Thursday, April 4, 2013

Troubled Times

The two leggers are always complaining that they have no "time".
I find this complaint ludicrous because they have so many "times".

7:00 AM is "wake em up" time. This when all the alarm clock thingies go off in a slightly staggered manner. This causes the two leggers to jump out of bed in a flurry of clock slapping activity and then flop right back in bed until they repeat the exercise five minutes later. During the five minute pause between the buzzing and concurrent slapping of the alarm thingies, Tiger Lily invariably begins whining and scratching at the door of the two legger's sleeping chamber. This is usually followed by the bellowing of the male, demanding that she "shut the hell up" as well as various threats of bodily harm to "that monochromatic pest". Occasionally Tiger Lily will opt to sleep in and I will perform her duties in her stead. I have over the years developed a passable imitation of her whine and being the generous soul that I am, have no problem with her receiving the credit for my performance.

7:45AM is "daily morning panic time" They vault from their bed thingy, shower, get dressed, guzzle coffee and scurry out the door. The combination of their haste and caffeine deficiency makes for ample opportunities for Ivan to trip them repeatedly. It is a common sight to see Ivan being rolled down the hallway like a stinky orange soccer ball with a two legger falling to one knee in an effort not to spill his coffee.

6:30 PM is "home time". The two leggers return from wherever they have been all day. They are greeted at the door by Ivan who does his best to look like a poor, starving, meek, little homeless waif. His portrayal would be more convincing were he not an obese, extremely aggressive, thuggish cat beast. I will not stoop to such meager attempts at subterfuge and instead use a more direct approach. I simply stand next to a favored knock-knack and convey the message that one of two things is about happen: I will be fed, or the knock-knack dies.

Two leggers usually get the point if you keep the choices simple.

8:00-10:00 PM is called  "family time". During "family time", the two leggers sit together on my couch and watch their favorite programs on the talking box thingy. I monitor their activity from my throne in front of the firebox thingy while Tiger Lily sits on the back of the couch and whines about the fact that there is nothing good on TV these days. Jaq takes this opportunity to pace back and forth from one lap to another, softly humming the themes from the various programs the two leggers are watching while accepting petting and adoration from each of them in turn.. At random times she will stop and appear to settle upon one of their laps. She will begin kneading the prospective landing spot with her amazingly sharp claws, causing the lucky two legger to wince in silent agony. Just as she is about to finally lay down, she will change her mind and return to her pacing. At exactly 9:58PM, she will curl up on the female's lap and fall into a deep sleep.

10:00 PM, the female announces that it is "bath time". She retires to the bathroom and soaks in water. The male follows her to the bathroom and participates in "tabby rubbin time". As he enters, Ivan and Tiger Lily are already waiting for him. He proceeds to rub Tiger Lily's ample belly and wrestle with Ivan who has suddenly transformed into Wampus Cat. Wampus Cat is Ivan's alter ego. He rolls onto his back and attempts to chomp any available part of two legger anatomy within reach. He wrestles with the two legger until either he draws blood or the female banishes them both from the bathroom. I, of course watch and supervise, but take no part in these undignified activities.

11:30 PM is "nigh-night time". The two leggers retire to their bedroom after banishing all four leggers from their sleeping quarters. Their day is officially over until they repeat the entire process on the the morrow.

 I have made mention of this nightly banishment before and many of you have expressed amazement that I allow it to happen, but I have my reasons. There is a madness to my method.  You see, I do not consider it an actual banishment.

No, they are actually conceding the rest of the house to us for the remainder of the night. Though their day is over, ours is just beginning.......

Side note: I have recently made three new friends who are well-practiced in the art of chaos. The Beans have a video that their two legged minion made about them. You will find a link to the video under "links and websites" on the right side of my blog thingy.


  1. Wow Cujo, you have mastered the art of clock-watching. I can 'see' the 2 leggers in their daily 'time' rituals. LOL! Thanks for turning me onto The Beans!

  2. LOL! Love it! I say I have no time quite often! I now have to rethink that.

  3. Sounds like you all have quite a set routine. But you kitties definitely need more attention. we like the idea of the house being your after bedtime. We all pile on top of the humans as they try to sleep. Purrs and hugs from the kitties at The Cat on My Head, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Josette