Sunday, August 21, 2011

Jack Attack.

Among my most endearing qualities is patience. I am patient in the extreme. I am so patient in fact, that every morning upon their waking,  I allow the two leggers upwards of two minutes to feed me before I start breaking stuff.

No one can accuse me of impatience.

However, my patience is being tried.

I have allowed Jack to reside on my back deck for a month now and his behavior has failed to show improvement.

I understand that when a new minion arrives in my Kingdom, there is a period of time during which said minion must behave out of character in order to ingratiate themselves to their fellow minions. This is the natural order of things. Therefore I had no problem with Jack behaving in a most non-feline like manner. He rubs against the two leggers whenever they venture out onto the deck. He purrs incessantly when in their presence. He has allowed the bird thingies to go about their bird thingy business totally unmolested, knowing that if he were to unleash his natural instincts, the two leggers would break out the Mother of All Water Squirty Thingies that they keep attached to a green tube next to the house. He has even ignored the squirrel thingy.

I understand and respect this. That being said, it is obvious that the time has come for him to show his true nature.

He is a cat. It is time he starts behaving like a cat. I did not hire him to be an animated yard ornament. I hired him to maim, destroy and mutilate the enemies that lurk within my outer kingdom. 

Do you realize that in the month since I employed him he has failed to draw two legger blood even once?

He is taking this "cute and cuddly" routine entirely too far. I cannot abide it.

I have attempted to show him his duty. Using Tiger Lily as a proxy for the squirrel thingy, I have pounced on her and chewed her head mercilessly to demonstrate the proper method. I have held her up to the window and shown him the correct technique for vermin smacking. Ivan has even demonstrated stalking strategy. (well, Ivan stalks like an elephant rollerskates, but you get the idea)

But all to no avail. He simply refuses to hurt anything.

I am beginning to suspect he is a pacifist.

If I do not see improvement soon, I may be forced to no longer consider him a cat.

I do not make this decision lightly, but I feel it is being forced upon me.

I will give Jack another two weeks. If within that period I have not seen evidence of mayhem, chaos, bloodletting, bird thingy destruction or squirrel worrying, I shall be forced to remove his feline status.

If it should come to that, I will declare him a pacifistic, nature loving, two legger adoring, useless lump of fur.

In short, a dog.


  1. I have a dog that will give you a run for your money and keep you amused. I don't find her tactics the least bit amusing. She loves destroying things. Although she's a dog, the two of you might find much in common, plus, she's cat-sized. Let me know when I can arrange to ship her to you.

  2. Ms.A,
    Perhaps an exchange program is in order. You send me a dog with feline tendencies, I'll send you a cat with canine tendencies. Then all will be right in our worlds.

  3. No, no... feel free to keep Jack. This dog is guaranteed to teach him the fine art of a slap attack, in no time.