Thursday, June 20, 2013

Night of The Stalking Dead

I have often spoken of my male two legger's affinity for bad science fiction movies. I have also spoken often of the female's long suffering acceptance of the male's affinity for bad science fiction movies.

What I have not mentioned before, is their mutual enjoyment of another type of movie.

 Scary movies.

I am not referring to the type of movie where some former child star hangs out at a summer camp, slashing, axing and chainsawing his way through a cast of buxom young starlets who obviously landed their roles because of their acting skills.

 ** For those of my minions who are unfamiliar with or unaccustomed to extreme sarcasm, please refer to the last portion of the preceding sentence as an example.**

No brainless zombies prancing around causing havoc across this great land. (Can you believe American Idol is still on the air?)

They prefer the more subtle, eerie imaginative form of villain thingy. The type that uses suspense and imagination to scare the litter nuggets out of the viewer. The type that sneaks around, quietly rearranging  your sock drawer and leaves empty egg cartons in the fridge so that the two leggers don't realize they are out of eggs until the next time they crave an omelet and then spend the rest of the day in an unfulfilled omelet funk. The kind of psychopathic creeper that one always suspects of watching from the shadows, making odd faces and occasionally cracking his knuckles. The type that always stays just out of sight and just when you start to relax, jumps out of the closet and yells "BOOGERS!" before taking your first-born off to the land of Faerie.

Last night, they watched just such a show.

From the shadows, I was watching as well......

Being the ever thoughtful and benevolent master that I am, I deduced that if they enjoyed watching this type of show, they would enjoy living it even more.

As the two leggers prepared for bed, I called a meeting of my fellow felines. I informed them that tonight we shall give the two leggers some truly first class entertainment.

Once the two leggers settled into their bed and turned off the lights, Jaq stealthily snuck under their bed and began to softly sing the most eerily terrifying song ever written: "Teddy Bear Picnic".  Sung in such a soft whispery voice, even the bravest soul would find their knee thingies knocking. Ivan could take no more and bolted from the room.

The monochromatic Tiger Lily silently darted from shadow to shadow, like a phantom in their peripheral vision, pausing each time the two leggers sat up to investigate. Almost wraith-like, she slipped along the edges of the room, careful to provide only fleeting glimpses of her ghostly presence.

Having found Ivan cowering under the hallway table, quivering like Justin Beiber at a biker rally, I told him that it was his turn to add his voice to the symphony of spookiness I was conducting. I gave him his orders and sent him into the bedroom. Every 30 seconds or so, Ivan was to find a suitable piece of woodwork (i.e. baseboard, table leg, bedpost....etc) and drag one claw upon its surface, making a long "scriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch" sound. This worked extraordinarily well, except for the part about counting to 30 between scritches. Ivan kept losing count after counting to two.  I solved this dilemma by telling him to scritch every time he thought about food.

I played my part by simply sitting on the night stand and staring intently at them while they attempted to sleep. Whenever I saw their eyelids beginning to droop, I would shift my stance ever so slightly, causing their eyes to pop back open.

Finally, when it seemed that their exhaustion was beginning to overcome their wariness, I gave the signal and we all gathered in front of the glass door thingy that looks out onto the back deck. On cue, all four of us arched our backs, poofed and began hissing at the darkness. Then, in a flurry of skittering claws, we all fled from the room and disappeared into the murky depths of the hallway.

The darkness did not last long. Soon every light in my kingdom was turned on as the two leggers searched every inch of my Kingdom. By the time they entered the living room, Jaq was curled up in the laundry basket, softly humming a lullaby, Tiger Lily was sprawled on the back of the couch whining about the lights. Ivan, having startled himself again, was hiding under the hallway table, and I was resting peacefully upon my throne.

With a confused scratch of his head, the male returned to his bedroom where he and his mate spent the rest of the night with the lights on.

While it provided much amusement, surprisingly, I don't believe the two leggers were entertained.

Perhaps next time, we should provide popcorn.


  1. I can totally see this: "As the two leggers prepared for bed, I called a meeting of my fellow felines." You are truly the ComMonster of the Universe (known and unknown)!!

  2. Or, we know an even scarier song to try: "It's a Small World." Purrs and hugs, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Josette

  3. Haha! That was a good one, Cujo. We wish we coulda seen it. ;)

  4. MOL! Next time, let us know. A couple black kitties would always add some excitement to an evening like that.

  5. We specially likes your night stand stance..that's pawsome Cujo!

    Sasha, Sami, & Saku