart. BTY legged boy in house has learned to confess to anything weird that happens before his is yelled at and we now have special rights never before imagined.

  2. I totally concur with your evaluation of two legger mental capacity. I believe the male two legger is actually beginning to believe that these things are his fault. MWAHAHA! I love it when a plan comes together. Keep up the good work,