Flight of The Intruder

Today sweet chaos reigned.

The day started out peacefully enough. The sun was shining, the two leggers were going about their two legged business, (cleaning and rearranging furniture) Ivan was menacing a day old potato chip that had annoyed him by not running when he hissed at it. Tiger Lily was sleeping in a most irritating manner. Jaq was on two legger supervisory duty.

Very little was happening, so I decided that the sunbeam in the bay window required my attention and I lay down for an afternoon nap.

I awoke a short time later to the sound of two leggers screaming and the scrabble of scurrying paws in the hallway.

All three of my fellow felines were in a tizzy.

Not wanting to miss out on any potential mayhem, I decided to investigate. I surmised from Ivan's constant chittering, Jaq's squeaky "mowr mowr mowr" and Tiger Lily's signature Whompin Whine that they were in pursuit of something. Just as I rounded the corner leading to the hallway I was bowled over by the orange tubbiness known as Ivan. He didn't see me owing to the fact that he was totally focused on his prey.

What prey could have Ivan so oblivious that he didn't notice me approaching?

A fly thingy.

Not just any fly thingy.

THE fly thingy

A fly thingy so incredibly huge that it requires a flight plan.

In the feline brain, there are a few things that will override every iota of sanity that a cat may possess and drive them into a murderous frenzy. They are as follows:

1. String. Or anything that appears stringy, string-like, stringish or even slightly stringesque.
2. Anything that is small, hairy and emits squeaking sounds. (Especially teacup poodles)
3. Wads of paper. (I don't know why, I just accept it.)
4. Anything with feathers. This includes everything from hummingbirds to Las Vegas showgirls.
5. Red dots of light that move erratically.
6. Flying six leggers.

And most of all, fly thingies.

I decided to grant my minions the courtesy of attempting to slay the intruder first. It was only fair, they had discovered it, they get first shot.

Ivan attempted to perform a "flying shark thingy maneuver". This feat is accomplished by launching oneself through the air with jaws wide open and ears laid back catching the prey in one's open maw. However, Ivan has an intimate relationship with gravity and was only able to "launch" about seven inches.

The fly thingy actually chortled

Tiger Lily took several swings at the fly thingy until she remembered that she has no claws and settled for whining to the two leggers to swat the cursed thing.

Jaq attempted an ambush by concealing herself in the drapes and waiting for the prey to come to her. She was subverted  by the sunbeam and thrown into an instant power coma.

As usual, the slaying of the fly thingy fell to me.

I chased it for several minutes. From room to room, window to window, knocking over three picture frames, four glasses and something that I couldn't identify even when it was whole. Finally the fly flew into the bathroom and out the hole in the bathroom window screen from whence it had obviously entered my house in the first place.

I turned to find myself alone. The other three had tired of the chase long before.

Fortunately, there was still an old wing left from a fly I dispatched last week. I sauntered from the bathroom and made a great show of picking the wing out of my teeth. The others gazed at me in awe of my prowess.

Sometimes you gotta fake it when your fly is down.

Ancient Hiss-tory

My two leggers recently went to one of those places where they keep a bunch of really old stuff.

No, I am not referring to the hallway closet.

It is something called a "museum".

At this museum thingy, they learned about a group of two leggers that lived a very long time ago in a place called "Egypt". Fortunately, they brought home a book thingy. After taking a nap on the book thingy, I now consider myself an expert on all thingies Egyptonian.

I shall now share my knowledge and thoughts.

The Ancient Egyptonians lived in the years 4000-2000 BF (Before Facebook) They lived in a place that was so hot that they had to build huge stone buildings just to provide some form of shade. Their rulers were called "Pharoahs" and were considered gods by the unwashed masses. (Which was everyone because there was no water to wash with)

But here is the part that I find interesting:

The pharoahs worshiped cats. 

So let's do the math. Pharoahs (considered gods) worshiped cats.

You see where I'm going with this?

About two hundred years ago, British two leggers traveled to Egypt and started digging up every Egyptonian they could find. This is an activity that British two leggers seem to engage in whenever they find themselves running short of mountains to climb. They discovered many tombs while digging in the sand. Within these tombs they found statues dedicated to their feline betters. They found wall murals depicting rituals that honored Bast-et, the Egyptonian cat goddess. (Not to be confused with Bast-ard, the Roman god of dog thingies) They built temples dedicated to cats. They created elaborate masks and danced around probably scaring the bejeezus out of the temple chihuahuas.

Some two leggers theorize that the Egyptonians may have been ancient astronauts that came from an advanced civilization on a planet far away. Apparently they were in need of finding a litterbox for their space cats and found a land filled with sand that would never require scooping. Two leggers that believe this theory can usually be found on street corners wearing tin foil hats and yelling at telephone poles.

My personal theory is that the Egyptonians were simply the first two leggers in history to be subjugated by cats. Under feline leadership, they were able to build the first and longest lasting civilization in the ancient world.

Finally, I'd just like to add this final bit of evidence:

Every Egytptonian tomb ever discovered contained a deceased two legger wrapped in bandages.

They were obviously cat lovers.

Furlock Holmes

I awoke this morning to a mystery.

In the middle of the hallway floor I discovered a hairball containing 3.6 legs. Given their long, hairy intense creepiness, I recognized them as being the type that eight leggers are generally equipped with.

This annoyed me.  No, I was not particularly heart broken that another eight legger had met its doom. I was annoyed because eight leggers are reserved for the Royal diet unless otherwise authorized. I knew that I had not given permission to any of my minions to dine upon arachnids within the last twenty-four hours, therefore this was the obvious result of poaching.

The game was a-paw!

My first course of action was to ascertain the identity of the victim. Upon investigation, I found out that the bathroom spider was AWOL. (Absent With Out Legs) Now it was time to process the evidence. I called in our local CSI (Cat Spew Identifier), Ivan.

 Ivan approached the hairball and said "Hey Boss, a cat yakked in the hallway".

Given the fact that of the six beings that have access to my hallway, four of them are cats, and the others  are two leggers that rarely yak in the hallway, his powers of deduction were truly astounding.

I asked him to analyze the evidence.

He stared at me blankly.

I asked him to look at the ickies and tell me what it was made of.

He said it was made of hair and legs.

Realizing that any further questioning would only confuse Ivan and make him tired, I decided to interrogate the suspects. I was fully aware that Tiger Lily was locked in the computer room all night and therefore incapable of committing the spidercide, however, the thought of torturing her was too good to resist. I told her she had the right to remain silent, but also in all fairness informed her that it wouldn't matter. I Smacked her several times when she denied her involvement. She complained that she had been locked up all night and therefore had an alibi. I smacked her for not being a good witness and sent her scurrying for her pillow thingy.

Next I interviewed Jaq. Jaq informed me that she couldn't be the culprit due to the fact that she was a vegan and other than six leggers, mouse thingies, squirrel thingies, bunnies, lizards, bird thingies, tuna, chicken, ham, moths and moles, she never touched meat. It is hard to argue with her dedication to her vegan lifestyle, so I let her go.

By process of elimination, (ironically the same process that left the hairball in the first place) I came to the conclusion that Ivan must be perp thingy.

I called Ivan to my office. ( I don't really have an office per se, but it sounds better than "I called Ivan to the cardboard box I was playing in".)

In my most commanding voice I asked "Ivan, did you consume the arachnid?"

Ivan stared at me blankly.

"Ivan, did you munch the spider thingy?"

"Yup" was his reply.

As penance, I ordered him to go bite the male two legger on the foot.

Why would I order him to bite the two legger's foot?

Because "Confession is food for the sole".

