Saturday, April 27, 2013

Physically Fitting

Every day, I receive 20-30 email thingies from my minions.

I answer each and every one of them personally.

Most of the minion mail consists of praise and adoration with the occasional plea for Royal intervention included. These, I generally answer in private communications with the respective minions.

However, every once in a while, I am asked to lower the bucket into my bottomless well of intelligence and deliver a dipper full of wisdom to a parched minion. Sometimes, I even feel compelled to share this wisdom with the rest of my minions in order that all may drink.

This is one of those email thingies:

Dear Cujo Cat, Wise and Benevolent Dictator, Ruler and High Poobah of All Universes (both known and unknown) Potentate of Poofiness, Magistrate of Mayhem, Creator of Chaos, Chief Warden of Wackiness, Mastermind of Maniacal Miseries, Knower of All Thingies Knowable, and Annoyer of Squirrels,
     I beseech you to impart your sage wisdom upon me so that I may better understand that which I find un-understandable.  I am a young two legger who is soon to complete High School. But there is one obstacle standing between me and my diploma: Physics. My teachers have spent much time and effort attempting to teach me this subject, however they fail to use terms and examples that I can understand.
    Having been a longtime minion of yours (I never miss a post), I have often seen you explain things in ways that make sense to even one as challenged as Ivan. 
     I beg of you to please explain Physics to me so that I can graduate and go to college and someday finally realize my dream of becoming an Assistant Supervisor of Deep Fat Fryers at my local McDonalds.
     I await your awesomeness,
                            Penelope P. Stoppe

Dear Penelope,
    Felines in general, and myself in particular, are experts in the field of Physics.The Laws of Physics when broken down into their component parts are actually quite simple. I shall now attempt to explain all thingies physical:

The entire field of Physics can be summarized by Ivan scurrying down the hallway.

Inertia- A body in motion tends to stay in motion. This is best exemplified by Ivan running down the hallway. Once he gets up to speed, the Law of Inertia dictates that due to his momentum, he will be unable to negotiate the turn into the bedroom, and will instead be carried slipping and sliding past the bedroom door and continue until impacting with the closet door at the end of the hallway.

Friction- Ivan is propelled down the hallway because the claws at the ends of his stubby little legs grip the floor using friction which is instantly transformed into traction thereby launching him upon his headlong flight. When Ivan's claws fail to grip the floor, this is called "non-friction" and can be found in the boring part of your local library.

Viscosity- Viscosity is what causes something to be slippery. This is illustrated by the hairball I left earlier in front of the bedroom door that aids in The law of Inertia carrying Ivan past his intended turn and his subsequent interface with the closet door. The Hairball Theorem is involved in the production of the aforementioned hairball thingy and can be expressed by the simple phrase "What goes down, must come up".

Permeation- Permeation is the rate of penetration of one thing into another. Example: Ivan has attempted this scurry-turn maneuver at least twice daily for the last five years. Yet the concept that it may be impossible has failed to "permeate" the thickness of his skull thingy. Though his skull thingy may someday "permeate" the closet door.

And finally Mass. Okay, I'm not really sure what "Mass" is, but I think the two leggers laugh theirs off every time Ivan collides with the closet door.



  1. Okay, where were you Cujo when I was in high school? Never mind that was over 30 years ago, so I know the answer to that question.

    But, I must say had anyone explained physics to me in such easy to understand terms I might have even considered taking the class! Good work.

  2. Sure hope Penelope got that. We're pretty sure Ivan's brain bucket has been run into the door too many times for him to get it. and we'e lost. You are one brainy kitty. Purrs and hugs from the kitties at The Cat on My Head, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Josette

  3. How enlightening Cujo. Is the Mass = to the Big Bang created by Ivan's Velocity? :D

  4. Cujo! Me is impressed yous has a 2 legger that has my name - Penelope!

  5. Clearest splain of da pain till he do it again!