Sunday, December 16, 2012

The Sum of All Fears

Once again, it is time for me to dig deep into the mineshaft of my wisdom and present to you yet another shiny nugget of knowledge.

Tonight, after many requests, I shall share with you the secret of one of the many mysteries that continue to confound two leggers and amuse their feline superiors.

Scientist thingies over the years have reached the conclusion that the average house cat weighs between 12 and 15 pounds, stands approximately .85 tailspans in height and is around 1.68 tailspans in length. Given these measurements, a cat that is fully sprawled, completely relaxed and totally spread out, should cover no more than 2.4 square feet of real estate on any given surface.

Any two legger that has ever been enslaved by cats knows that though the math may be correct, the result is erroneous. In reality, a cat of the above mentioned size and weight is actually capable of covering 80-90% of any bed, chair, couch or kitchen counter.  The area of the surface does not matter. If a two legger has need of the surface, whether it be for sleeping, sitting, lounging or cooking, the resident cat is occupy as much of the surface as is suitable in order to disrupt the activity that the two legger wishes to accomplish.

We do this through the simple application of Cathmatics. Cathmatics is the feline ability to flatten and spread oneself out in order to maximize coverage. We implement a series of very scientific formulas to figure out optimum sprawlage. I could tell you the exact cathmatic calculations we use, but I choose not to. Suffice it to say that it has a lot of numbers, letters and little squiggly signs that professors put on chalk boards at major universities because they look cool and confuse the janitors.

I will however, let you in on one of the secrets of maximum sprawlage.

We do not actually cover as much area as we appear to. We also take advantage of The Corona of Claws and Effect. The CCE is an region of space extending approximately six inches beyond the tip of an outstretched paw. Anything entering the CCE is capable of being slain, mutilated or smacked without warning. The two legger brain thingy subconsciously perceives this region and causes the two legger to see us as being larger than we actually are. This is a self preservation trait that has evolved in the two legger brain thingy over eons of living with cats.

I sincerely hope that this answers some of your questions.

If you find it confusing, well, that's just a bonus.


  1. LOL! The Pièce de résistance: " If you find it confusing, well, that's just a bonus." Cudos, Commonster on a very finely written blog!! You continue to AMUSE :D

  2. Laurie and the 'Girls"December 17, 2012 at 6:27 AM

    My cat "Cheesecake" is a perfect example! I would sware that after everyone is asleep and she is cuddled and snuggled in for the night that she turns into a two ton cat! Cheesecake pins me the two legger in bed until she is ready to move!

  3. We suspect Quantum MeCATics are involved to warp space-time as well.

  4. Wow! Cujo, yous explained it so well! Purrhaps my humans can understand this now since yous puts it so clearly.

    1. Nellie, I hope your two leggers have been enlightened, however if they are anything like my two leggers, I shoulda used smaller words ;)

  5. Great explanation of Cathmatics, Cujo. Mommy used to have a kitty that just kept spreading thinner and wider as he lay on any surface. She was waiting for the time when he became just one cell layer thick and covering the whole house. FIP took him before he managed it, unfortunately, but he made a good show! Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrs.