Sunday, July 1, 2012

Flight of The Intruder

Today sweet chaos reigned.

The day started out peacefully enough. The sun was shining, the two leggers were going about their two legged business, (cleaning and rearranging furniture) Ivan was menacing a day old potato chip that had annoyed him by not running when he hissed at it. Tiger Lily was sleeping in a most irritating manner. Jaq was on two legger supervisory duty.

Very little was happening, so I decided that the sunbeam in the bay window required my attention and I lay down for an afternoon nap.

I awoke a short time later to the sound of two leggers screaming and the scrabble of scurrying paws in the hallway.

All three of my fellow felines were in a tizzy.

Not wanting to miss out on any potential mayhem, I decided to investigate. I surmised from Ivan's constant chittering, Jaq's squeaky "mowr mowr mowr" and Tiger Lily's signature Whompin Whine that they were in pursuit of something. Just as I rounded the corner leading to the hallway I was bowled over by the orange tubbiness known as Ivan. He didn't see me owing to the fact that he was totally focused on his prey.

What prey could have Ivan so oblivious that he didn't notice me approaching?

A fly thingy.

Not just any fly thingy.

THE fly thingy

A fly thingy so incredibly huge that it requires a flight plan.

In the feline brain, there are a few things that will override every iota of sanity that a cat may possess and drive them into a murderous frenzy. They are as follows:

1. String. Or anything that appears stringy, string-like, stringish or even slightly stringesque.
2. Anything that is small, hairy and emits squeaking sounds. (Especially teacup poodles)
3. Wads of paper. (I don't know why, I just accept it.)
4. Anything with feathers. This includes everything from hummingbirds to Las Vegas showgirls.
5. Red dots of light that move erratically.
6. Flying six leggers.

And most of all, fly thingies.

I decided to grant my minions the courtesy of attempting to slay the intruder first. It was only fair, they had discovered it, they get first shot.

Ivan attempted to perform a "flying shark thingy maneuver". This feat is accomplished by launching oneself through the air with jaws wide open and ears laid back catching the prey in one's open maw. However, Ivan has an intimate relationship with gravity and was only able to "launch" about seven inches.

The fly thingy actually chortled

Tiger Lily took several swings at the fly thingy until she remembered that she has no claws and settled for whining to the two leggers to swat the cursed thing.

Jaq attempted an ambush by concealing herself in the drapes and waiting for the prey to come to her. She was subverted  by the sunbeam and thrown into an instant power coma.

As usual, the slaying of the fly thingy fell to me.

I chased it for several minutes. From room to room, window to window, knocking over three picture frames, four glasses and something that I couldn't identify even when it was whole. Finally the fly flew into the bathroom and out the hole in the bathroom window screen from whence it had obviously entered my house in the first place.

I turned to find myself alone. The other three had tired of the chase long before.

Fortunately, there was still an old wing left from a fly I dispatched last week. I sauntered from the bathroom and made a great show of picking the wing out of my teeth. The others gazed at me in awe of my prowess.

Sometimes you gotta fake it when your fly is down.


  1. Such wonderful subterfuge, Commonster!! Your secret is safe with me!!! ( still
    L O L @ the fly chortling)_yours truly *G*

  2. mom would like to know if you work out of town jobs. we gets those and she mutters something about 7 predators and not one of them can catch a fly...... we have no idea what she is talking about. :)

  3. Sunbeam stricken coma hahahaha! And the list of murderous frency inducing items is spot on. Another great post, Cujo!

    Evil Elmo