Sunday, January 27, 2013

All Shook Up

Sunday night, we had an earthquake thingy.

It was a small inconsequential quake, nothing like the quake that occurred  in New Zealand back in February of 2011 from which many of my minions are still recovering, but it was an earthquake thingy none the less.

At first, I thought it was Ivan's tummy rumbling because he hadn't eaten in the last 30 minutes. But I was mistaken.

It was around 1am and all was quiet in my kingdom. The male two legger was taking his evening soak while reading a book thingy. The female two legger was already asleep, a sweet smile on her innocent face, probably dreaming of frolicking bunnies and unicorns. Tiger Lily was sprawled upon one of the heating registers whining that the temperature was at least .0073 degrees too cold. Jaq was no where to be seen, but I could hear the faint strains of Brahm's Lullaby issuing from an open drawer in the guest bedroom. Ivan was once again glaring at the knob on the entertainment center that he suspected of mocking him when his back was turned. And I was on my throne, soaking up the last bit of warmth that was radiating from the now dormant firebox thingy.

At 1:11am, I heard a deep rumbling and the entire house shook for about five seconds. It was a mild shaking, almost a rolling sensation. In spite of the fact that nothing broke, I was amused. Both Tiger Lily and Jaq poofed, then found hidey holes until they were sure it was over.  Ivan immediately chomped the knob in question and attempted to chew it into submission until the shaking stopped. The female two legger continued her peaceful slumber completely unaware of the chaos ensuing around her.

However, the male two legger came bursting out of the bathroom, dripping water and clutching a towel around his blindingly white torso. The first thing he did was ask "Was that an earthquake?". This question greatly amused me, I wonder what his reaction would have been if I had answered "Why yes oh Pale One, it most certainly was. Given that I am an animal and therefore rumored to be more in tune with nature, I assure you that was an earthquake of 3.9 magnitude, originating approximately 10 miles northeast of here at a depth of 2.79 miles." Imagine the look on his face thingy had I replied!

Instead, I simply glared at him and said "Mwow".*

*TRANSLATION- "You realize that I am a cat and therefore unable to answer your idiotic question in a form your smallish brain may comprehend, therefore I advise you to please clothe yourself, go to bed and watch the news in the morning. Now leave my presence, I need a nap."

After pondering this incident, I have reached a conclusion: Two leggers are completely ill-equipped for dealing with such occurrences. Therefore, based on my observations, I will now write down some guidelines to be followed by two leggers in case an earthquake thingy should happen again:


1. Make a list of items to be included in an "earthquake kit". These items should include such things as bottled water, 25 cases of tuna (for your cats) some non-perishable two legger food, several pounds of catnip, spare batteries, an alternate heat source....etc.
2. Buy two or three items from the list to make yourself feel like you are being proactive and hide them somewhere that you will soon forget.

3. Brag to other two leggers that you are making an "earthquake kit", and will never be caught unprepared.

4. Completely forget about the "earthquake kit" until the next small quake hits and reminds you to repeat steps 1-3.

Once The Earthquake Starts

1. Once the earthquake hits, all two leggers are required to run around and ask other two leggers "Was that an earthquake?'. 

2. Once they have confirmed that it was indeed an earthquake, They will generally begin to call all their friends and acquaintances and inform them about exactly where they were and what they were doing when the confirmed earthquake thingy occurred.

3. Finally, they are requested to log on to FaceBook and ensure all their friends that they survived the 3.1 magnitude quake that only disturbed four seagulls and startled a goat.

Earthquake Detection

Earthquakes happen every day all over the world. They are detected by teams of "geeologists". In small rooms at strategically placed locations, the geeologists sit and when the room suddenly moves, they look at each other and say "Gee, I think that was an earthquake!" If one or more geeologist concurs, they call another group of scientists known as "sizemologists". The sizemologists then determine the size and location of the quake thingy after calling all their friends and telling them where they were and what they were doing when the geeologists called them.   

It is often believed that animals can detect an impending earthquake thingy. Many in the scientific community theorize that earthquakes are often preceded by the barking of dog thingies, or by the sudden flight of flocks of bird thingies. However, many in the cat community realize that dogs bark and birds fly and are therefore unimpressed with such drivel.

Though the scientists have yet to request my services, I believe I have the answer to predicting earthquake thingies:

At some point in the near or distant future, either a very strong, or very weak, or intermediate earthquake will occur somewhere on earth. 

All they had to do was ask.


  1. LOL! I really liked: "Once the earthquake hits, all two leggers are required to run around and ask other two leggers 'Was that an earthquake?'". and I especially liked: "Was that an earthquake?". Brilliant suggestions for the 2 leggers, BTW. :D

  2. "completely forget about the earthquake kit til another quake hits" sounds about right! Thank goodness it wasn't a "biggie!!"

  3. Oh Cujo! Yous made my Mommy laugh so hard, the koolaid she was drinking came out her nose!

    1. Two leggers are so cute when they blow liquids through their noses! I'm so glad I amused her.
      Headbonkers to you Miss Nellie!

  4. Humans aren't so bright, are they? They last earthquake we remember here happened a few years ago. It originated in Illinois but we felt it all the way in Louisville, KY! We are glad you didn't have a bad earth shaker! And we love your blog! Come visit ours sometime (although it's not as funny as yours!).