Friday, June 22, 2012

Ancient Hiss-tory

My two leggers recently went to one of those places where they keep a bunch of really old stuff.

No, I am not referring to the hallway closet.

It is something called a "museum".

At this museum thingy, they learned about a group of two leggers that lived a very long time ago in a place called "Egypt". Fortunately, they brought home a book thingy. After taking a nap on the book thingy, I now consider myself an expert on all thingies Egyptonian.

I shall now share my knowledge and thoughts.

The Ancient Egyptonians lived in the years 4000-2000 BF (Before Facebook) They lived in a place that was so hot that they had to build huge stone buildings just to provide some form of shade. Their rulers were called "Pharoahs" and were considered gods by the unwashed masses. (Which was everyone because there was no water to wash with)

But here is the part that I find interesting:

The pharoahs worshiped cats. 

So let's do the math. Pharoahs (considered gods) worshiped cats.

You see where I'm going with this?

About two hundred years ago, British two leggers traveled to Egypt and started digging up every Egyptonian they could find. This is an activity that British two leggers seem to engage in whenever they find themselves running short of mountains to climb. They discovered many tombs while digging in the sand. Within these tombs they found statues dedicated to their feline betters. They found wall murals depicting rituals that honored Bast-et, the Egyptonian cat goddess. (Not to be confused with Bast-ard, the Roman god of dog thingies) They built temples dedicated to cats. They created elaborate masks and danced around probably scaring the bejeezus out of the temple chihuahuas.

Some two leggers theorize that the Egyptonians may have been ancient astronauts that came from an advanced civilization on a planet far away. Apparently they were in need of finding a litterbox for their space cats and found a land filled with sand that would never require scooping. Two leggers that believe this theory can usually be found on street corners wearing tin foil hats and yelling at telephone poles.

My personal theory is that the Egyptonians were simply the first two leggers in history to be subjugated by cats. Under feline leadership, they were able to build the first and longest lasting civilization in the ancient world.

Finally, I'd just like to add this final bit of evidence:

Every Egytptonian tomb ever discovered contained a deceased two legger wrapped in bandages.

They were obviously cat lovers.


  1. well that sounds logical!! you are one smart kitty

  2. Hahaha! Bast-ard the dog thingy was a stroke of feline genius and I ADORE your litter box theory - it made me laugh so hard I had to actually use the litter box!
    Also makes me wonder if the so-called "curse" of the mummies when tombs are opened is actually the odour caused by the remnants of haz-mat cats' toxic butts,
    à la Ivans infamous stink bombs!

    My favourite Egyptonians are Neferkitti and Cleocatra - fierce ladies! mrwwwwoah!

    I sphinx, therefore I am
    Evil Elmo

  3. LOL! 4000-2000 BF (Before FaceBook)
    Another Scratch of Genius, Commonster Cujo!!!

  4. Oh Wait...1 more thought! Maybe that should read 4000-2000 BC (Before Cujo) :D

  5. Woo! Hoo! Me knew it! Now yous has given mes proof!

  6. So funny they scared the Beetle-Juice out of them.

  7. MOL, this is teh bestest article i's eber read. that must have been some nap, you certainly is a expert now.