Thursday, January 26, 2012

Time and Punishment

My two leggers annoy me.

Sure, they feed me and worship me when forced to, but they still annoy me.

One of the most annoying things about my two leggers is their obsession with time.

Everything that they do is dictated by time.

They have a clock thingy in every single room in my house. Living room, kitchen, dining room, computer typey thingy room, and bathrooms. They even have a sundial in the back yard. (I live in the Pacific Northwest. So it is correct for about three hours every other year.) They keep no fewer than three alarm clock thingies in their bedroom. One to wake them in the morning, one to serve as a backup in case the first one doesn't work, and a third to wake them in case the first two fail. I suspect they also have a fourth one for use in the event that a burglar comes and steals the other three. Everywhere you look in my house there is a reminder that they must be running late for something.

Why do they need so many clock thingies?

I do not know.

We feline types consider clock thingies redundant.

When we are hungry, it is time to eat.
When we are drowsy, it is time to sleep.
When we spot something breakable, it is time to break it.
When we see a closed door, it is time for a two legger to open it.
When Ivan uses the litterbox, it is time to stop breathing.
When we wish to be petted, it is time for the two leggers to offer us worship.
When a two legger wishes to pet us, it is time to snub them and treat them with disdain.
When Tiger Lily whines, it is time to smack her.
When Tiger Lily doesn't whine, it is time to smack her.

But, given the importance that they seem to place in the clock thingies, I realize that there may be an opportunity here.

All of the clock thingies are set for the exact same time. (except the one on the microwave that has been blinking 12:00 for the last two years) What would happen if one or more of them suddenly decided to march to the beat of a different ticker?

With this in mind, I formulated my plan.

I began with the bedroom. All the clock thingies in the bedroom are of the "digital" variety. Two leggers believe that anything "digital" is more modern and subsequently more accurate. "Digital" also signifies buttons. This means the lack of opposable thumbs is not a factor.  By walking on the clock thingies while the two leggers sleep, I discovered that I could make the numbers change.

This morning sweet chaos ensued. The two leggers woke up at the crack of eight. They erupted  into a panic of flying clothes and shaking clocks. In record time, they were out the door and screeching tires announced their departure.

Upon their return, they changed the batteries in all the clock thingies and reset them. Little did they know, Ivan and I had been busy during the day moving the hands on the all the other clock thingies back one half hour.

Tomorrow promises to be almost as much fun.


  1. ooooooh! Cujo, we'd love to be there. To watch.

  2. Brilliant!!! What more can I say, Master!

  3. What a wonderfully evil plot! Me shall has to see if me can get Kozmo to help me with this! Me can see it now....
    Yous ROCKS!

  4. OMG this was fantastic! Your two-leggers sound like mine. Our male two-legger has to show up a half hour early to every event. Both of my two-leggers also have multiple backup clocks. This was pure genius!

  5. Hmmm, clocks in the BATHROOM???! I really wish my mind hadn't gone there....

    You truly speak the truth regarding cat-time. Whenever we want to do something, it is time for it.

    When I want to swipe at the human's feet, it is time to swipe. When I want to hog the entire bed, it is time to hog (why hogs, I wonder? I thought hogs flew, and decrepit mangy dogs lay?)

    And when it is time for world domination, it is Tuesday. hahaha, not really. That time's a secret!!!

    And to the Katnip Lounge - mol!! ROFSMBFT!!
    (rolling on floor showing my beautiful floofy tum)

    With malice aforethought
    Evil Elmo