Monday, November 19, 2012

Operation: Cuddly Kitty

I am greatly annoyed.

I will translate for my minions in other countries:
Mexico: "Mi es muchas annoyedo."
Italy: "Mea biggo maddo."
Great Britain:"I say there, I'm a tad miffed."
Arkansas: "Ah'm more ticked than a coon dog avisitin' a parasite farm."
Canada: "Hockey, eh?"

The other night, the two leggers announced that they were invited to their friends house for dinner. I authorized this because they had already fed me and therefore were no longer needed. They were gone for about four hours.

This is not the reason that I am annoyed. In fact, I was rather pleased that they were finally beginning to develop relationships with other two leggers. Constantly keeping them entertained was starting to become monotonous. It's about time that they begin hanging out with other lower lifeforms.

However, they would be well-advised to exercise a degree of caution.

I am annoyed because when they returned, I immediately knew something was amiss.

Upon their entry, I began my inspection. My post-visit inspection was, as usual, misinterpreted as being a "welcome home" sniff. I always begin at the shoes and work my way up. It was obvious from the start that my two leggers had been visiting other cats. This was not mentioned when they begged permission to leave. In retrospect, I suspect that they deliberately concealed the fact that they were planning to have an evening with other felines.

 From the first sniff, I detected the scent of a least two ragdolls, (one male, one female) and another as yet unidentified male shorthair. Upon further inspection I was able to determine that the ragdolls had long silky hair. Given the amount of hair they deposited on my two leggers, I concluded that they were very large. Possibly 20 pounders. They smelled young. The unidentified male shorthair had a kind of geriatric smell and therefore posed no threat.

The ragdolls on the other paw, irritated me.

The two leggers spent the rest of the evening talking about how "sweet" and "cute" and "cuddly" and "well-behaved" the ragdolls were. They spoke of how their house was undamaged, their drapes were unshredded, their upholstery unmarred. They talked in quiet whispers of the house that was free of chaos and filled with peace and tranquility.

I suspect they may even secretly covet such a life.

I held a conference with the other felines in my domain. I explained my dilemma. I told them that we must behave ourselves. We must refrain from destroying all that we deem destroyable. We must act in a cute and cuddly manner. We must not chase, slap, bite or generally abuse one another. We must purr quietly when they pet us and resist the urge to draw blood in the face of an exposed ankle.

We are now 48 hours into Operation Cuddly Kitty.

The two leggers think we are up to something. I know this because the male keeps saying "I think they're up to something". They take turns sleeping while the other stands guard with the water squirty thingy. They sneak down the hallway expecting an ambush at every corner. The female has locked all of her shoes in boxes buried deep in the closet. The male's nervous tic has returned.

They cannot last much longer. I give them another 24 hours before they break.

Has it been difficult? Yes.

Will it be worth it?



  1. Hmmmm! I am a tad miffed quite regularly at the liberties taken by my furless biped! She even has the temerity to stop me napping on her face! You guys obviously have your work cut out!!

  2. We predict blubbering idiots (them, not you) by day's end!
    Cod willing.

  3. LOL!! Have you broken them yet, Commonster Cujo? :D

  4. Me does not know what is worse..that they visited other cats or that they compared yous to them!
    Me would have deliberately missed the litter box.

  5. We used to try that - operation Cuddly Kitty - after we sniffed out that our Humans would cheat on us. Regularly. So, what they thought we were doing, was being super cute in order to get their cheating affection back. What they did not know, was that while they were out, we would little by little destroy their house. We would cover well, too, so they only are starting to find the damage now, months on since we started the scheme! :)