Thursday, January 24, 2013

Smack of Ages

As you are all aware, my male two legger is a huge fan of really bad science fiction. He often stays up into the wee hours watching a myriad of mutant creatures destroying someplace called "Tokyo". I am unsure why Tokyo enrages mutant creatures, but every time there is a nuclear accident in the world, some giant lizard thingy, or moth thingy, or gerbil thingy suddenly takes a great disliking to sushi and kubuki and levels the place.

Anyway, the male stayed up late last night watching Tokyo take it in the shorts again. He fell asleep just as the little nerdy scientist invented a thingamabob and saved the city to die another day. He awoke four hours later after sleeping through another movie in which a two legger invents a time machine thingy and once again saves the world from something or other.

The thing that makes this blog-worthy is that during all this time, I was napping. Shortly after the two legger dragged his carcass to bed, I felt the need to visit the Royal Litter. As I stepped into the Royal Litter Box, I realized that it had somehow changed. Within the Royal Litter Box, I discovered several dials and button thingies and a large display on the lid that showed the current date. Never one to ignore an opportunity to push buttons, I punched the nearest button thingy and felt the box begin to shake. When the shaking stopped, I noticed the display on the lid had changed. Where it once showed today's date, it now read "6-14-2006".

As I stepped out the box, I found that I had been transported to different house. Across the room, I spied a female gray tabby nursing several kittens. However, one kitten had an abnormally large face and was not nursing at all. It was sitting in the corner complaining that it hated milk and preferred bottled water. I immediately recognized this younger version of Tiger Lily. Now the date display thingy made sense. Somehow, the Royal Litter Box had been converted to a time machine thingy and I had been unwittingly transported to Tiger Lily's kittenhood.

Now I know what you are thinking, but I would never smack a kitten no matter how annoying they are or will be.

I smacked her mother.


I climbed  back into the Royal Litter Box/time machine thingy and punched another button.

As the shaking stopped, the display on the lid read "2-23-2007". Once again, I found myself in a different room in a different house. The lights were flickering and I smelled the distinct odor of singed fur. I found the source of the odor in the adjoining hallway. A smallish, smoking, malformed orange tabby kitten was busily licking an electrical socket. Every time he'd lick, the small sparks would leap out, the lights flickered and he'd utter a soft "huhuhuhuhuh".

"Why are you licking that?" I inquired.

"Sneezelflurb rarfnar grungeetan buggindob" he replied.

After the numbness in his mouth abated, he told me that he'd been feeling tired lately and his littermates had convinced him that the socket thingy was a great source of energy and that if he licked it, he'd be shocked at how well it worked. 

I suspected that the large, convulsing multi-colored mass of giggling fur in the corner might be the littermates in question. Though I respect the chaos they were causing, I am the only one allowed to abuse Ivan. However, I reiterate, I refuse to smack kittens. So after giving them a stern glaring, I climbed back into my time machine thingy, punched a button, went back in time and smacked Tiger Lily's mother.

Next, I traveled to "12-4-2006". Here, I found Mini-Jaq. I knew it was Jaq because she was hiding in a Pop-Tart box singing nursery rhymes. This bored me and I decided to return to my own time (with a stop along the way to smack Tiger Lily's mother).

I must have fallen asleep on the way back because when I awoke, I found myself on my throne in front of the firebox thingy. The house was dark and all my minions were sleeping peacefully. I decided to take one more trip in my time machine thingy, but as I entered the Royal Litter Box, I discovered that there were no button thingies. The date display was gone. And suddenly it occurred to me that the whole episode was nothing but a catnip-induced dream thingy.

Disappointed, I did what anyone in my position would do.

I smacked Tiger Lily.


  1. L O L and then some more L's!!! This is a masterpiece!! Keep them coming, Cujo!!

  2. I LUV this: "Why are you licking that?" I inquired.

    "Sneezelflurb rarfnar grungeetan buggindob" he replied.

  3. Kujo! Me laughed so hard, me falled off the sofa. Kozmo looked at me and asked why me was laughing and not having any scruples, me smacked him!
    Keep them coming