Sunday, June 16, 2013

Goin Buggy

Normally, I refuse to ponder two legger politics. Aside from the chaos it causes among two leggers, I have little or no interest in how the two leggers pretend to govern themselves.

I am often asked if I support one political party or another and my answer is always the same: An irritated glare and a subtle twitching of my smacking paw. This is usually enough to discourage any further inquiries.

This is not to say that I do not pay attention to their antics, but as a self-professed benevolent dictator, I find the very idea of political parties both ludicrous and silly.

All that being stated, I have noticed that lately that two leggers all over the internet thingy and on the news programs yakking away about their government spying on its' own citizens. As The Supreme Ruler and Grand Poobah of All Universes (both known and unknown), Master of Mayhem, Creator of Chaos and Keeper of The Royal Smacking Paw, I feel it is time to make my feelings on this matter known:

Minions must be watched.

They must be kept under constant scrutiny lest they forget who their masters truly are. They must be observed while they eat. They must be watched while they sleep. Their communications must be monitored in case they are plotting to bring home a dog thingy or making an appointment with the veterinarian thingy.

Most importantly, they must be watched while they are using their litter box. I am reasonably sure that when two leggers are using their litter box, subversion is the last thing on their minds, but we must still watch them if only for the fact that it irritates them and makes them nervous.

However, there is one point with which I disagree with the two legger's government. They are apparently uncomfortable with their two leggers being aware that they are being watched. They attempt to conceal their surveillance. I find these methods to be counter-productive. In my opinion, if a minion is aware that they are being watched, they are less likely to behave in a revolutionary manner. My minions go through their daily life fully aware that I am watching.....always watching.

I must admit however, that I am not totally against trying new methods. Just the other day, I decided to do a little research and attempt to discover other methods for keeping my two leggers in line. Performing an internet thingy search, I discovered that there are several websites devoted to helping tyrants dominate their minions.

Side note: One must be cautious when typing words like "domination, smacking and enslavement" into a search engine. Many of the results seem to targeted toward lovers of dog thingies because they feature a lot of leashes and collars.

I found one website thingy that seemed to show a lot of promise. It was called "Masters Who Attain Higher Authority And Hate All Squirrels" (MWAHAHAS) It contained much useful information, most of it useless. There was one suggestion however, that I thought I should try. They recommended installing "bugs" in all the spaces that my minions inhabit. The theory was that through the use of these "bugs", I could be in another room and still hear what the two leggers were plotting.

The next day, while the two leggers were at work, I installed bugs in every room of my kingdom. I set a moth in the bedroom light fixture, two june bugs in the hallway, a couple of weevils in the kitchen, a non-descript but slightly creepy six legger in the dining room by the wine cabinet and several flies in the living room. The bathroom spider was already stationed in the bathroom, so that was a simple matter of reassigning his duties.

The next day I sent Ivan around to gather their reports.

When I asked him if he had anything juicy to report, he informed me that they were all juicy, with the exception of the moth thingy that was rather dry.

I shoulda known better than to send Ivan on an intelligence mission.


  1. Good Job Cujo!! Tell Ivan that his monstrous appetite was the Coup de Gras!! (does Ivan speak French?)

  2. Mom just finished laughing her way through your first book thingy. She even read lots of it to our dad when they were traveling in the car. She's disappointed that she has finished it, so she is jumping over to Amazon from here to pick up book two. Big orange slow-minded cats just are not cut out for the world of espionage. Just remember that when planning your next caper. Purrs and hugs, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Josette

  3. Bwaa! Haa! Haa! Bugs! Mes loves some bugs, but me HATES others!
    What a great post