Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Vintage Whine

Since starting my blog thingy almost three years ago, I have on occasion allowed, or in some instances, forced my minions to write in my stead. Ivan, Jaq and even the male two legger have taken over for me when it amused me.

However, it has been brought to my attention that one minion in particular has never been allowed to voice her opinions.....

Tiger Lily

There are two reasons I have kept her muted until now:
1. I was worried about liability issues involving my readers uncontrollably smacking their monitors once they read her words.
2. I always believed that post #264 would be the perfect time to allow it. Granted, I once considered post #262 to be the perfect time, but I was heavily into catnip back then and fortunately sobered up before making such a drastic mistake.

Before I turn the keyboard over to Whiney The Pooh, I just want to say that I reserve the right to smack her at any time and for any or no purpose whatsoever.

Without further ceremony, I present her Royal Whineness: Tiger Lily

Thank you Cujo    *SMACK!*

Aw! C'mon! I was only gonna *SMACKITY-SMACK!*

Okay! If you're not gonna let *SMACK!*

Cujo here again, in the interest of getting this over with, I will now retire to the Royal Litter while she continues her post. However, I will return immediately if I hear her keystrokes sounding even slightly whiny.

Now that he is gone, maybe I can finally speak my mind! 

I know that from his blog and his books, many people have gotten the impression that Cujo is a total tyrant and is completely evil and vile in all his methods. 

Well, I am here to set you all straight.

You don't know the half of it!

But I am not here to complain about all the things he does to make my life a living purgatory. I will not speak of the way he likes to slap the top of the litter box whenever I try to make potty. I won't tell you how he always licks all the food in MY food bowl before I can eat. I refuse to tattle about how he is always popping out of nooks and crannies in order to startle me. I promise I won't tell about the time that he hid under my bed until 2am and then jumped up and smacked me just when I was finally asleep.

No, I am no snitch. I would never attempt to get him in trouble by talking about how he keeps trying to lace the two legger's coffee with stool softener. I wouldn't dream of letting everyone know that he has set up a PetCo credit account in the two legger's name. Or that he watches "Animal Planet After Dark" which comes on at 1am and features R-rated nature videos.

I am going to use this time to talk about me.

I am seven years old and Cujo has been smacking me around for the last five of those years. I never quite know when or why he is going to smack me. I have luxuriant silver/ gray fur that can often be found lodged between Cujo's claws. I spend most of my day staring at walls, laying on the female two legger's head and getting smacked by Cujo.

I know that Cujo justifies his treatment of me by telling everyone that I whine too much, but this is a misconception. 

I do not whine.

I state my objections vociferously on the rare occasion that something displeases me. The only things that I object to are:
Cujo sitting too close to me.
Cujo walking by me.
Any other cat in my vicinity.
My food bowl being empty.
My food bowl being too full.
My litter box having clumps.
Clean litter.
Open windows.
Closed windows.
My water bowl being dirty.
My water bowl being taken away to be cleaned.
Noises in the dark.
Jaq singing.
Two leggers sleeping past 4:30am.
Two leggers going to bed before 2am.
Two leggers having visitors.
Two leggers leaving.
Two leggers coming home.
Two leggers in the tub.
Bob in the yard.
Deer thingies in the yard.
Eight leggers.
Six leggers.

Other than that, I am pretty "happy-go-lucky" all the time.

I have returned. 

Now that I have allowed her to speak, I trust that after that bit of unpleasantness, no one will accuse me of unwarranted smacking ever again. 

In fact, I just received an email from PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) regarding my treatment of Tiger Lily. It was just five words long:

"Dear Cujo,
           Go for it."


  1. Tiger Lily, if you like, you can come and live in Alaska with Joonie & I {Dana, Joonie's two-legger}! From your description of yourself, I believe, you & Joonie, may be sister's from another mother! She has most, if not all of your idiosyncrasies, & the two of you would be partner's in "whine"! Think about it, if not full time then maybe a visit! Joonie misses her brother Bennie, who went over the rainbow bridge, & would love a sister!

  2. After witnessing Tiger Lily's incessant whining,I have a greater appreciation of the need for *Smack* therapy.

  3. Great Job Tiger Lily. We now know your little secret Cujo : "Animal Planet After Dark" !! :)

  4. Tiger Lily, what a good kitty you are for not "ratting out" Cujo. MOL. Cujo should be subjected to a day with our Mauricio. He whines from morning to night about everything and nothing. He could use lots of good whapping. It was so nice to meet you and see such a nice photo of you. Hope Cujo will allow you to return again sometime. Purrs and hugs, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Josette