Thursday, May 2, 2013

War and Pieces

Spring has finally returned to the Pacific Northwest.

As many of my longtime minions know, Spring is the harbinger of many thingies.
Bob returns to my yard from wherever avian drag queens spend the Winter.
Squirrel thingies once again infest my yard and attempt to mock me.
Bird thingies are once again plentiful for my nourishment.
The two leggers begin their manic gardening activity.
Ivan awakes from hibernation (though no one can tell).
Flower thingies bloom.
The male two legger begins yelling at the talking box thingy because his baseball team is losing ( as opposed to Fall when he yells at the talking box thingy because his FOOTBALL team is losing).
The Sun shows itself for an hour each week.

And finally, total war is waged upon the eight leggers.

Every Spring, the population of eight leggers in the Pacific Northwest soars. They hatch their creepy little offspring and begin infesting every nook and cranny that they can possibly find. They sit in closets and snicker. They sit in corners and snicker. They sit in drawers and snicker. They sit in remote corners of rooms and snicker. They sit in corners of drawers located in remote corners of closets and snicker. The sound of snickering can be deafening.

I realize that the definition of "snickering" can be ambiguous, so just to be clear, I will define it for you now:

Snicker- Pronounced "snicker" verb: To laugh or giggle in a menacing or evil manner. Often implemented to imply evil, sneaky or underhanded intentions. Derived from the Olde English word "snicker" which was used to imply  "evil, sneaky or underhanded intent".

They snicker, snicker and occasionally..........snicker.

Snickering is a prime symptom of evil. Ergo- anything that snickers is by definition evil.  

While I do not mind the eight leggers "creeping out" my two leggers, it offends me that they may attempt to usurp my position as Chief Creeper Outer of All Things Two Legged. Therefore, as Benevolent, Kind-Hearted, Gentle-Natured and All Loving Dictator, I have decided that all eight leggers must be summarily executed with extreme prejudice and amusement.

I ordered Ivan to seek out all eight leggers and bring them unto my presence. The were to be given a a fair trial after which they would be executed in a most merciful and delicious method.

However, the Bathroom spider heard of my edict and attempted to supplicate me by offering a sacrifice. As I entered my bathroom last night, the Bathroom Spider greeted me at the door with a supercilious smile upon his nasty little face. He waved four of his eight nasty little arms in the direction of the tub thingy. Upon examining the tub, I beheld an arachnid abattoir. This was obviously an attempt at appeasing a blood thirsty deity that was intent upon visiting an unholy vengeance upon all snickering supplicants.

There were tiny legs scattered everywhere upon the porcelain of the tub. Here and there a thorax or a tiny eye staring blankly into space.

The carnage was exquisite.

I accepted the sacrifice and informed the Bathroom Spider that he would be allowed to remain among the living on the condition that he remain in the bathroom and never venture outside lest he be smacked by the Royal smacking paw.

He offered to walk me back to the living room.........  

Can't say I didn't warn him.


  1. LOL! I will have you know CoMmonster Cujo that I politely escort them out the door. Albeit they ride on my broom thingy as they exit, they must leave my humble abode. I view them in the category of 'Good for the Earth" creatures. :)

  2. When they enter my domain, I'm with you, Cujo... I smack 'em!

  3. This is the cat blog that everybody should be reading. You are so creative, imaginative and amusing. We are going to try to get the word out there. Purrs and hugs from the kitties at The Cat on My Head, Lily Olivia, Mauricio, Misty May, Giulietta, Fiona, Astrid, Lisbeth and Calista Josette

  4. Multi-leg thingie shoulda heard da word

    1. Eight leggers can be so dense. (And delicious!)

  5. whoaaa,cujo... you are truly the mighty spider trickster