Thursday, October 23, 2014

Assault and Cattery

Since starting my blog thingy back in 2010, I have received many emails and messages requesting more information about Ivan The Tolerable.

It seems that many of my readers and minions believe that he is a big loveable lug that assists me in my misadventures and often endures being the butt of my jokes and pranks.

So to set the record thingy straight, I have decided to devote this post to filling in one of the blanks in Ivan's pre-blog history.

Anyone who has read my books or the earliest posts of my blog thingy knows that Ivan was here before I took over. He was adopted by my two leggers about three months before I subjugated them. However, what you may not know is that when I first met Ivan, he was an angry, idiotic, stinky, stuuborn, sullen, foul-tempered, thick-headed, anti-social, thuggish brute. In the last five years he has changed immensely.

He is no longer angry.

But Ivan has a deep, dark secret. Something known only to myself and my two leggers. Something that may forever change the opinions of those who hold him in such high esteem.

Ivan has a police record.

That's right. Ivan is a hardened criminal.

It happened about a year before I began my blog.......

As I have stated often in the past, my two leggers are a couple of earth loving, tree hugging, bunny kissing beatniks. They are suckers for any critter with a twitchy nose, waggy tail or floppy ears. They would probably adopt an alligator and name it "Mister Fluffy" if it exhibited a cute demeanor.

I suspected something was up when the two leggers came home one day and began constructing a fence in my backyard. Ivan and I watched from the kitchen window as they planted fence posts and installed a gate. The final clue as to their intentions came when the male began construction on what was obviously a dog house.

On Ivan's LOATH (List Of All Things Hated), Ivan has listed the following:
1. Big dog thingies
2. Little dog thingies
3. Living dog thingies
4. Dead dog thingies
5. SIUP (Socks In Unexpected Places)

The next afternoon, the two leggers returned home from work. As they exited the car, I noticed that the male was holding one end of a leash. At the other end was a mid-sized, black and white, fully grown, sniffing, grinning, slobbering dog beast. He was approximately three times my size with longish hair. The two legger let him off the leash and he immediately commenced to watering every tree, shrub and twig in my yard. As I watched, I heard a low rumble behind me. I turned to find Ivan in full poof, his poor excuse for a tail looking like an orange, upside down ice cream cone stuck to his butt. His nose twitching, eyes aglow, I found myself concerned that his anger might ignite the dust between his ears causing the whole place to go up in flames.

Unaware that Ivan had suddenly been transformed into a hellbeast, the two leggers entered the house with the dog thingy in tow. They both watched me warily, waiting for me to hiss, poof and attack. Little did they know that I had already reached the conclusion that my services would not be needed.

"Cujo, this is Ernie. He needed a home and so we decided he could share ours." The male announced. "We expect you to be nice to him and we're sure you will soon become great friends".

I stood there calmly and smiled. As always, I knew something that they did not.

While their attention had been focused entirely upon Yours Truly, the creature formerly known as Ivan was slowly and methodically making his way around the dining room table. Some doggie-danger sense alerted Ernie just as Ivan pounced. He turned just in time to receive a monster dose of orange tabby beat down. In a blind fury Ivan became a blurry ball of teeth, claws and I coulda sworn he had found a switchblade or small light saber as well. The male reacted immediately and reached in to separate the two combatants.....well, actually there was only one combatant, the other was just a confused canine wondering where his worst nightmare had come from.

Now allow me to pause a moment here and explain something. The male two legger has spent his whole life in the company of animals. He knows better than to attempt to separate two animals intent on doing each other bodily harm. However, in this case his surprise overwhelmed his knowledge and he pulled Ivan (or whatever Ivan had become) off of the mutt.

Though robbed of his intended victim, Ivan continued his attack upon whatever was at hand. In this case "whatever was at hand" was quite literally at hand(s). For the next 25 seconds (or 3.5 hours if you ask the two legger) Ivan sliced, diced and mutilated the hands of the two legger. Finally he opened his eyes and realized that the dog thingy had escaped and he had inadvertently been biting (and clawing) the hands that feed him and ceased his attack. He ran to the computer room where the female locked him in. After securing Ernie in the backyard, the female proceeded to spend the next hour treating the male's wounds. It soon became apparent that the wounds were beyond home remedy so the two leggers left for the doctor's office.

This is where the police enter the picture. Apparently whenever there is an animal attack that requires medical attention, the police are required to be notified. The male declined to press charges against Ivan, but he was placed on probation. The police sent Ivan a letter declaring him a "vicious animal". They stated that he was a certified "dog-hater" and even went as far as to label him a "naughty kitty".

It took several weeks for the two legger to heal, though he still has the scars to this day. In the meantime, they found Ernie another home (I believe it was at Ernie's request). Ivan, realizing that he had crossed the line this time, has spent the intervening years convincing the two leggers that he has amended his ways.

So now you know the story of Ivan's police record. We do not often speak of it, some things are better left in the past.

But I must admit, I do find it amusing to occasionally sneak up on him and bark.


  1. Well, Ivan, you certainly got rid of the woofie fast enough. Sorry you did such a job on your male human, though. I ripped into my Mom once, but she didn't need medical attention. I'm glad you have calmed down.


  2. Ivan and his light sabor! and that tiny switch blade!! I am glad he has tried to rehabilitate himself w/the 2 leggers. (Hey Ivan: a shout out to you: many 2 leggers and 4 leggers have police records and lead positively PURRfect lives!)

  3. Wow! Binga has a criminal record too, but she loves dogs (or at least the one that lives here) so it must be for some other infraction. All I know is that my human got her out of a city jail cell at the young age of 8 weeks. I guess she must have been in juve.

  4. Ivan, would go crazy at our house and Lily would be running away all the time as she is a cat who barks regularly. Sorry we haven't stopped by in a while. We do miss your most amusing posts, and we will plan to start reading again regularly. Consider joining us on Sunday with a selfie for our Sunday Selfies Blog Hop. XOCK, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Jo

  5. Well I'm glad to hear he's no longer angry!

    Sounds to me like my Auntie Primrose is one pretty lucky kitty. She sent Peep #1 to the emergency room, once. Yup, fourteen bites on one hand and one on the other. Luckily for her, the police were not called in.

    Hmmm... Nosy Neighbour Cat's mum is an RCMP officer. I wonder if she was 'informed.' MOUSES!


  6. Well, once again you had me just grinning and chuckling as I read your latest story. Glad to know about Ivan's past!!! :-)
    Thank you,
    Lucy (Troy, Ohio silent MOD)

  7. I'm not sure who I feel sorrier for, unsuspecting Ernie, your male two-legger for suffering such injury at the claws of Ivan, or Ivan himself for being so severely punished for his attempt to protect you from the woofies.

    This does explain why Ivan is the bouncer of the blog!