De-lighted

I must be slowing down.

I came to this conclusion yesterday while pondering the snow outside my house.

For the last three days, I have been subjected to the constant presence of my two leggers. My kingdom has been "snowed-in" and the two leggers have been unable to go wherever it is that they go most days.

Thus their company has been forced upon me.

At first I was amused. There was always a warm lap to lounge upon. The firebox thingy has been burning non-stop. Treats have been abundant. Everything has been peaceful and serene. This made me come to a realization:

I don't do peaceful and serene.

However, the two leggers seemed to notice my tranquility. This caused them to grow suspicious and they increased their vigilance. They began to keep a water squirty thingy handy whenever I was in the room. They moved all fragile knock knacks to areas beyond my reach. I suspect they may have even installed hidden camera thingies.

To counter their scrutiny, I sent Ivan into their bathroom to make noise and serve as a distraction. I believe this may have worked if Ivan had not found a Q-tip and spent the next two hours trying to make it talk. (He later named it George and is planning to raise it as his own)

So, I pondered.

A few hours later when the lights flickered, (The male said this was due to frozen power lines) it occurred to me.

The lights! I literally had a light bulb moment!

I used to make it a point to destroy a lamp at least every three months. This gave me an average of four lamps per year. Just enough to cause chaos, but not enough to force the two leggers to invest in wall sconces.

As I looked around my kingdom, I realized that every lamp in my house was at least six months old. In "light years", they could be considered geriatric. How could I have been so lax?

Though I could see my mission, I still had a major obstacle to overcome.......the two leggers. At first I believed I could lull them into a sense of complacency. I put on my best "cute lil kitty" act. Chittering at the bird thingies outside, purring contentedly as I lay on my throne in front of the firebox thingy. Occasionally playing with Beebo (my catnip mousie thingy). But as time went on, their paranoia only increased. It was time to up the ante.

I began wandering around all the tables that held lamps. Gently rubbing against each one, I found two likely candidates that seemed to tip with the least amount of effort. The two leggers seemed to notice my activities and stepped up their scrutiny of my actions.

Little did they know that this was a ploy.

I had already chosen the condemned lamp(s). In my hallway, there is a long, narrow table. Upon this this long narrow table, there sits an even longer, narrower piece of material called a "runner". (I don't know why they call it a runner, it seldom moves and never runs) Upon the runner sit two decorative lamps  and various family pictures. I suspected that if one, such as myself, were to snag a claw in one end of this "runner", one such as myself, could then run down the hallway pulling the entire contents of the table behind them. This action would cause both lamps and a several picture frames to interface with the hardwood floor.

Thus, my plan formulated, I jumped up on an end table and proceeded to cause a different lamp to teeter and almost fall. The male two legger immediately jumped up and attempted to spray me with the water squirty thingy. I, of course "panicked" and ran down the hallway, being careful to snag the runner in my "flight". Just as planned, the entire "runner" came with me and both lamps were utterly destroyed in the process. As a bonus, the female two legger then chastised the male for causing my panic and wave of destruction. The clean-up took hours.

Oh, "runner", now I understand.