Monday, December 3, 2012

O' Tannenbomb

My apologies for not posting lately, but it is not my fault.

Blame the two leggers.

Though I am The Ruler of All Universes (both known and unknown) Grand Poobah of All Thingies, Benevolent Dictator of The World Thingy and Menacer of Squirrels, I must still rely on my minions for certain services.

One of these services is turning on the computer typey thingy.

Unfortunately, the Thumbed Ones work very long hours during the Christmas season and have been neglecting their duties in regards to keeping me electronically connected to those who thirst for the sweet water of wisdom that fills the oasis of my mind.

I have now smacked, bitten, scratched and generally annoyed them back their duty. I assure you that they will be more mindful of their responsibilities in the future.

Now for news from my kingdom:

This weekend marked the beginning of my favorite time of year.

The time of year that the two leggers erect the best cat toy on Earth. On a chosen day in early December, the two leggers begin rearranging my furniture. This in itself is a good thing because it reunites me with the 483 catnip mousie thingies that escaped under the couch during the rest of the year. Then the male goes to the storage shed and laboriously carries in 36 large boxes while Jaq sings "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot".

Working as a team, the two leggers then construct a seven-foot tree thingy that was harvested from the legendary Forest of WalMartia. The WalMartian Forest is famous for its trees that consist of tubular steel trunks, twisted branches made of wire and green plastic needles. These genetic anomalies obviously evolved as a defensive mechanism against termites, woodpeckers, squirrels and lumberjacks. They are also segmented for easy storage and portability.

Some may say that they are "artificial" or "non-living". However I know that this is simply not true. An artificial tree is incapable of reproducing or new growth. But every year, after being stored in darkness for eleven months, it returns to my house sporting a full set of needles even though Ivan, Tiger Lily and I  had completely destroyed it the previous year. Once again, there will be fresh, green plastic pine needles garnishing our hairballs and litter.

Once the tree thingy, Arborius Polyvinyl WalMarticus is erected, the male two legger is banished to the talking box thingy to yell at the football game and the female proceeds to hang all sorts of cat toys from the boughs of the tree thingy. She has a particular way of hanging them that is apparently pleasing to her eye. Every ornament must be placed in just the right  place. It must hang just so. It must catch the light in just such a manner.

She starts with the lights. Some sparkle, some twinkle, some flash while others just glow. The strands of beads are draped in subtle arcs in a totally random but strategically placed manner planned out years in advance.  Finally, she hangs the ornament thingies. She hangs these according to their value (both monetary and sentimental) with the most precious near the top and descending to the cheap ones at the bottom. She never uses tinsel. The two leggers have boycotted tinsel ever since Ivan's techniclolr hairball of 2008. She places the plastic (presumably "unbreakable") ornaments at the bottom. As she places the lower decorations, she looks directly at me and says "Let's see you break these, you little monster".

Challenge accepted.

I understand her commitment to perfection. I am not immune to the allure of art. I enjoy aesthetically pleasing stuff. Truth be told, I can appreciate the time, thought and effort she expends in making my tree beautiful.

 I just hope she appreciates the time, thought and effort I'll expend destroying it.


  1. LOL " the tree thingy, Arborius Polyvinyl WalMarticus " LOL :D

  2. Would simply tipping the tree over be considered gauche?

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