Monday, January 30, 2012

Circus of The Scars

Yesterday morning, the two leggers got up early. This was unexpected given that it was a Sunday and they NEVER get up early on Sundays.

It is simply not done.

After listening to them talking amongst themselves, I grew to understand that they were planning to spend the day in Seattle watching something called "Cavalia".

Having seen several commercials for "Cavalia" on the talking box thingy, I was enthusiastically unimpressed.

According to the ads, Cavalia is "Cirque Du Soliel with horses". The advertisements showed two leggers jumping about and horse thingies cavorting in what Birkenstock wearing types would consider an artistic manner. Strange music featuring a female singing "Ahhhhh, aaaaaaahhhh, aaahhhhhaaaahhh" to the sound of a rhino engaging in childbirth was played in the background.

As they left, I thought to myself "Better them, than me". 

They returned about ten hours later.

They were exhausted, but could not stop talking about how "magical" the show was. They even bought a DVD thingy of the spectacle. They then proceeded to plug in the DVD thingy and watch it once again.

My high state of indifference quickly turned to slow burning annoyance.

The entire show consisted of two leggers running, leaping and flying around the stage. Horse thingies pranced, ran and allowed the two leggers to ride around and caper upon their backs.

I am confused.

On a daily basis, I somersault, flip and fly through the air. Though I will never allow a two legger (or anything else) to ride me, I can stand on my hind legs. Yet the two leggers felt compelled to drive to a foreign land, (Seattle) pay big money, (which would be better spent buying me new toys and catnip) and spend the morning standing in the rain in order to see this performance.

To prove my point, I have decided to choreograph my own version of "Cirque Du SoLame":

The curtain thingy rises. Ivan rises with it due to the fact that he has a claw snagged in it.

Backstage, I smack Tiger Lily causing her to emit the annoying "musical" soundtrack.

From stage left I enter at a dead run. I make a leap at the half wall that separates the living room from the dining room.

I stick the landing.

With arched back, I thread my way between the knock knacks, never disturbing them. I then turn and in a wink, knock each one off in a very artistic manner. Meanwhile, Jaq has entered the stage unnoticed and with a flourish slaps the broken pieces under the couch.

Ivan, having disentangled himself from the curtain, begins the "strength" segment of our show. Running at full speed, (in Ivan's case, "full speed" is slightly slower than grass growing) he "races"into the kitchen, misses the turn and slams headfirst into a cabinet causing an avalanche of crockery to fall to the floor. He poofs and exits stage left.

The soundtrack has quit whining by this time and I go backstage to smack her again.

For the finale, we perform the amazing synchronized poof, scatter and slam stunt. This is where Ivan, Jaq and I all .............poof,.......... scatter.........'re gonna love this................slam something!

The two leggers will laugh, they'll cry, they may even scream.

It will leave them speechless. Perhaps not scream-less, but definitely speechless.

It is truly breathtaking.

And we offer free admission.


  1. We'd like to reserve 13 cat seats, and one two-legger, for the premiere!

  2. 23 seats please! Me, Mom, & indoor & outdoor kitties!

  3. 3 seats please : 1 superior ring-side cat seat for myself, 1 totally inferior and near the litter-box seat for the human, and 1 seat for the zombie. This last one could prove challenging. THe zombie ranks highly in our unconventional family, so he'd like a seat with a good view of the specatcular antics on show, but one that is also in close proximity to the humans so he has easy access to snacks while watching.

    Cujo, your writing will surely join the pantheon of great writers: Sophoclaws, Herodopuss, Euripawdes and Archimeowdes.

    With malice aforethought
    Evil Elmo

  4. some times what you are looking for is right in your own back yard! To think they wouldn't have to drive so far, be gone 10 hrs and PAY for such wonderful entertainment right at home!

  5. Wowwie! Yous described it so well me could see it in my head! Me needs to try this!
    kisses Nellie

  6. Free you're talking, Cujo!!

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