Sunday, August 28, 2011

Jabba The Mutt

While sitting in my bay window today, I spotted a most curious sight. Strolling down my driveway, was something that could only by a long stretch of the imagination be described as somewhat "dog-like".

At least it had some canine characteristics:
It drooled.
It had something resembling a tail thingy attached (though barely) to its butt. (at least I suspect it was attached to its butt, this thing was so ugly, I was unsure of which end I was observing) Which seemed to be making some attempt at wagging.
It had a propensity for urinating on all vertical surfaces it encountered.

I suspect that it also has an unreasonable urge to sniff the nether regions of other canines.

Though it exhibited these obvious canine traits, I was unsure of its identity. You see, this was unlike any dog thingy that I have ever observed.

It was very large. It had places.

It had places.

If Doctor Frankenstein had ever created a companion for his homemade two legger, it may have looked something like the creature slowly entering my yard.

I realize that I should have been annoyed that there was an uninvited muttbeast entering my kingdom, but it was such a freak of nature that I could not look away.

Even the goat thingies seemed confused. They ceased doing their goaty doings. They approached the fence and demanded in no uncertain terms "BAAAAAAA?". In goat language this roughly translates to: "What the hell are you and would you please hand us that dandelion that is next to what I presume to be your paw?"

Either the suspected dog thingy did not speak goat, or it rudely ignored their request. It matters not to me.

What does matter to me however, is that it seems to share my hostility for squirrels.

The squirrel had been up to its normal annoying activities all afternoon. It had scurried through my yard gathering pine nuts, danced on my front deck mocking me, and I swear, I once caught it blowing a kiss at Tiger Lilly.

Upon spotting the squirrel, the alleged dog thingy sprinted (well it more "moseyed" than "sprinted" but I think that it fully intended to sprint) towards the squirrel. It let out a deafening "MARF!". I am unsure what "MARF" means in dog language having never heard a dog say it before, but given the look of intense anger on what I suspect was its face, it was either a yell of fury, or perhaps a belch. Either way, it had its intended effect and sent the squirrel fleeing for its life.

I found this amusing.

What was even more amusing was that it attempted to follow the squirrel up the tree. It made a valiant effort and actually succeeded in gaining almost 2.5 inches of altitude. All the while, it continued to shout "MARF! MARF! MARF!"

Ivan and Tiger Lily, attracted by the commotion joined me in observing this oddity.

And then it happened.

Like a flash of mangy yellow lightning, Jack streaked from beneath the front deck and commenced to mauling the possible pooch. This was greeted with a confused "MARF?" Jack then ejected the confused beast from my yard.

Perhaps there is hope for Jack yet.

Ivan, thinking he had learned a new word, celebrated by walking in circles whispering "marf, marf, marf."

This quickly annoyed me, so I smacked Tiger Lily.


  1. Poor Tiger Lily. She needs to team up with Jack and learn that attack maneuver and test it on you.