Monday, April 15, 2013

Breaking News

Over the past few weeks, my two leggers have been attempting to catalog every expense that I have incurred upon their bank account over the last twelve months.

I was suspicious of their motives. Were they trying to justify my existence? Were they assessing their finances in the hopes of having me cloned? Perhaps they were considering taking an insurance policy out on me.

It took some pondering, but I believe I have solved the mystery.

For those of my minions in countries other than The United States (and Arkansas), I feel compelled to explain that April 15th here is also known as "Tax Day". It is the deadline for Federal Income Taxes. Every year, all adults living in America (and Arkansas) have to pay their taxes by midnight tonight.

Last night, I took a nap on a book that was written to help two leggers navigate the rocks and shoals of the American Tax System.

I am now a tax thingy expert.

They basically pay a percentage of their annual income for the honor of living here. Sometimes the amount they are required to pay can be reduced by the implementation of something called "exemptions". These "exemptions" include everything from offspring to work-related expenses. They can claim all kinds of stuff, medical costs, mortgage payments, college tuition........and apparently.....cats.

Not everyone can claim their cat's expenses, but given the fact that I am also a source of income for my two leggers, they have that option.

It seems that every lamp, vase or knock knack I break is tax deductible. It is considered a "business expense".

I took a peek at the tally for 2012:

34 knock knacks- $476.00
8 vases-$382.00
3 sets of drapes-$425.00
Various glasses and cookware-$216.00
1 laptop clogged with cat hair-$900.00
3 pairs of shoes, female type-$295.00
1 pair of boots, female type-$245.00
1 smartphone-$325.00
4 lamps-$200.00
Assorted picture frames-$75.00
Various articles of clothing-$567.00
Bed linen-$150.00
Carpeting -$1145.00
3 window screens-$35.00
1 closet door (Ivan gets claustrophobic)-$125.00

Additionally, they can also claim "medical expenses":
18 boxes of Band-Aids (industrial size)-$165.00
25 bottles of Tylenol- $215.00
Alcohol, antiseptic and antibiotics-$86.00
3 Emergency Room visits-$1845.00
Psychiatric counseling-$2100.00
Sleep aids-$65.00

For a Grand Total of $10,637.00

Now I face a dilemma.

It is my honest belief that with a little more effort, we could more than double that total in 2013.

However, the two leggers do not seem grateful.

I have yet to hear a single "Thank you" for all the taxes I saved them in 2012.


  1. You are such a benevolent source of income, ComMonster Cujo! As a Minion in your Kingdom, I Thank You on behalf of those wayward 2 Leggers!! :D

  2. hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Sorry your Royal Highness, I couldn't help myself :-)

  3. What a relief you didn't have to add veterinary expenses, such as we have in our household.
    2011 - Amber - Feline Ophthalmologist and eyeball surgery - $1500. Various office follow ups and perscriptions $500
    2013 (so far) Truffie - Vet visits, perscription, lab tests, x-rays and intravenious IV's -$600.
    Aren't the little darlings precious?

  4. Wow, I bet our mom and dad wish they could do that. With the eight of us, those deductions and exemptions could really add up. Glad your saving them some $$$. Purrs and hugs from the kitties at The Cat on My Head, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Josette