Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Utter Coon-fusion

I have discovered a new type of four legger. I am amused.

Last night while on dust bunny patrol, I was startled by a loud skittering noise emanating from the back deck of my house. Assuming it was my nemesis the squirrel, I decided to aggressively ignore him. But the noise continued and eventually grew until it could be ignored no more. I stalked to the sliding door prepared to give the tree rat a glaring he wouldn't soon forget and to my dismay discovered that the squirrel was absent. Instead, I beheld a large furry mound of mischief, and its' five mini-mounds.

Having spent much time watching Animal Planet on the talking box thingy, I quickly identified these trespassers as "raccoons". For those of you that have never actually seen a raccoon, they are about three tailspans long and weigh approximately two Ivans. They have grayish unkempt fur and black and white rings on their tails. They wear a mask on their face. I believe they are basically well dressed possums. I decided to observe.

The large raccoon used its' incredibly dexterous paws to open the container of bird seed and sate itself on the contents therein. Meanwhile, the mini-coons were busy. Two of them were swimming in the koi pond, while the other three were dissecting the cushions of the lawn furniture. Occasionally two or more would suddenly begin to wrestle, hissing and biting at each other until they found other objects to explore and ultimately destroy. I have never witnessed such concentrated chaos. My heart pounded as I considered the possibilities.

Imagine these maestro's of mayhem released upon the interior of my home. If they can cause such damage to furnishings designed to stand up to Mother Nature, what could they do to the all the delicate little thingies that my female two legger takes such pride in? Ivan would have new friends that smell almost as bad as him. The garbage can would never be upright again. Never again would I have to struggle with trying to bite through the lid of the catnip container. I bet that houseplants would never be seen in my house again. Just the thought of those guys lining up to smack Tiger Lily with their marvelous little paws makes me shiver in anticipation. MWAHAHAHA!!!

I have made a decision. I am now their leader, and they are my minions.

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