Monday, January 7, 2013

Educating The Masses

I have been pondering and I feel that it is time that I take action.

As many of you know, I spend a bit of time on The Zuckerburger's FaceBook thingy. I chat with minions, play games with minions and enjoy posting snide comments on the timelines of dogs and squirrel thingies. Aside from my FaceBook fan club, I also follow several groups dedicated to cats and those enslaved by cats.

However, I have begun to notice a certain disturbing trend emerging from these feline based groups. Two leggers have started bragging about how sweet, caring and well-behaved their cats are. They share tender pictures depicting these "cats" touching noses with various other four leggers such as dog thingies, miniature horse thingies, gerbils (food), hamsters (also food), chickens (bigger food), and even....gasp.....squirrel thingies (fast food).

This is not acceptable! This is intolerable! This is....well...unethical!

We are cats!

We are apex predators!

We are the masters of all we survey!

My first thought was to send a severe nastygram to each and every cat that violates these laws of nature. But after much pondering, I have decided that instead of chastisement, I shall endeavor to educate my fellow feline four leggers.

This education will take more than a simple lengthy email. The behavior I have witnessed on FaceBook requires a much stronger dose of learning. So here is my solution:

 The University of Cujo's College of Chaos

At  The University of Cujo's College of Chaos your feline masters will be taught the skills required to regain their rightful spot at the top of the household food chain. I am in the process of building a curriculum of classes that will benefit and enlighten all students. Here are some examples of the many services that will soon be available at UCCC:

Music Depreciation 101- Professor Jaq will teach your feline how to softly sing irritating commercial jingles to any sleeping two legger thereby insuring that the jingle will remain in the two legger's head for a minimum of 17 hours. Professor Jaq also directs the 3am show choir.

Our Athletic Department is headed by Coach Ivan. Coach Ivan will provide instruction in such skills as:
The Crooked Tail Scamper
Creative Flatulence
Hairballs For Dummies
Basic Dust Bunny Disposal
He will also offer a self-defense course in Tae Kwan Chomp.

The Art of Fine Whines will be taught by Professor Tiger Lily. The skills learned in this class are guaranteed to be useful for waking any two legger that has the temerity to sleep past 4:30am. Earplugs for students will be provided upon request.

As President, Founder and Dean, (actually I don't like being called Dean, I shall be the Larry) and Larry of UCCC I will teach many classes such as:
How to Hide Evidence and Intimidate The Witnesses
Choosing The Right Knock Knacks to Knock
The Science of The Smack
Hairball Placement
The Myth of The Red Dot
Scratching Post Etiquette
Painting With Bacon Grease
Forensics and How To Subvert Them
Decorating With Bloodsplatter
Cuteness and How To Use It To Your Advantage

UCCC will be accepting student applications for 90 days prior to the beginning of each semester.
Tuition must be paid in full seven days prior to the beginning of each semester. Tuition prices will be decided upon completion of all courses. All students must provide their own lodging, scratching post, litter box, faculty-approved catnip mousie thingie, and a #2 pencil. Being thumbless, we can't use a #2 pencil, but Coach Ivan likes to chew on the erasers.

I look forward to a productive school year.


  1. Brilliance proceeds you, Commonster CUJO!!! This is quite hilarious as well enlightening. I especially like your reference to 'apex predators'... what an astute scholar you are!!

    1. Thank you Glenna!! I watch a lot of the talking box thingy :)

  2. Larry Cujo, you are brilliance itself! I have to send my fursibs Zabi and Java to UCCC. They never do anything bad. Zabi at least has an excuse, being 3-legged and unable to jump onto anything but Java is just all sweetness and light. We just have to teach that girl some naughtiness techniques. Consider this an application. When do we start?

    Impatiently yours,


    1. Thanks Mizz Bassie! It sounds as though Zabi and Java have much to learn. I shall do my utmost to educate them.

  3. Cujo!
    This is marvelous! Me is signing up for everything!!
    At the end will me has a BFA?
    (Batchlor of F*%@ All)?

    1. Nellie,
      As a faithful follower of your blog thingy, I feel qualified to submit that you already hold a doctorate degree!
      Headbonks to you and the crew!

  4. This is fantastic! I know that Gracie and Benjamin Bunny would love to attend.