Saturday, November 6, 2010

Baby Stalk

I recently received a message from one of my four legged followers begging me to advise her on dealing with an interloper recently introduced to her household. This fresh irritant is referred to by the two leggers as a "baby". Having once seen one, I feel imminently qualified to advise her. The message reads:

"Dear Great, Wise, Wonderful, Fantastic, Handsome, Brilliant, Ingenious, and Famous Cujo Cat,
I have a problem that requires your sage counsel. My female two legger recently underwent an inexplicable nine month long weight gain. During this time she became quite unpredictable in both her general disposition as well as her appetite. This also affected the male two legger causing him to take a sudden interest in building stuff. He even went as far as to evict me from my favorite dayroom and re-paint it a nasty shade of pink. He replaced my kitty condo with a miniature two legger bed that has bars on the side."

" Then one day there was chaos, and not the good, feline induced type. The two leggers left in the middle of the night and did not return for two days. The only two legger I saw during this time was the male's sibling that came briefly to fill my food and water."

"On the third day, the two leggers returned carrying a bundle of screaming rags. Since then, there has been little peace and less affection shown to Yours Truly. The screaming rags turned out to be a "baby". I don't understand what could possess my two leggers to bring this into my domicile, let alone why they continue to feed it. I await your wisdom."

"Thank you,
Minnie Mousemunch"

Dear Minnie,
First of all, your salutation (Dear Great, Wise, Wonderful, Fantastic, Handsome, Brilliant, Ingenious, and Famous Cujo Cat,) is flattering, but overdone. (I'm not that famous)

I understand your dilemma. These "baby" thingies are truly a bane to all cats everywhere. After doing some research and observation, I have reached the conclusion that they are embryonic two leggers. I believe that the nine month period of weight gain that you witnessed was actually the female's pregnancy. When they disappeared for two days, they probably went to the Vet for the delivery. I do find it curious however that they only brought one of the litter home with them. Perhaps they were offered their pick and this was the one they chose.

Be that as it may, I feel that the best course of action is to observe, plot and whenever possible, wreak havoc. I suggest you act as though you enjoy the company of the embryo. Purr when it is called for, but don't lay it on too thick. If you are too nice, the two leggers will suspect your motives.

Be wary of their defense mechanisms. They have the ability to emit a stench that even Ivan cannot abide. Their vocalizations can actually cause glass to break and milk to sour. So tread carefully. As for the bars around the miniature bed, I think they are there in order to keep the "baby" from sneaking out and murdering them in their sleep. (I actually saw that happen on the talking box thingy once)

There is one benefit to having one of these in your household however. Whenever you are left alone with the "baby", you have carte blanche to break stuff. The mature two leggers will just smile at the "baby" and call it a 'little rascal" or some such drivel. I know it's not fair (they should spray it with the squirty water thingy) but when it's their offspring, it suddenly seems cute to them. So enjoy the freedom to break anything you want without consequence. Just make sure it lands near the "baby".

Finally, if it gets to be too much for you to handle, c'mon over to my place. We'll do some nip and slap Tiger Lily. It's very therapeutic.

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