Friday, December 3, 2010

Trials and Tribulations

The bathroom spider is busted.

Longtime followers of my blog thingy may recall that the bathroom spider and I have had a long standing agreement. He is allowed to live in my bathroom under two conditions.

1. He continues to creep out the male two legger.

2. He does not stray from the confines of the bathroom.

A couple of months ago, he violated this agreement by entering the two leggers bedroom and I sent Ivan to "remind" him of the terms of the aforementioned agreement. After Ivan broke several of his numerous kneecaps, the eight legger seemed to have learned his lesson.

However, today while I was touring my kingdom, what should I behold but the bathroom spider scurrying across the carpet obviously on his way to do spidery deeds in the two leggers closet. Clearly he had crossed the line and such behavior cannot be tolerated. He was immediately taken into custody to await his fate.

Now, my two leggers often accuse me of being a tyrant. This is simply not so. I prefer to think of myself as a benevolent dictator. So to prove my point, I decided to grant the eight legger a trial by a jury of his peers.

The only peer I could find was Ivan, (he drinks a LOT of water) and so I appointed him to be the jury. Tiger Lily served as the defense attorney, while I served as both prosecutor and judge. What could be more fair than this?

The trial began with the prosecutor (me) reading the charges. This being done the judge (also me) asked if there were any witnesses for the defense. Tiger Lily immediately produced two other spiders who swore that the bathroom spider was in the bathroom the entire time that he was accused of being seen near the closet. As prosecutor, I immediately ate both defense witnesses and excused them from further testimony.

Tiger Lily jumped up and objected. As judge, I over-ruled her objection and ordered her to be smacked. Lacking a bailiff, I carried this out myself.

Tiger Lily then said that she would like to testify on behalf of her client. Though unusual, I decided to allow this. She launched into a drawn out diatribe about how the poor eight legger was the youngest of 3,000 children and never knew his father. His mother sent him out into the cold cruel world to fend for himself and he ended up settling in the bathroom where he lived out his solitary existence far from his homeland and bereft of fellow eight legger company. How could he help but become a fugitive from the law? He is actually the victim here and should be released immediately.

As prosecutor, I objected on the grounds that this was stupid. As judge, I sustained the objection and ordered the defense attorney to be smacked again. After the acting bailiff (me again) carried this out, I asked if the defense rests. From beneath the entertainment center, she said yes, the defense rests.

The prosecutor then testified that the spider was caught red handed (all eight of them) and that there could be no other verdict than "guilty". The judge heartily agreed, and the case was given to the jury.

The jury was out for two hours, but after the bailiff managed to wake him, he pronounced the accused as guilty. The judge retired to his chambers to ponder the eight legger's sentence and use the royal litter box.

Upon the judge's return, he found that the jury had eaten the defendant in his absence.

Justice has been served.


  1. Hahahaha!! What a brilliant adventure my friend! That spider was clearly in need of a good nom-ing.

  2. OMG, Cujo...What Future Havoc has thou Wrought? "Revenge of the Spider Thingies" (the next installment of the series?) Beware Sir Master Cujo...Reap what you Sow!! at Attention and awaiting further orders, Sir!!