Thursday, December 30, 2010

Snot Funny

My male two legger has undergone a transformation.

A transformation of both mind and body.

I am very amused.

It began Tuesday.

Tuesday began much like any other day in my world. The two leggers woke up, fed Ivan and Tiger Lily, and gave me my morning worship. They then showered, drank coffee, and left to go wherever it is they go on Tuesday.

The first sign that anything was amiss came that evening when they arrived home. The male was even paler than his normal coloration. When he spoke, it sounded like a cross between a duck and a lawnmower.

But most disturbing thing of all was the substance that oozed from his face. It appeared to be the same substance that snail thingies leave in their wake when they cross my deck. After much pondering, I came to the conclusion that he had spent the day shoving snails up his nose and was now paying the price for such an ill considered decision.

After watching him for the remainder of the evening, I decided that my first hypothesis was incorrect. Given his somewhat limited cranial capacity, there is no possible way that he could have fit that many snails into such a small space.

Further investigation was warranted. I stole one of the tissue thingies that he used in his attempts to stop the flow of the substance in question. It was damp, a bit slimy, and according to Ivan (my official taste tester) it tasted like chicken. I decided to call it "s'not". Owing to the fact that it's not liquid, and it's not solid either. Hence: "s'not".

Now, being a fan of gravity, (gravity is utilized by all felines world wide as part of our chaos inducing repertoire) I understand that the S'not could only be coming from the upper six inches of the two leggers head. His eyes did not show signs of deflation, so the only conclusion to be drawn is that the S'not is actually brain matter.

This makes sense. Since he started leaking, his thought processes have slowed. He seems very lethargic. He is almost unresponsive at times. Ivan enjoys this. He has a lap to inhabit all day and the two legger keeps forgetting that he's already been fed.

The only thing that puzzles me is the amount that is leaking. I would never have dreamed that he had that much to leak. I only hope it ceases before he lapses into a permanent vegetative state. If he should become comatose, I fear that he will no longer be to able clean the royal litter.

Tonight, while all is quiet, I will hold his nose open while Ivan stuffs the tissue thingies back up into his head.

We can save him.


  1. Perhaps he used mutant snails that produce TEN TIMES the normal amount of slime.
    Remember, the stupider humans are more docile and easier to train.

  2. good point, i shall ponder this further.

  3. Snails...mutant snails...the mom is saying "gross."

    We hope he gets better soon! :-)

    P.S. LOL @ "Remember, the stupider humans are more docile and easier to train."

  4. Iz totly sprized hoomanz wud haz so many brainz, maybe your hooman iz/wuz braneeyer than ushual? Or maybe therez NO brainz an teh stuff that wuz holdin himz head together iz leeking owt like one of those balloonz!

  5. Yikes! You don't think his innards are dissolving and pouring out of his nose do you?

  6. MOL!!!
    We hope the male two leggers feels better soon!


  7. Cujo, according to theories of Newtonian physics, is it possible your two-legged is actually pooping out of his nose to prove Newton wrong?

  8. I am not sure plugging up the S'not nose is a good idea. If it doesn't come out, and there's as much in there as you say, he might explode. Then you'd have a bigger mess to clean up. Just a thought.