Monday, April 22, 2013

Pet Peeves

In many societies those who are eccentric or mentally ill are often considered "touched by the gods" or "blessed by the spirits". If this is indeed the case, Ivan will someday be canonized as "Saint Ivan, Keeper of The Kookiness, Master of The Maniacal, Patron Saint of Silliness and Reverend Father of Feeble Mindedness".

They will erect stubby little statues of him.

I bring this up because of his latest litany of lunacy.

Ivan has adopted a pet.

I know that adopting a pet is not conclusive proof of his insanity. There have been reports of perfectly sane individuals adopting pets. These reports are exceedingly rare and unsubstantiated, however, there are too many to be completely discounted.

No, the evidence lies in his choice of pets.

Ivan has adopted a Q-Tip.

Granted, it is a purebred Q-Tip. Not some generic WalMart type cheapo cotton swab that falls apart with the first twist. This is a true blue, Johnson&Johnson brand, double-headed, tightly-bound pure Egyptian cotton swab with 50% more padding on the tips. (Not for use in the ear canal although every two legger on Earth ignores this warning)

He has named his Q-Tip "Bill" (pronounced "Reynaldo"). For the last week, Ivan has nurtured Bill (Reynaldo). He grooms him, cleans him, takes him walkies, plays with him and generally does all the things that responsible pet owners are expected to do. At night he makes a little nest for Bill (Reynaldo) to sleep in. And like any good pet owner, he is fiercely protective of his new companion.

Therein lies the rub.

Every night, before he is removed from the heated floor thingy in the bathroom, Ivan carefully builds a cozy little nest of towels next to the tub for Bill (Reynaldo) to sleep in. Every night, when the male two legger takes his bath, he spots Bill (Reynaldo) lying next to the tub and promptly places Bill (Reynaldo) in the waste basket. Every morning, when Ivan is allowed back in the bathroom, he finds Bill (Reynaldo) lying the waste basket and in a fit of paternal rage, assaults the male's ankles mercilessly.

This morning mauling has caused much consternation among the two leggers. The male is concerned, confused and contused. He is concerned that Ivan has been even surlier than usual in the morning. He is confused by the appearance of Bill (Reynaldo) on the bathroom floor and he is contused by Ivan's teeth.

Meanwhile, Ivan continues to enjoy the companionship of his newest little buddy. They play together, nap together and engage in deep philosophical discussions. (yeah right)

However, I am becoming concerned. It has been my experience that when there is a large intellectual disparity between companions, the smarter partner will often grow bored and move on in search of a more stimulating relationship.

It is only a matter of time.

Ivan will be crushed.


  1. Cujo, you nailed it on the last line. LOL.

  2. I am sure you will be there for Ivan when the time comes Cujo! Maybe you can make another "upward" journey into the attic thingy together and Ivan will find a new friend!

  3. Cujo-You were especially witty, no I mean astute, in your observations this time!!! My husband and I were truly ROFL by your account. Thanks for the sharing with us, we anxiously await each new post.

  4. a Q-Tip! That would be the kind of pet that Kozmo would has!

    1. Kozmo and Ivan would probably get along well!

  5. Oh my, this was hilarious! Fascinating, too. :-D

    Nikita and Elvira

  6. We do have to say that Ivan's friend is a tad unusual. MacKenzie brought a live possum home once and asked if he could stay over, and we thought the was pretty strange. But a q-tip friend is whack-a-doodle. Got to be pretty lonely for that to happen. Maybe you should be a little nicer to him. Purrs and hugs from the kitties at The Cat on My Head, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Josette

  7. Ah yes the famous "Do not use in ear" item that has been in two legged homes for most of a century for use in the ear. It may be that Ivan was just looking too low when he could have raised his eyes for an equal.