Thursday, October 16, 2014

Creature Discomforts (Part 2)

Now where was I?

Oh yeah, I was speaking to you of Bigfoot and pondering how I could use such a creature to my advantage.

My plan was fairly simple.
1. Find a Bigfoot.
2. Once found, subjugate him.
3. Release him to cause chaos and mayhem and any other tasks I may call upon him to perform.

I quickly found out that step one of my plan was not going to be quite as easy as I thought.

For three nights in a row, I waited until the two leggers had retired for the evening. Once I was sure that they were safely slumbering, I stationed myself in the bay window of the darkened living room.

"Bigfoot!" I whispered. There was no response.

"Hey Sasquatch!" I said a bit louder. The night remained eerily silent.


Suddenly I was startled by a pine cone striking the window above my head. The pine cone assault was not Bigfoot related, but was thrown by the squirrel thingy because I was disturbing his "me time". (When I enslave Bigfoot, dealing with the squirrel thingy will be at the top of his list of duties.)

By this time I had grown fatigued and decided to take a nap. I put Ivan in charge of finding Bigfoot. I gave him a camera and told him to keep an eye out for anything big, hairy and frightening. If he saw such a beast, he was to take a picture and report to me immediately.

About an hour later, Ivan woke me up.

"Boss! I found him! He was in the bed room. I got picture for ya Boss!!"

One look at the picture and I knew Ivan was mistaken....

Though big and somewhat hairy, this was Bignose, not Bigfoot.

I sent Ivan back to the window and told him to try again. An hour later he was back.....

"Wrong again." I said. "That's Bigface".  

"Dis monster huntin stuff is really hard, Boss. It takes big thinkin." Seeing the validity of his point, I relieved him of his duties. 

After several more nights sans Sasquatch, I realized that perhaps my plan was flawed. Maybe I could cause some mythical monster mayhem without actually employing a mythical monster.

I could tell that after watching so many scary "documentaries" the male two legger was already a bit leery of things that go bump in the night. It just so happens that I take great pride in my longstanding record of being Chief of All Things That Go Bump In The Night.

There was only one problem. In order to really make this work, I needed to figure out a way to make a seven pound house cat (me) sound like a 293 pound Bigfoot thingy. Once again, Ivan was the obvious answer. I told Ivan that after the two leggers went to bed, he was to stomp across the living room floor in a most Sasquattish manner. He would take five or six steps and then curl up on the couch as if asleep. I told him to perform this every 20 minutes or so. If the two leggers got up to investigate, he was to feign sleep until they returned to their room.

Since all the documentaries reported that the Bigfoot made a deafening, high-pitched screeching call, I found that by glaring at Tiger Lily with my smacking paw twitching, I could entice her to make just such a bone-chilling sound.

Last night we put my plan into effect.

I am sorry to report that all did not go as planned. It started out well. Ivan stomped, Tiger Lily screeched Jaq listened at the bedroom door. Soon Jaq gave the signal that the two leggers were stirring. We all immediately assumed attitudes of sleep. However, once again, Ivan's inability to control his giggling did us in.

The two legger returned to bed as if he hadn't noticed the large stinky mass on the couch, jiggling like a furry orange jello mold from Hell.

We waited an hour before resuming our activities. But the next time the two legger came out, he was armed with a water squirty thingy. On the side of the weapon, he had crossed out "Cat Corrector" and written "Sasquatch Squirter".

Oh well. Such is life. Win some, lose some. Yadda yadda yadda.

I have not given up. My faux Bigfoot may have failed, but if I ever subjugate the real thing, oh what an amusing evening that will be.

And Bigfoot, if you are out there and have internet access, drop me an email of FaceBook me. We'll do lunch and discuss the possibilities.

If you are not out there, or if you eat cats, please disregard that last sentence.


  1. The 2 legger was looking for a Big Foot? W/his squirt thingy? LOL!!

  2. Cujo, I'll help you search FB, if you like. Bet that Bigfoot has a fan page or somethin'. We'll find it and then you invite him over, for sure.