Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Creature Discomforts

Recently there have been a lot of programs on the talking box thingy that seem to have a common theme.

Two leggers world-wide have become obsessed with attempting to find legendary monsters. They are constantly mounting expeditions to remote corners of the world, taking high-tech gadgets, doo-dads, thingamajiggets, and other paraphernalia in order to locate and document these unexplained and undiscovered critters.

Normally I would not pay much attention to the goings on of such eccentric, and in most cases, wild-eyed and bearded individuals.

However, due to the proximity of the sightings, there is one such beastie that has captured my interest.

Over the last century or two, there have been more sightings of a critter named "Bigfoot" here in the Pacific Northwest than anywhere else in the civilized world (and Arkansas).

Since the creature in question lives here locally, I felt that it would be in my best interest to learn something of this mythical mischief maker. Since making this decision, I have now slept through no fewer than 37 different documentaries that claim to have discovered "irrefutable" proof that it exists.

I now consider myself to be the ultimate authority on all thingies Bigfootish.

I shall now enlighten you....

By all accounts, Bigfoot is a large, hairy, stinky and loud two legger. It has been described as a cross between a man, an ape, a bear and an upright marmot. No clear photographs of Bigfoot exists, but after seeing several eyewitness accounts, I assume it looks something like what one would see if Ivan and Gary Busey ever decided to have a child together. 

Creatures bearing the same description have been reported from virtually every corner of the world. Here in the Pacific Northwest it is known as "Bigfoot". The local Native Americans also called it "Sasquatch" which is the Quiyallute name for "Mega Hairy Dude". In Asia, it is referred to as the "Abominable Snowman" or "Yeti". In Louisiana it is called the "swamp ape". In Texas, they named it "Hairy Man". There are even reports of one spotted in Arkansas that the locals call "Uncle Jimmy".

Sightings of the legendary beast have many commonalities. Physical descriptions of the animal, general terrain of the sighting areas and even the eyewitnesses themselves bear many common traits.

Usually, Bigfoot is described as being around six to seven feet in height, covered in fur with a shambling gait. It emits a high-pitched scream or yell and is often accompanied by a musky odor.

It is most often sighted in remote, forested terrain that is usually hilly, mountainous or otherwise hard to access.

The eyewitnesses are generally avid hunters with an average blood alcohol content of .283% who have just discovered that the mushrooms that grow out of bear feces is actually quite yummy and makes a great mid-afternoon snack. Even the eyewitnesses in Asia seem to have developed a Deep American Southern accent

The final common factor in all these reports was the fact that every single two legger that encountered Bigfoot was totally and completely freaked out. Well, perhaps "freaked out" is too much of an understatement. They were bug-eyed, shivering, tweaking, twitching, babbling and underwear soiling disturbed.

As I pondered Bigfoot and his affect upon the two leggers who encountered him, it occurred to me that perhaps I could use this to my advantage......................



  1. Waiting with bated breath for the rest of the story! I sure hope that that Yeti, Bigfoot or Giant Cat gets some good Noms out there in the Pacific Northwest!!

  2. And what IS it with all those bearded folk, anyway? MOUSES!


    PS. Ummm.. Does Gary Busey know 'bout your theory, there? purrs

  3. I no have big foots, I have litle paws.