Sunday, June 10, 2012

The Cujo Commandments

Back in 2010, when my two leggers first convinced me to start this blog thingy, I did so under one condition: Religion and politics were off the table. No, not just off the table, they were off the table, shattered on the floor, swept under the rug thingy and never to be spoken of. It is not that I do not have my views and beliefs, it is the fact that my views and beliefs are deeply personal and this is not the forum in which to share them. This blog thingy is intended to be humorous and it is my experience that humor does poorly in religion just as religion does poorly in humor. That being said, the following post touches on certain religious tenets, but it is in no way to be considered a comment or criticism of anyone's religious beliefs.  However, if you find yourself offended and wish to vent your disappointment in me, please feel free to fire off a nasty e-mail to either of the following people:
Barack Obama
Mitt Romney

And now I present to you:

The Cujo Commandments

My two leggers recently watched a movie about an event in ancient two legger history. It was called "The Ten Commandments" and it revolved around a two legger named Moses who got put in a river, fished out of a river, raised by a royal family, denounced his foster family when he found his real family, sent some frog thingies and bugs to visit his old family,....etc.....suffice it to say that he caused a lot of chaos and mayhem in order to free his people.

All that simply does not interest me.

What got my attention was that he climbed a mountain and received a set of laws that proscribed how two leggers should behave. These laws were handed down by a higher power in order that the two leggers would better be able to live together in peace and harmony.  

This got me to pondering.  

I should lay down some commandment thingies too.

I'll admit, posting them in a blog thingy is not quite as impressive as carving them with lightning into stone tablets on the side of a mountain, but we all have to work with what we have. So here goes:

1. I am Cujo Cat. You will have no other Cujo Cat before me. If you find another Cujo Cat, give him catnip and send him packing.

2. I am a jealous cat and will not tolerate anyone not showing me attention in my presence.

3. Do not be vain, for in my presence you are nought but a distraction from my total awesomeness,

4. Remember the Sabbath for it is the day that the male two legger watches sports on the talking box thingy thereby providing me with opportunities to irritate him at will.

5. Honor your Mom and Dad for they resisted the temptation to take you out of the world that they brought you into.

6. You shall not kill. (Unless it is an eight legger, six legger, squirrel thingy, mousie thingy, bird thingy, small easily over-powered dog thingy, wineglass, vase, drapery, work of art, highly valued momento, knock knack....screw it, kill what you like, just make sure you have plausible deniability.) 

7. You shall not commit adultery. Or adolescentery, or kidditery. Basically, if it ends in "etery", don't do it.

8. Don't steal stuff. (Unless you are a cat, and then it all belongs to you anyway, so this commandment does not apply.)

9. Don't lie. (Once again, unless you are a cat, and then you may lie anywhere you wish. I particularly prefer window sills and anywhere the two leggers do not wish me to be.)

10. Do not covet your neighbors stuff. Coveting is a waste of time and energy. Just go smack them and take it from them while they are still dazed.

If you all follow my commandments, I am sure that we will all live in a happier, more harmonious society.


  1. I Bow Down in your presence, Oh Great Commonster Cujonator, creator of all Cat Commandment Thingys and Ruler of the Freeline World!!!

  2. Oh Wow! Can me copy these and put Penelope Cat from Hell where yous has Cujo and posts them for my pawrents?

    1. Nellie, as my trusted friend and fellow feline dictator, you are always welcome to copy anything you find here :)

  3. Let there be....CUJO!!! Pawsome work, deity dude. Particularly love #10. And behold, the power of His smacking paw was mighty!!

    I have my own views on religion. I reside with a zombie teddy bear, and he says that Jesus was a zombie; all that stuff about eating flesh and drinking blood. Or maybe he was a vampire, but they're nowhere near as cool (especially that lame sparkly douche-Edward).

    I worship your witty words. Is it time for confession? I have a LOT of sins!! mwuhaha hahaha mwuhahahahahaha

    With malice and holy chalice aforethought
    Evil Elmo

    1. BWAHAHAHAAA!!!! Elmo, you kill me! You need your own blog thingy. If you ever decide to start one, please send me the link. I will be a most avid reader!

    2. If I had any modesty I would blush.....or wear clothes! Thanks Cujo, means a lot coming from your awesomeness.
      I am truly a rabid um, AVID reader of yours!

      Evil Elmo

  4. Our Mommy is rather grateful HER Mom and Dad did not "take her out". Even though she certainly deserved it.

    1. My two legger (male type) feels the same way

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  6. I'll remember your word thingys and keep them holy.