The Cujo Commandments

DISCLAIMER THINGY:
Back in 2010, when my two leggers first convinced me to start this blog thingy, I did so under one condition: Religion and politics were off the table. No, not just off the table, they were off the table, shattered on the floor, swept under the rug thingy and never to be spoken of. It is not that I do not have my views and beliefs, it is the fact that my views and beliefs are deeply personal and this is not the forum in which to share them. This blog thingy is intended to be humorous and it is my experience that humor does poorly in religion just as religion does poorly in humor. That being said, the following post touches on certain religious tenets, but it is in no way to be considered a comment or criticism of anyone's religious beliefs.  However, if you find yourself offended and wish to vent your disappointment in me, please feel free to fire off a nasty e-mail to either of the following people:
Barack Obama
Mitt Romney

And now I present to you:

The Cujo Commandments

My two leggers recently watched a movie about an event in ancient two legger history. It was called "The Ten Commandments" and it revolved around a two legger named Moses who got put in a river, fished out of a river, raised by a royal family, denounced his foster family when he found his real family, sent some frog thingies and bugs to visit his old family,....etc.....suffice it to say that he caused a lot of chaos and mayhem in order to free his people.

All that simply does not interest me.

What got my attention was that he climbed a mountain and received a set of laws that proscribed how two leggers should behave. These laws were handed down by a higher power in order that the two leggers would better be able to live together in peace and harmony.  

This got me to pondering.  

I should lay down some commandment thingies too.

I'll admit, posting them in a blog thingy is not quite as impressive as carving them with lightning into stone tablets on the side of a mountain, but we all have to work with what we have. So here goes:

1. I am Cujo Cat. You will have no other Cujo Cat before me. If you find another Cujo Cat, give him catnip and send him packing.

2. I am a jealous cat and will not tolerate anyone not showing me attention in my presence.

3. Do not be vain, for in my presence you are nought but a distraction from my total awesomeness,

4. Remember the Sabbath for it is the day that the male two legger watches sports on the talking box thingy thereby providing me with opportunities to irritate him at will.

5. Honor your Mom and Dad for they resisted the temptation to take you out of the world that they brought you into.

6. You shall not kill. (Unless it is an eight legger, six legger, squirrel thingy, mousie thingy, bird thingy, small easily over-powered dog thingy, wineglass, vase, drapery, work of art, highly valued momento, knock knack....screw it, kill what you like, just make sure you have plausible deniability.) 

7. You shall not commit adultery. Or adolescentery, or kidditery. Basically, if it ends in "etery", don't do it.

8. Don't steal stuff. (Unless you are a cat, and then it all belongs to you anyway, so this commandment does not apply.)

9. Don't lie. (Once again, unless you are a cat, and then you may lie anywhere you wish. I particularly prefer window sills and anywhere the two leggers do not wish me to be.)

10. Do not covet your neighbors stuff. Coveting is a waste of time and energy. Just go smack them and take it from them while they are still dazed.

If you all follow my commandments, I am sure that we will all live in a happier, more harmonious society.

The Mancub (Part 2)

Okay, just a quick recap of what has happened so far in the epic saga of  "Us vs. The Mancub":

Mancub-0
Superior Intellect and Planning-1

Day 4 continued:

After utterly confusing his young mind, I spent the rest of the day plotting. Thus far, we had lulled the Mancub into a false sense of security. Though our little vanishing act had perplexed the youngling, we had done nothing to justify the Cub's wariness.

Yet.

I determined that it was not enough to simply confound the lad, it was time to instill some fear. We would begin a campaign to slowly terrorize him over the next few days. We would start small and build to a crescendo of bloodletting that would someday be immortalized in one of those bad movie thingies that the male two legger enjoys watching on the talking box thingy on Saturday nights. You know the type, where the young two legger enters the darkened room from which an eerie noise can be heard. He enters despite the fact that every bit of common sense begs him not to. He enters despite the fact that everyone who watches the bad movie will be standing in front of their talking box thingies yelling "DON'T GO IN THERE YOU FOOL!".

