Ivan's Birthday

Today is Ivan's birthday.

I know what everyone is thinking: "I didn't know that today was Ivan's birthday!"


That's okay, he didn't either.


It's his first birthday.........again.


In fact, it's his fifth first birthday.


Confused?


Allow me to enlighten you. You see, Ivan has always been poor at math. In point of fact, he has never been able to count higher than "one". Therefore, if we were to tell him that he is five years old today, it would throw him into such a state of befuddlement that I would have to smack him repeatedly about his head thingy in order to bring him back to his normal state of mild confusion. So it is simply easier to celebrate his first birthday every year.


Given that it is his birthday, I have decided that today I would not insult or make fun of him.

I won't mention that he is a walking mound of non-intelligence. I won't speak of how oddly formed his body is. I will not tell everyone that he has a phobia of doorknobs or that round objects confuse him. I won't even bring up his unnatural relationship with the big stuffed bunny.

I most certainly will restrain myself from discussing the fact that Ivan has the world's greatest repertoire of odors. He can make stinkies that would trigger the evacuation of shopping malls. His talent for flatulence can make the two leggers rush through the house searching for the litter scoopy thingy.

Today, I will be nice to my big orange, stinky, clumsy, easily fooled, easily manipulated, misshapen, oddly neurotic, dim witted buddy.

Tonight, after the two leggers have retired for the evening, I will even allow Ivan to choose the nightly entertainment/chaos. I have no doubt that he will choose either "Hallway Hockey" or "Trashcan Tackle". I of course will trounce him soundly in whichever game he chooses. (My generosity extends only so far.)

This is your day Ivanhead. Enjoy it.

And if Tiger Lily decides to whine about it, I will smack her into silence.