Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The Stench That Stole Christmas

Up in the vast rainy region
Of the Pacific Northwest,
There lived Ivan The Tolerable,
An orange, stinky pest.

He was constantly grumpy.
Always wearing a scowl.
If anyone dared pet him,
He'd give them a growl.

Ivan hated everything
For no apparent reason.
But the thing he hated most
Was the Christmas Season.

He hated the decorations.
He hated the lights.
The fat guy in red,
His elves wearing tights.

The sounds of two leggers
Enjoying their party,
Would turn Ivan's stomach
And make him all farty.

What made Ivan so surly?
I'd often stop and wonder.
What had taken Ivan's spirit?
And torn it asunder?

Was it a lack of heart?
That gave him such disdain?
No, I felt it went much deeper.
Perhaps his lack of brain.

Change confuses Ivan,
Confusion makes him mean.
And during this time of year,
 Many changes can be seen.

Two leggers treat each other nicer.
A smile on every face.
They greet each other with handshakes
Or a warm, heartfelt embrace.

They decorate their houses,
They fill the rooms with glee.
All of this goodwill
Makes Ivan want to flee.

Since I am Ivan's boss,
I knew what must be done,
We'll have an intervention,
And restore his sense of fun.

I said "Hey Ivan, lookit me"
As I tore a Christmas stocking.
"Christmas can be so much fun!"
As I set the tree to rocking.

"Try smacking a shepherd!,
 Let's eat an elf!
We'll knock all those fairies
 Right off of that shelf!"

I knew I was making progress
When Ivan started to grin.
He poofed his tail, began to trill,
And then he jumped in.

He bit, he chomped,
He kicked and he slashed.
And when he was finished,
My whole house was trashed.

Finally exhausted,
He lay gently and napped.
Laying upon a tree branch
He'd recently snapped.

As I sat watching him,
I knew I'd done well.
As I looked at the carnage,
I felt my heart swell.

My eyes have been opened.
At last I can see.
The true meaning behind
Those lights and that tree.

It is not about stuff,
Not about a game or a toy
It is about doing all those things
That give your heart joy.

To all my minions: Have a very merry and safe Christmas. I hope all your Christmas wishes come true. (Especially if your Christmas wish is for me to finally attain my goal of Universal Domination)


  1. I LOVED your poem - I think it captures the true spirit of Christmas! Have a great one!

  2. Me has asked Sandy Paws for a promotion from Queen Penelope to Empress Penelope!
    Me hopes yous gets Universal Domination of your World!

  3. Oh, Cujo you missed your calling!
    A grand poet you are,
    and will be to me, forever,
    a fine writer of feline frivolity!!!

  4. Merry Catmas, Cujo et al!!!

    We gave Mommy your book as a gift and she is LOVING it!

  5. I loved your poem and the photo of grumpy Ivan. We have a ginger cat, Surfeit, that always looks grumpy but is a sweetheart. Merry Christmas! Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrs.