Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Furlock Holmes

I awoke this morning to a mystery.

In the middle of the hallway floor I discovered a hairball containing 3.6 legs. Given their long, hairy intense creepiness, I recognized them as being the type that eight leggers are generally equipped with.

This annoyed me.  No, I was not particularly heart broken that another eight legger had met its doom. I was annoyed because eight leggers are reserved for the Royal diet unless otherwise authorized. I knew that I had not given permission to any of my minions to dine upon arachnids within the last twenty-four hours, therefore this was the obvious result of poaching.

The game was a-paw!

My first course of action was to ascertain the identity of the victim. Upon investigation, I found out that the bathroom spider was AWOL. (Absent With Out Legs) Now it was time to process the evidence. I called in our local CSI (Cat Spew Identifier), Ivan.

 Ivan approached the hairball and said "Hey Boss, a cat yakked in the hallway".

Given the fact that of the six beings that have access to my hallway, four of them are cats, and the others  are two leggers that rarely yak in the hallway, his powers of deduction were truly astounding.

I asked him to analyze the evidence.

He stared at me blankly.

I asked him to look at the ickies and tell me what it was made of.

He said it was made of hair and legs.

Realizing that any further questioning would only confuse Ivan and make him tired, I decided to interrogate the suspects. I was fully aware that Tiger Lily was locked in the computer room all night and therefore incapable of committing the spidercide, however, the thought of torturing her was too good to resist. I told her she had the right to remain silent, but also in all fairness informed her that it wouldn't matter. I Smacked her several times when she denied her involvement. She complained that she had been locked up all night and therefore had an alibi. I smacked her for not being a good witness and sent her scurrying for her pillow thingy.

Next I interviewed Jaq. Jaq informed me that she couldn't be the culprit due to the fact that she was a vegan and other than six leggers, mouse thingies, squirrel thingies, bunnies, lizards, bird thingies, tuna, chicken, ham, moths and moles, she never touched meat. It is hard to argue with her dedication to her vegan lifestyle, so I let her go.

By process of elimination, (ironically the same process that left the hairball in the first place) I came to the conclusion that Ivan must be perp thingy.

I called Ivan to my office. ( I don't really have an office per se, but it sounds better than "I called Ivan to the cardboard box I was playing in".)

In my most commanding voice I asked "Ivan, did you consume the arachnid?"

Ivan stared at me blankly.

"Ivan, did you munch the spider thingy?"

"Yup" was his reply.

As penance, I ordered him to go bite the male two legger on the foot.

Why would I order him to bite the two legger's foot?

Because "Confession is food for the sole".


  1. Very cute cousin ,next book try and save one for old TJ would please,I it would be nice to hear from you,I miss seeing you around your old pal TJ.And an very nice start ,keep going ,I see your pretty good there son,lolTJ

  2. Ivan the Spider Muncher. Ha! Another Brilliant CSI (Cujo-Science Instigation) Caper!

  3. Hmm, the curious incident of the cat in the nighttime!
    Pure brilliance, Cujo!! There is clearly no combination of events for which the wit of Cujo cannot conceive an explanation. (to paraphrase the infamous SH).

    AWOL & CSI cracked me up. Brilliant presentation of the case; very Holmes-esque. What a wonderful, intelligent and witty piece! And I think perhaps Jaq hasn't quite fully grasped the true nature of Vegan-ism...!

    As for me, thankfully I have not yet had a yak which contained visible legs....*shudder*. There have been leaves, ribbons, small poodle-like creatures, but no spidery legs!

    Thanks again for the laughs.l Can't wait for your next investigation, dear Furlock!

    With malice aforethought
    Evil Elmo