Thursday, October 30, 2014

The Stalking Dead

As Halloween approaches, I find myself pondering things that seem to frighten two leggers. In the past I have posted about vampires, werewolves (and their young, weewolves) ghost thingies and Miley Cyrus. I even re-wrote Poe's "The Raven" last year.

But this year, I thought I'd cover an even scarier subject....

They are all over the media these days. Movies and TV shows are made about them. Parties are thrown in honor of them. It seems everywhere one turns, there is someone speaking of them and how scary they are.

They are mindless creatures that attack two legger society, causing fear, leaving death and destruction in their wake. They seek to destroy civilization and bring an end to the two legger race with their insatiable hunger.

However, I have always made it a rule when writing my blog thingy to never speak of politics, so instead I'll tell you about ZOMBIES!

First of all let me state for the record that of all the two legger bugaboos, zombies scare me the least. I mean think about it:
1. They are incapable of individual thought.
2. They feed only on two legger brains. (Darn scarce commodity)
3. They shamble.

How can anyone possibly be afraid of anything that shambles? If one starts to chase you, simply walk away. You don't even have to walk briskly. A slow meander should be enough. You could even stop at the corner coffee shop and get a grande' triple caramel, low-fat, half-caff, vente', extra whip, raspberry machiotto  light on the sprinkles, mocha latte' with a cinnamon stick before they even got close enough to make you nervous.

Zombies have evolved over the years. Originally they were the work of Voodoo practitioners in West Africa, the Caribbean Islands and along the American Gulf Coast.They were freshly dead two leggers who had some kind of spell thingy cast upon them to re-animate them. They were then sent forth to do the priest's bidding. They did not seek to eat the brains of their victims, but rather served as large, dumb, thug-like tools.

Not unlike mall security guards.

Somewhere along the way, a group of zombies was captured by a Hollywood producer and forced to "reinvent" themselves. The producer convinced the zombies that they were not scary enough to make a living (un-living?) in movies. They needed a "schtick", a gimmick, something to make them stand out from the rest of the population of California.

"Eureka! I've got it!" the producer exclaimed. "Babe, you gotta eat brains! You know, lurch around and crack peoples skulls, chew on their heads!"

The zombies replied, "URRRRRRGGGHHHH.........."

"That's the spirit, babe! Do more of that stuff! I smell a franchise!", the producer schmoozed. "Now get this, you will be virtually unstoppable! You will have superhuman strength (except when it comes to boarded-up windows and those pesky doorknobs)! You will be totally impervious to fire, ice and electricity!"

"URRRRRRRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!!" Enthused the zombies.

"You will be completely unstoppable!", raved the producer. "Oh yeah, unless the hero shoots you in the head, then you're toast".


Thus was the modern zombie created. A Hollywood producer and a germ thingy created a new race of terrifying monsters

But I still cannot get past the whole shambling bit. 

So I have decided to create my own zombie. I already have the basic components. Ivan will serve as the brainless, thuggish, unstoppable creature. Tiger Lily will provide the haunting and irritating sounds that send chills through the souls of two two leggers. Jaq will hide in the closet and sing Michael Jackson's "Thriller" and possibly Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear The Reaper".

We are all prepared for our annual Halloween shennaigans.

I have even corrected the shambling issue. Every night, Ivan gets several small food morsels as a "midnight treat". Tonight, I replaced his snack with espresso beans.

And thus I have created the most terrifying beast known to man and dog thingies.......



  1. Can a Zoombie ride on a Rumba? I envision Rumba riding Zoombies all over the lower 48 states! Similar to a witch riding a broom! LOL!

  2. A zoombie is gonna be terrifyin', for sure. MOUSES!


  3. MOL! We wondered how zombies came to favor brains as snacks. Happy Halloween!