Oh yes, there will be chaos.

The fifth day dawned with the Mancub arriving at his usual time. Jaq kept lookout at the bay window while Ivan and I hid. The Mancub entered the house and immediately went to the cupboard in which our food is kept. I allowed him to fill three bowls without incident.  As he began to pour food into my bowl, I leaped out and smacked the scoop thingy from his hand sending nuggets of food skittering across the hallway. The sound of skittering food nuggets caused Ivan to bolt from his hidey hole, tripping the Mancub and bringing him down with an almighty crash. Tiger Lily ran into the hallway and commenced to whining in a voice that caused the Mancub to stumble to his feet and beat a hasty retreat out the front door and to his car.

Day five- Successful.

For day six, I had planned to pull out all the stops. It has been more than six months since either the Fire or Police Departments (or Homeland Security) had been called to my house and I felt it was high time for another visitation.

Alas, it was not to be.

It seems that the Mancub had an agreement with my two leggers that he was to give us extra food on day five so that he would not be required to feed us on day six.

My plot was foiled.

I was not amused.

Fortunately, during the chaos of the fifth day, the Mancub accidentally dropped an envelope with his home address on it.

Due to my internet prowess,  he is now registered with 167 questionable charities, 53 political parties, 14 churches and officially off of the National Do Not Call Registry. I tried to sign him up for the Victoria's Secret Catalog, but he was apparently already a member.

The Mancub (Part 1)

I knew something was afoot.

Once again, the two leggers were casting furtive glances my way, speaking in hushed tones and behaving so conspicuously inconspicuous that a blind person wearing headphone thingies blasting Britney Spears' latest attempt at audio warfare would be alerted to their intentions.

Was there a vet thingy visit being plotted?

Were they planning to attempt to bathe me again?

Had they finally tired of Tiger Lily's whining and were trying to decide how to dispose of her in a manner that would appear to be an accident?

None of the above.

They were plotting an escape attempt.

I uncovered their plan when they carelessly left tickets for a cruise on my dining room table. It would seem that they had booked passage on a ship thingy headed for somewhere called "Alaska". According to the brochure, this Alaska is a faraway frozen land that is chock full of bears, eagles, whales, mountains, icebergs, mooses, mountain goat thingies and jewelry stores.

Given all the dangers of traveling by ship in iceberg infested waters where the weather can turn bad in a heartbeat casting their fragile vessel upon an unforgiving shore, in a frigid ocean that has claimed more lives than any other body of water on Earth, I found myself becoming truly concerned:

Who was going to feed me while they were gone?

My fears were alleviated when they introduced me to my substitute servant. He is a 19 year old two legger who works with my two leggers. They told me his name was Matthew, but I decided that his name should be "Mancub".

The first morning after my two leggers embarked upon their ill-advised journey, the mancub appeared clad in football pads, hockey gloves and a motorcycle helmet. It was apparent my two leggers had warned him about me thereby ruining my amusement for the day.

I immediately gave the signal to implement "Operation False Security". This is a tried and true method of convincing suspicious prey thingies that we are nothing more than sweet, loveable, innocent, harmless little kitty cats that only wish to love and be loved by all creatures everywhere. Ivan lay on his back across the living room carpet, softly snoring. Tiger lily sat upon the couch with an innocent look on her freakishly large face. Jaq performed a squeaky ballet, dancing around in small circles on her tiptoes as I sat upon my throne softly purring.

The Mancub entered through the front door, rolled twice and attempted to hide behind the corner of the couch. Though amused by his tactical entry, we maintained our charade and stared at him in bewilderment.  He then crawled across the floor to the pantry on his belly. Never taking his eyes off of us, he filled our food bowl, checked our drinking water, threw a smoke grenade, and disappeared into the dawning day.

The following day, the Mancub repeated his earlier performance, but I knew we were making progress when he opted not to use the smoke grenade.

