Thursday, January 12, 2012

Let's Get Physical

Last night I found myself pondering my two leggers.

It occurs to me that they are aging.

The male turned 45 last May and the female celebrated her thirtieth birthday in July..........again.(She tends to celebrate her thirtieth birthday every July)

I have come to realize that they are not immortal. Someday, unless they start taking better care of themselves, one or both of them may suddenly reach a point where they will have to be put down. If this should occur before my plan to develop opposable thumbs (thus making them obsolete) comes to fruition, I would be greatly inconvenienced.

Hence, I have decided that it is in my best interest to keep them alive longer than I first anticipated.

It is my belief that they require exercise.

The female tends to take better care of herself than the male. She eats green stuff and tends to be more active than the hairy legged one. He considers a cheeseburger with lettuce and tomato "health food". Therefore I decided to focus more on him than her.

I have developed an exercise regimen for him. I will force him into a healthier lifestyle even if it kills him. However, I must be somewhat cagey and underhanded in implementing my plan. If he becomes aware that he is exercising, he may tend to panic and bolt. So I give you my plan:

Cujo's Two Legger Exercise Routine
Catnip Mousie Pushups: Every five minutes while playing in a playful manner, I bat my catnip mousie thingy under the entertainment center and then meow plaintively until the male rises from his chair, lays on the floor and reaches under the furniture and retrieves it for me in order to "get some damn peace and quiet". 

Whiny Cat Is Being Murdered Sprints: Once an hour, I sneak up on Tiger Lily (wherever she may be hiding) and commence to chewing on her head. This causes her to emit a blood curdling yowl, bringing the male running down the hallway at his top speed, screaming. This activity has the added benefit of exercising his lungs as well as his legs.

Immovable Object Lifts: This involves Ivan. Ivan proceeds to lay atop the button pushy thingy that controls the talking box thingy. This forces the male to lift Ivan's hefty bulk every time he wishes to change the channel. Ivan generally bites him each time this is attempted, so we all win.

Unidentified Sound Squats: I move to another room and begin making sounds that may or may not sound like something is about to break. This causes him to stand and listen, hearing nothing else, he sits down again. Wait 30 seconds and repeat.

Staredown Situps: I sit on the end table between him and the talking box thingy causing him to sit up in his chair every five seconds and yell "Down in front!".  Once again, this works his lungs as well as his abs.

Litterbox Lunges: I send Ivan into the litterbox every thirty minutes to pop a stinky. I do not require him to actually leave an offering. With Ivan, even an air biscuit will usually cause the male to jump up and grab the scooper.

With the daily implementation of this routine, I predict that we will have his body back in shape soon.

However, his blood pressure may require further attention.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. Cujo, How good of you to care for your two-leggers in such practical ways! I am impressed!

  2. LOL Sounds like Plan to MOI!!!Kudos Cujo!! You are the Master of the Ship Shape Thingy!! And all you survey! Your Minion who also needs to be whipped into shape..PEACE "G"

  3. Cujo! Yous Rocks!
    Me uses the hairball yack on my Mommy. Me yacks a hairball in a inaccessable location so she a) has to move something to gets at it b)has to crawl on her hands and knees to clean it up which c) involces the use of arm muscles to scrub the offending mess out of the carpet. Me has involved my hairy slobbery sister in this too. Whilst Mommy is on her hands and knees, Cinnamon thinks this is a great way to "play" and she leaps all around, over and under and trys to lick Mommy's face as she tries to clean the yack up before Cinnamon eats it!

  4. Toe biting (theirs) in bed is wonderful for activating the abdominals AND the adrenals.

  5. The human my zombie keeps around to gnaw on was watching the movie "Seabiscuit" yesterday - some silly movie about a horsey thingy who suffered from great depression. A waste of film that could and should have been used to film my floofy tum for 2 hours. Plus, they should either have medicated him for his depression or just shot him and sold him for glue for me to sniff.

    But, I did wonder what in hell a 'seabiscuit' was. Now, having heard your term 'air biscuit' to describe Ivan's butt-burp, I believe I am closer to understanding a 'seabiscuit'. Perhaps it's a butt-burp done in the pool? It certainly must be something like that, because it stank...the movie that is, although I am sure Ivan stank mightily also. Hmmm, is that movie "A Mighty Wind" about Ivan?

    The only joy I received from the movie was when the horsey thing and the human both shattered their legs. I thought surely they would both be put down and gleefully waited in anticipation. But nooooo, just soppiness and happiness and all those other yucky emotional 'iness-es'. I've got some 'iness-es' for them: suckiness, stinkiness and spew-up-iness.

    Keep up the carnage, Cujo.

    Evil Elmo
    Squire to Ded Ted, the zombie teddy bear.

  6. Tink/Carolyn and Lt. Glenna- Thank you! I shall continue to whip him into shape!
    Cat from Hell and Catnip Lounge- Thank you for your recommendations, I shall implement them immediately.
    Evil Elmo- Dude, we gotta hang out sometime :)