Sunday, April 22, 2012

Going Green

This morning I was awakened by a most annoying sound:


Unfortunately, this is a sound I am familiar with. It occurs twice a week, every week......all Summer long. It is invariably followed a short while later by another sound:


The first sound generally lasts around 45 minutes, while the second may go on for up to three hours.

As with most annoyances in my kingdom, the source of these irritants can be traced directly back to the two leggers. Once again, the two leggers are participating in another example of their senseless acts of futility.

Every Spring, with the appearance of the first post-Winter sunbeam, the male two legger suddenly gets a manic look in his eyes, grabs his car keys and drives to his local gardening store. He returns with at least 27 different types of fertilizer, 8 types of weed thingy killers, 4 new gardening implements and several book thingies that only produce green stuff for the people who wrote them.

Upon his return, he spends every sunny day for the next five weeks pampering, watering, and I suspect perhaps even talking to the grass in an effort to make it grow faster, thicker and greener than it has ever grown before. On rainy days, he watches from the bay window, mentally encouraging the stuff to show growth and improvement.

Today marks the day that the horticultural Mr. Hyde takes over the green thumbed Dr. Jekyll.With no warning whatsoever, the male two legger decides that it is time to destroy the grass that he has spent so much time nurturing.

The first thing he does is go to the shed and bring out a small piece of equipment with a spinny thingy on the end that uses plastic line to whip the grass into submission. It is the source of the first noise mentioned above, He calls this implement his "weed-eater".  I do not understand why he calls it that, it does not consume the grass, it simply whips it around and tosses it into the flower beds. (much to the chagrin of the female) "Weed thrower" would be a more appropriate name. the moniker "weed eater" should be reserved for goat thingies. 

After filling the flower beds with the leavings of the weed thrower, the male prepares for his next act of agricultural carnage. He grabs a beer, climbs on a miniature car thingy and puts his earPod thingy in his ears. This miniature car thingy is called a "lawnmauler" and makes the second sound mentioned at the start of this post. It seems to be powered by beer and has been known to use up to a six pack in a single afternoon of operation. It has spinning steel blades that are excellent for cutting grass, garden hoses and throwing rocks and other things that the male was too lazy to pick up beforehand. It too fills the flowerbeds with shredded grass.

Grow, destroy. Grow, destroy. This senseless ritual will occur twice weekly for the rest of the Summer.

If only I could convince him to start growing squirrels.


  1. Are you referring to weed wacker's and lawn mowers? How annoying and scary! You just need to pee on everything and then they won't touch it. At least that's what I do....Love Sula

  2. LOLOLOL!!! Go 2 Legger, Go!! This is so Funny!

  3. Actually, I never venture outside. I rule my kingdom from the comfort of my house. (The two leggers fear that I may destroy the local eagle and coyote population)

  4. Whoa..the Coyote and Eagle Population? You are a Maniacal Cat!! Such Hubris!! I think you should refrain your Monstrousness to the litterBox thingy, Sir!!

  5. Cujo, you never cease to amaze. I appreciate so much your fine tuned perspective on the insanity of the two-leggers.

    Keep me apprised on the squirrel growing.

    ; ) Katie

  6. What are the chances of the two-legger purchasing a squirrel-mauler? That would be quite amusing.

  7. 2-leggers, there is just no understanding them!

  8. Cujo! thanks for explaining this! Me has watched my daddy do the same thing (except his is a machine that pulls him around the yard behind it). He also has one that digs up the dirt in a pile of dirt and weeds he calls the garden. There he plants green things and pulls up other green things and makes the swearing sounds lots!
    Me is feeling much better. Thanks yous for purring for me.