Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Curtain Calls

The two leggers came home bearing gifts for me today.

Unlike most of their feeble attempts at ingratiating themselves to my good auspices, this effort was obviously well thought-out and considered.I find myself in the unenviable and mind boggling position of having to give them some credit.

They arrived home tonight carrying several large bag thingies which I claimed immediately by laying upon them and depositing a large portion of my surplus fur. The bag thingies appeared to contain several large packages of garishly colored material folded into squares. Initially, the only thing I found interesting about these parcels was the plastic that they were wrapped in.

I love plastic. It makes cool sounds that tend to awaken two leggers in the darkest hours of the night. Large plastic bags can serve as an excellent ambush site during "Operation: Whiny Gray Tabbysmack". Plastic in its grocery bag form has friction defeating properties allowing a feline to "bobsled" down any hardwood-floored hallway at speeds in excess of 437 MPH. (Or 29,723 KPH for my minions on the metric system thingy)

However, whilst I lay there pondering the many ways I would utilize the plastic once the two leggers had retired for the evening, the female began unwrapping the packages and unfolding the cloth. As she laid out the cloth panels, the male entered carrying a small step ladder.

Suddenly, it dawned upon me.

The plastic was instantly forgotten.

Sweet Mother of Meow Mix!

They brought me new curtains!

I ordered them to hang them immediately. They accomplished this with a minimum of cursing and bloodshed. Upon completion of their task, the female turned to where I was watching in giddy anticipation and said her usual words of encouragement: "Cujo, NO!"

Those who do not understand the relationship between me and the female may believe that this was an admonishment. However, longtime minions and readers of my blog thingy recognize it as the inside joke that the female and I never tire of. Every time she makes a new addition to the decor of my kingdom, it is traditional for her to point at the fresh improvement and say in a stern voice "Cujo, NO!", knowing full well that her latest project will be well and truly mangled by morning.

Her sense of humor is quite well-developed for a two legger and never fails to amuse me.

Flash forward six hours:

The two leggers have been in bed for two hours. All is silent in the velvet darkness.  Ivan, Jaq and I have been sitting and staring at the new curtains since midnight. We have been plotting their demise. Since she was de-clawed before she adopted my two leggers, Tiger Lily has been excused from tonight's festivities and stands guard by the door to the two legger's bedroom door. 

I decided that to be fair, we would toss a coin to decide who got the chance to go first. Unfortunately, I am "thumb-challenged" and find coin tossing extremely challenging. So instead, we all agreed to "toss" a wineglass. Ivan called "heads" and won the toss when the wineglass hit him squarely on the noggin.

After he regained semi-consciousness, we informed him that he had won.

Ivan decided that the lower parts of the curtains were always neglected during curtain shredding sessions and wished to start there. He backed up about eight tailspans and took a running (shambling) start. Forgetting that there was a wall hidden behind the curtains (below the window) he crashed headlong through the curtain and slammed into the wall. The force of the impact knocked several pictures askew and caused the nightlight to flicker and short-out.

He'll probably wake up later.

Jaq used the couch to sharpen her claws in preparation for her run. With a sudden squeak, she crooked her tail and bolted across the room. Showing her incredible agility, approached the curtains at an angle and in her patented "Spidey Cat Crawl" seemingly defied gravity by running laterally across the entire span leaving a path of small holes and snags midway between floor and ceiling.

Though Jaq was a tough act to follow, I made the most of my athletic prowess by sprinting from the end of the hallway, bouncing off the coffee table, leaping from the coffee table to the back of the rocking chair and using the recoil to launch myself to the very top of the curtain. I hung there for several seconds while the other cats applauded and offered congratulatory praise. I then lowered myself slowly to the floor, snagging a surprising number of threads during my descent.

For the rest of the night we repeated our performances with several variations.

By morning, we lay around the living room, exhausted from our nocturnal activities. At exactly eight AM, we awoke to the female laughing maniacally. Her tears of joy were rather touching, if a bit overdone.

I can't wait to see what they bring home next.    


  1. RIP 2 legger curtains. :D Once again I am in awe of your math skills Cujo!! i.e. 437 MPH. (Or 29,723 KPH for my minions on the metric system thingy). LOL!

    1. LOL!!!! I wonder why the female two legger was laughing and not crying!
      Lo Singer

  2. Those team efforts we have found really pay off in big rewards. It is such a good feeling to begin the day with some good hearty laughs. Y'all were so thoughtful to provide those to the female two-legger. We know she really appreciates it. Purrs and hugs from your furiends in kitty mischief, the kitties at The Cat on My Head, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Josette

  3. a bag AND curtains?? wow, sounds like a wonderful day!

    1. It was epic! Though I saved the bag thingy for later ;)

  4. OMC Cujo, our mom is crying too. We is sure you mom appreciated your efforts furry much, MOL!

    Sasha, Sami, & Saku

  5. Bags and new curtains sound like the perfect kitty entertainment centre! Your antics really brighten up my day but I'm not sure that it would be so funny if they were my new curtains...

    1. Yes, my two leggers were very considerate bringing me new playthings ;)