On the third day, though he still wore the hockey gloves, he left the football pads and motorcycle helmet at home. He even scratched Ivan's ample tummy and called us all "good kitties".

I decided that he had become entirely too comfortable in our presence and it was time to rattle his cage.

On the fourth day, I determined that we would sit in the front bay window while the Mancub approached my house. As he fumbled with his key thingies, we vanished. Each of us retreated to a prearranged hidey hole and waited silently. I ordered Ivan to plug his ears so that he wouldn't hear the sound of food hitting the bottom of the food bowl and be tempted to reveal his hidey hole. Upon entering my house and finding no cats, the Mancub began a systematic search of my residence. After fruitlessly searching the entire house no fewer than three times, the first signs of panic set in. His eye began to twitch, he repeatedly called our names in an increasingly loud and plaintive voice. Just as he began thumbing through the emergency phone numbers, Ivan could resist no longer and appeared next to his food bowl. Since the game was up, I signaled Jaq and Tiger Lily to appear behind him. His panic was replaced by confusion as he wondered how he could have overlooked four full grown felines standing placidly in the middle of an empty hallway.

He left the house scratching his head thingy and mumbling to himself.

To Be Continued...

My 200th Post Thingy

I have decided that it has been far too long since I have tormented my minions with my poetry. Though it has been banned by 37 countries, 23 states, 478 counties, the Geneva Convention, 3 major religions and a public library in Central Kentucky,  I remain undaunted and fully intend to poetificate once again. So to commemorate my 200th post thingy I present you the following:

Ode To My Blog Thingy

It has been two years 

Since I started to speak.

Through my blog thingy

Week after week.

My thoughts I have offered,

To each one of you,

Now after so many,

It's time to review.

So many subjects,

So little time,

From the  totally outrageous,

To the totally sublime.

I have spoken of amusements,

Of mysteries solved.

Of chaos and  mayhem

And theories evolved.

I have gained many minions,

From here to Timbuktu.

I met many friends,

As my fame grew

  

I've described many aspects,

Of my sweet life.

I've described the male two legger,

And his sweet wife.

I spoke of Bob,

The most admired of birds.

I described my hatred of squirrels,

In so many words. 

Oh, the deer thingies,

Such beautiful grace!

Of Tiger Lily's whining,

And her large mutant face.

Of eight leggers, six leggers,

Of Ivan and Jaq,

Of teacup poodle dogs

deserving a smack.

I've stalked my dust bunnies,

My tail all a-twitter,

I've told of the secrets,

Concealed in my litter.

The events of my life,

Those great and those small.

The sound of a knock knack,

Taking a fall.

You've heard my many theories,

About sports, about goats.

About hairballs in boots,

And cat hair on coats.

You've borne witness 

To the chaos I cause.

You've seen the lethality,

And the power of my paws.

I never imagined,

We could have such a run.

We've met such great people,

We've had so much fun.

Ivan, Tiger, Jaq and I,
We owe you such gratitude,
For coming by each week,
And reading of our catitude.

As many of you know, I originally started my blog thingy with the expectation that I would post 15-20 times and then watch it die a slow quiet death. In my wildest dreams I never expected to be writing a poem for my 200th post, not to mention having a FB fanclub and successful book thingy.
I am currently in the process of editing the second book thingy which I hope to be released later this Summer.

I would like to say in closing that I am deeply humbled (okay, humility is really not my thing, but you get my point) and appreciative for all the support and comments that I have received during this journey. 

During the month of May, I will be taking some time off to rest my paws and recharge my mental battery thingies. I will still be active on Facebook though at a somewhat reduced pace. I may post some in this format, but not as often. That being said, please rest assured that my adventures will continue. Stay tuned for more chaos.

Once again, Ivan, Tiger Lily, Jaq, Bob and the entire Dunn clan send our regards and thanks to all who have invited us into your homes and computer thingies.